Light and Haze, 3: Reset Switch
16 Sep 2021Meowers
"What the?!.. Ahhh... What?!?... Damn hell!..", sudden Jacqueline's shout dragged me back to the reality again. She got up from the bench and now was standing in front of me, frantically looking left and right, and even shaking a bit. Damn! How long I've been out? Ah, it doesn't matter anyway...
"What happened? Why are you so worried?"
"What... How did we?.. Ah, this place... So, we left that ship, walked here... And you... I remember, you. Found me there... You, that other guy... And then...", she sounded worried and quite uncertain, erratically moving her hands like she tried to show something to me, but forgot how it looks, "Yeah, we were in that... Tower. You was shooting... That... Yeah, that your rifle... And then... So... God... So blurred... Vague..."
Damn! I was expecting that, but hoping it won't happen. Looks like she's having problems with remembering these recent events... No surprise, though. It was definitely not a pleasant place, and then that mess, it was intense, violent, unexpected, anything but planned. So she was mobilised to get through everything and survive, 'detached' from fully perceiving what was happening. It's like an emergency procedure. Almost primal. And I know this state may lead to memory issues when you're not prepared, unexperienced. Much like her. And then she went asleep and slowly returned to normal perception. So... Now I know what that her 'it's strange, but I'm okay' phrase meant when we were sitting in a control tower, that also was my firing position...
I had to calm her down somehow... She wasn't seeing an enemy in me, at least, and this was good. Actually, it was the best possible option, if such a reaction happened. I was able to start talking to her without excessive explaining what I do need from her. And the fact that I need nothing, I'm willing to help, can be the most confusing part. She had too much... Of completely opposite experience. So, then... Had to tell her about escape, but... With, uh, serious caution. That's... Kind of tricky. Damn tricky. There's no way to know at the moment... If she can talk about what's happened with her or not without any more stress. And, yeah, more likely the answer is 'no'. So... Uh... Let's just say 'we won, we escaped', without any detail about the shootout and getting the flight suit from two dead gangsters. Yeah, that my "now I have an experience of undressing a man" line was funny, but... Yeah, later. Not now. No shooting and explosions and dismembered thugs now. I told about escaping and getting here, on that station, Citi Gateway, Inara system, independent space. Stressed that out. Knowing where she is may be much important for her now. Listening to me repeating those lines for a few times, she just sat down right on the ground, looking at me as I spoke. And I, uh, did the same.
And I had to repeat that options part as well. She was nodding after each one, and when I was about to tell that we're not in a haste... She quickly got up from the ground and blurted out about escorting her to SAR and leaving her there. That first option. So... I was trying to ask her again, about if she was sure or not... Yup... She even didn't let me finish. Almost yelling at me, waving her hands. Damn. Yeah, that affected stuff... Somewhere between panic and willing to run away... Maybe she wants to get rid of everything tied to the situation, me included. And I'm nowhere near the possibility to do something with it now, she just won't listen. It may take hours to wear off... So... Umm, I promised to help with any choice that she's going to make and, well..I'm going to keep my word...
Then we reached the SAR office after several minutes of walking... And, yeah. Here we go. The bureaucracy in its finest. Sit down, calm down, fill the forms. Ugh. They gave us two datapads with empty text fields and boxes shown on screens, one for me, one for Jacqueline. Ah, goddammit, how do I hate it... I may be a good pilot, good tech, even good with personal weapons, but those formalities, those forms, ID number here, personal account data there, details, agreements... They just hell irritate me. Crap! I brought you a person, rescued from the slave pen, not came here to ask for a bank loan! And yeah, the first thing those folks told me was 'hand in your weapons'. Dammit, idiots. I've rescued her using them! Aaargh... I just gave them the mags both from the rifle and the pistol and ensured that I won't be using my guns as beating sticks.
Ah, at least they had some good old-school paper-and-pencil system in their place, so I was able to write down the address of my rented cabin, intercom number and the number of hangar where Marshmallow has been stationed. Judging by the dates, I have only few days left on that station, before they finish everything and the ship will be ready for a takeoff. Felt myself like a cheating student, passing that piece of paper to Jacqueline... When we weren't watched, hah. They were against any contacts for some reason, if I wasn't her relative or family member. Why? I don't know. This system is so much dumb sometimes. I don't even want to know what questions were in Jacqueline's form. Goddammit. She needs a doctor, not a goddamn paper jockey! Ah, shit... Yeah, they told me to leave the place at once and 'stop interfering'. Arseholes... Praise the people who actually do rescue, and shelter staff too, but those clerks... Ugh. I hope they never need their own services. But... Yeah. To be honest. A weird, wicked and sarcastic part of me do hope.
Being an 'upstanding citizen' never left me with so much contradictory thoughts. Maybe it's the reason for sticking to my own line. At the very least I'm in peace with my own decisions when I'm doing what I want, following my own version of morality. And I'm responsible for it. If something happens, I'll be the one to blame. And that's kind of 'okay' for me too. And I know the logic of that 'something happens' accidents, at least the major part of it. And I'm trying to make plans, control and prevent. And... Ugh... Ah, I'll just head to my place then, telling myself that I kept my word with helping her with any decision. Crap... If only I had a chance to calm her down again...
Yeah, talking about that memory losses, mobilisation, feeling yourself 'detached' from what's happening around and all the things... It's a mechanism that's trying to keep us alive and sane when we're getting through something hazardous, violent, possibly traumatic. See, you can't blame your own brain for blocking out things that you may not want to recollect anymore... So, it may happen to unprepared people. However, if your stresses are more persistent, constant, you may adapt over time. It will take its heavy toll afterwards, but, again, your mind is trying to keep you alive here and now. So... I was kind of mobilised there as well, and I know in detail how it works with me... Yeah, I can go through some serious crap, unexpected serious crap, long and unexpected, vicious, any kinds of it... And I will look super calm and professional and knowing what to do, but then... Errrm... Still have to do something with the goddamn aftermath.
It's like... Batteries are getting completely drained. Yeah, I do experience some ups and downs during my daily life, but this... Just below the damn zero. Usually, I have to defend from various, ummm, unpleasant thoughts crawling in my mind... But after going through something intense, and then reaching the safe place, those defences... Seems to be weakening. Getting tired. Recovering from an emergency. Ah, dammit... I definitely need to get back to that cabin and drop on the bed...
I'll sit there and let nobody see me...