Light and Haze, 8: Intermission
26 Sep 2021Meowers
Ah, I guess we just had to stop for a while and call it a day. Or a night. Or whatever. That's a bit too much.
See, the concepts of 'day' and 'night' were essential for humankind in earlier, pre-space times, when people lived on Earth, but now the initial significance is long lost for, well, obvious reasons. Back then in those early years, falling off that cycle caused difficulties with daily activities and was quite detrimental. The reasons were familiar: overtime work, stresses, anxiety and other mental issues, fatigue and following oversleeping, etc. Much as today. But the 'average' everyday life was arranged to make you spend your energy during daytime, it was easier to control yourself and correct if needed. Yet now, especially if you do piloting much, you may turn your sleep pattern into a complete mess in no time. You don't have any 'days' and 'nights' anymore, you have to listen to your own senses and watch the clock. Slowly you gain your own versions of 'today' and 'tomorrow'. At first it confuses you, then you start to like it, then it may begin to harm you. Unnoticeably. It's... destabilising.
Perhaps I wasn't just thinking, like, "shit, it's too much for today". Seems that I'd said it out loud, after some time of flying towards Komotae in a complete silence. That quiet, but easily understandable 'mmhmm' from Jacqueline made me sure that we had to drop somewhere and rest, at last. She was just, uh, staring forward at the stars and hyperjump tunnels without any expression, without even... Noticing that I turned to look at her. To be honest, we haven't moved very far, like, less than a halfway, but it felt like damn ages. So I ran the route plotter again and set our destination to the Gato system, just two jumps away. Never been there before, but... According to the map, it was populated enough to contain a major starport. Yeah, you always can stop anywhere in the space and just eat and sleep without leaving the ship, but..you know. That 'take the pause, get the bearings' moment.
So, there actually was a large starport in this place, the Brongniart Ring. We landed there, and after a few minutes of walking, eventually found that open cafe. It was far enough from the docks to stay away from the crowds, but not completely deserted. And quite basic. Unremarkable place, you can find something like that on every station. Ah, they don't have 'Some Food' and 'I Don't Care' positions in their menu, so... yeah, let it be chicken. And a tea. Beats the synth chow anyway.
We spent some time on completely impassive chewing and staring at... nowhere exactly, and then finally all that chaos of sounds and shapes around started to become more... arranged. Recognisable. More... Live and real. People, for example... They were a part of that noisy messy background at first, that flat fuzzy movie picture that was just like being rolled in front of my tired eyes... But now I saw the details. Was able to focus on them... Clerks and workers enjoying their lunch break... Some people were just sitting alone and eating... A company of spacers, much like me, with flight suits under their casual-looking, but thermal resistant outfits... They put two tables together, maybe a ship crew or a squadron. Ah, and this pair looks like they're on a date... And a loud bunch there, three young men with plenty of booze on their table, celebrating something perhaps...
Yup, they are. They made a toast for the possible future of a new Corvette, apparently purchased by one of them, emptied their glasses, and then, well, noticed me, as I finished another slice of chicken and raised my eyes. So, what tipsy and narrow-minded guys do in that case? Yup. Predictable. Of course they started to wink awkwardly, to call me and Jacqueline to join them, and all that stuff... Realising that it had no effect, one of them, must be the proud owner of a new ship, pulled a keycard out of his pocket and, errrm, 'unintentionally' put it on the table in front of him. Hah, seeing Jacqueline rolling her eyes was totally worth it. And then, well... I was quite busy eating, and, uh, missed the first part of the phrase that guy said to me, when he approached us. But second was about something like a 'long great ride on a big ship'. Ugh. Yuck. So I gave him a completely indifferent look and said, "what are you trying to compensate? a tiny... hardpoint?". Aw... I love to see their faces in that moments.
So, then I used a terminal in that cafe to arrange a place to stay for a night. Or a day. Whatever. Let it be just '24 hours'. A living compartment for one, actually, but with a large bed in it, as, you know, we had only one ID. And zero capability to answer the, uh, unwanted questions. Also we had to do a bit of that... Light-hearted shopping. Jacqueline needed a proper flight suit instead of... this. Thankfully they're ubiquitous and you don't have to search for long, if you're looking for a basic model. And also something to wear over it, so she won't feel herself like naked. Communicator and a datapad too. Thought about some sidearm as well, but, uh, no ID equals many questions, so let it be one of those standard-issue civilian electro-shock things. And, hey... Hah. Looking at her, in that synth-leather jacket and baggy pants, over the tight protective suit, I couldn't resist from commenting that she looks like a seasoned pilot now. Hah, maybe not the most glamorous look, but okay for a start. And... You know, that her little laugh... Made me think that I'm really doing..something good. Never heard it until this moment. And was it an expression of relief on her face when she put that old suit into the recycler?
