Light and Haze, 9: Places We've Been
28 Sep 2021Meowers
We were on our way to Komotae, making one jump after another in a kaleidoscope of stars and hyperspace tunnels, like Marshmallow herself was happy to draw this invisible line, connecting the shiny dots of our Galaxy. Little cosy stop at Gato was... Revitalising. We were feeling fresh and well rested now, had the plan to follow and, well... Seems that we're getting along not that bad after all. Spent some time on cleaning up the mess left after that Delaine's crew situation, sold their guns and other stuff, replenished the first aid kit and left the Brongniart Ring with our minds clear and path set.
"Hey, may I ask you one thing?", Jacqueline started talking... Pulling me out of that, uh, half-hypnotised state of watching the swirling hyperspace tunnel, "What is it like, to be a pilot? Own a ship?.. You know, not just to fly it, but to, khm.. Live like this?"
"Ummm... Apart from piloting as a process... It's... How do I put it... Chaotic. Yeah. It's chaotic. Different places, different situations, you may want to be ready for everything, but you, uh... physically can't. So, it's you and your ship only... And you have to think much. And sometimes fast. You may have a place to return to, or even several places. Or you may not. You may have a family, or not... It's all up to you", I replied, and then added a bit more, to make my answer more correct, "But it's my personal experience and thoughts 'as they are'. It's possible to join a squadron, or work for a commercial company. Or even to start yours. To hire assistants... To plan your long journeys... Or you may, hah, leave the station just once in a month... It's all up to you, again. It's a sort of freedom. You still have to shape your own life, but having a ship, you're less restricted. Less tied to places."
"Oh, hmmm... You don't sound excited, but I haven't heard any regrets as well. And that... Unplannedness. Even loneliness, maybe... It's a completely different life for me. Can't say it's scary or unpleasant, just..unknown. Completely. What to do if you don't have a certain plan to follow. You know, I'm more used to schedules, planning, stability for today and tomorrow... All that things. Even my parents were trying to make me a kind of genius or whatever... So, I was living planetside, and learning, learning, learning, then that internship at the local medical..."
Khm. Looks like she really wanted to talk... Ow. Apparently... She wasn't able to talk like that for... Months? Years? Who knows. I didn't mind it, actually, so I lowered the music system volume a bit and started listening to her, while we were flying... There was nothing of situational importance, actually, just a story of her growing up on a mid-level Imperial world... Going to the school, living with that type of, uh, 'strict but caring' parents... But I thought, like, I should be even proud that she talks to me like that now. She trusts me. To some extent, of course, trust is a slow thing to build up, but nevertheless it's really a good sign. So, I listened to her, nodding and asking simple questions, so she could feel herself listened to, at last. Yeah... Don't want to say that I wasn't interested... I was, in fact, and knowing her story could be helpful in terms of understanding her, but... It was so different from my experience. I didn't know what to say exactly. Told her about it, hah. She said it's okay.
And then, what happens when you start to recall the past, gradually moving through the timeline? Yeah, you'll become closer and closer to the present time. Or recent past... Shit!
Had to stop her. Really had to stop her right at that moment, goddammit, was... Too distracted by the controls and listening to her at the same time. Ah, crap. So, uh... She finally reached her capture moment, happened, like, half a year ago or about. And she tried to... Keep talking, like it was okay, it was a part of the story, but..I certainly heard that... Struggle. She was stuttering, pausing, her voice became... trembling, quiet, unstable. Damn... Yeah, this is it. We were hanging on an orbit over a star, scooping hydrogen. So I made sure that the temperatures are acceptable, dropped the controls and left the pilot seat quickly. Ah, crap... She was just..staring empty with her hands shaking and tears and... Goddammit... Should have stopped her earlier, it was too obvious, why the fff... Okay, okay... So then I reached the co-pilot seat and embraced her, telling her that..she's here, with me, aboard the Marshmallow, she's safer than ever and she won't return back anymore... Argh... There's so little chance it will work... Damn, I had no specific meds in the first-aid kit. And even if I had them, using them without proper prescription is quite risky... Also told her to concentrate on her breathing, try to make it slow and even... And to pay attention to what's around, that ship interior, the... Safe place. It helps..sometimes. So, I was telling her these words... For, like... Few minutes, until her breathing began to normalise. Then I got a self-heating can of tea from the locker and gave it to her. Warm tea is a good thing too, definitely better than nothing...