Ah, the difficult part now... On our way to the living cabin she asked me how she can repay for all that things I do for her. And I couldn't just say 'forget about it', 'don't worry' or something like that, even when the expenses weren't so significant. Because, uh, well... She still may think that I..have some wicked plans about her. Or I'm going to force her to do... Something that she definitely don't want, or I'm... Ugh. I completely, goddamn, understand that. I may be totally wrong with my guess, but... At some point you just lose any trust. To anyone. Every person in your life wants something from you. There's nothing for free, and if someone..gives you something, does something for you...they're asking or they will ask you to do them a favour in return. Maybe something that you really don't want to do... And they may know your weak spots... Ugh... And you don't want it to happen, but you..subconsciously know it's going to happen, you had seen it countless times, and you're just... Constantly preparing yourself for this moment. And being dependant on that person makes things even worse... And hearing crap like 'don't worry' actually fuels that anxiety, as it sounds like it's... Aimed to make you careless, to make you drop your guard, turning you into an easy target.
Well, I had to improvise. While remaining honest and open and ready to explain everything in detail. Quite a challenge, huh? Said her that expenses weren't heavy for me, and even while I was right, stressed out that I understand that it might be important for her to not have any debts. The next part was a bit vague, as I don't have any exact plans and certain... Questions resolved. But I said that I'll help her with finding a job that she may like, and then 'we'll settle this in the respectable way'. And also she may leave whenever she wants. In fact, I had only one option and I wasn't so sure about it...
Then we reached that cabin, and, yeah, finally... Bed, shower, stable gravity, comfortable silence. You know, the last, the very last thing you want to hear on the spaceship is silence. Every part emits a sound, and while they're separated by the bulkheads, you still hear that quiet low humming. It's even melodic sometimes. Relaxing. Almost a music. But if you hear nothing, it means something has gone terribly wrong. Here? Here I could relax and forget about this. Leaving everything behind that metal door for a few hours. And also use that shower, pouring as much water as I want.
I went to the shower after Jacqueline, and, well... When I returned to the room, being wrapped in a towel, saw her sitting on the edge of the bed in her underwear and somewhat... confused? Ah. I know. Should have said this earlier, though...
"Booked that 'for one' place to lower our chances for 'second ID' questions. Had to search a bit for a bed large enough", I explained, "Don't think that I'm going to... Yeah, you know."
"Ah, yup", she nodded, "That would be kinda... awkward. Even if you don't look like someone who may want to arrange things to end up in one bed with me. And, well, I'm a woman anyway."
"Aaaaand, you know, quite an attractive one", I said, getting to my side of the bed and turning the lights out. Thought that, yeah, she's attractive, and will be even more when, well... we fix her life. "And you're right. That would be awkward now... Even for me."
"'Even for you'?" she asked with a note of surprise in her voice, but I gladly noticed that she got in a bed as well. "What does it mean?.. So, you, hmmmm..."
"Ah, khm, nevermind... Have a good sleep. As long as you want...", I replied slowly, completely drifting off, so I didn't hear what she told next... Something about 'expecting that' or whatever... Goddamn, I was super tired...
* * *
Anyway, she got up earlier than me, so when I finally opened my eyes, she was already dressed and busy with making coffee. For two. Aw... That was... Certainly cute. So I put my suit on and joined her at the table.
"You know, compliments aren't your strong point", she smiled, placing the second cup next to me, "They're best made with that... 'spark' in the voice. Yours is too... flat. But, yeah. Thank you."
I smiled in return and said my thanks for the coffee. It was right what I needed to wake up completely, so, after a few minutes we were ready to move on.
So... These last moments, spent in some random place... Always so... Uncertain. A part of me wants to stay a bit longer, even if it's nothing more to do here, and another part can't wait to make the next move. And it's not about what may be attaching me to that place, or what I had seen here... In fact, there's nothing. This place isn't 'mine', isn't familiar to me, I'm going to leave it once and probably will never return. So it will fade away in the memory like dozens of similar random points before. Another completely standard place that suddenly was associated with these relaxing moments. Another point on the map of life. But it was a solid point, a place where I was able to slow down and have some time for myself. To think about what's next. To plan my steps without a rush. To get my bearings. To drop the guard. To relax in this little intermission.
And then that thought, that was on my mind all the last days... Had formed, finally. Obtained its shape. I realised why I had that..instant reaction back there, in Lozin, seeing Jacqueline first time. 'Pull her out of here, at all costs'. I realised what she's coming through. I'd seen a face like that before. Years ago.
...In the mirror.