And, well, still no idea about why she didn't asked me to bring her to her parents... Judging by the story, they're most likely alive and living somewhere in the same place. But I won't be asking it now, obviously... That's odd, however. Anyway, looks like she's, relatively of course, okay with talking about them. And it's an important thing to know. It's like... Listening to a person, you may find out which topics are okay, and which are not, and to be avoided in the future... Or they may be waiting a proper time, a proper trust. And, um, it's all without asking direct questions. As, you know... Mentioning and talking about certain things may cause unpleasant effects...
"Ah... Damn... Terribly sorry, it's just... So..overwhelming... Unexpected...", said Jacqueline finally, after some minutes of silence.
"Don't be sorry, please. I know how... those..memories work. And what they may cause", I replied, returning to my seat, "Just have a rest and feel free to ask if you want more of that tea. I have a lot of it. We'll arrive soon."
Yeah, also had to explain her how triggers work. Will be helpful. Those pests can be pretty treacherous if you let them grow... Yup. This one was plain, direct and obvious. Talking about that part and remembering it deliberately are a no-go, well, except... Talking to a professional. Who knows what to say and what to do. So, grab that red sign and put it here, to avoid it in the future. But the associative stuff can be a hazard too. See, associative memory and thoughts are our blessing, as they make human brain processes more flexible... And our curse. Because something random may resemble you something... That you don't want to recall. It may be a song, a certain place, a picture, someone's face, even the taste of a random meal or something like that. Literally damn anything that you can imagine, see, hear, anything. They may even evolve, if not controlled. And often just one slight spark of a thought, unconscious reaction, uh, it's all it takes. And stopping that..flow is damn difficult. Ugh. So... Completely random and hard to predict, if you don't know them well. And you have to place another red sign here... And here, and there... And then you realise that you're living on a goddamn minefield.
So, we arrived. Komotae. Bluford Station. Home sweet... Place, where I keep my stuff. Still can't say this is my home, well... That's strange. Maybe I'll think about it one day. Have to define what that word 'home' even means to me... So... Yeah. Really glad that Jacqueline decided to stay with me as I can help her, point her to some kind of direction, talk to her. While keeping the situation relatively calm and safe. Khm, trying to. And, yup, an interesting thing... I came to that place when I had nowhere to go. Now I'm kind of... Living here. At least I return here after days of flying, to rest and plan my next actions. And now I brought a person, who has nowhere to go, to the same place.
"Oh. Hmmm... Seems you like to keep it simple", said Jacqueline, looking round my living compartment. Not a large one, actually. "I was expecting to see... You know. Weapons and ammo, electronics parts, tools, emergency supplies... But only a bed, few chairs and a table?.."
"Yup. Welcome to my little place. Yeah. I like to live... spartan", I replied, putting my travel bag under the table and rifle into the locker, "So, any meaningful things are on the table, you may look, but, please... don't rearrange them."
"Khm. Okay... Aw, that night light is really cute!"
"Aw, thank you. I call it... Kittenshine. And also it's warm. I like to hold it in my hands, or just look at it, and think about... Well. Something good. Something better. Warm as well. Helps, you know. Can't even remember when I bought it, like, years ago... But I don't take it on a ship. It has to be... Here."
Jacqueline nodded and smiled softly... Right before calling me strange, hah. Yeah, yeah, those strange habits... Can't help but admit I have some. I hope she'll get used to sleeping with this soft light on... At least the bed is large enough. Asked her if I should purchase a separate one for her, but she said it was okay. Hah.
And I really hope she will feel herself safe here. So much to do...