Light and Haze, 10: Ticking the Boxes
30 Sep 2021Meowers
Oh, now she's my roommate. Maybe for a long time. Hah, that's even a kind of... strange, you know. Just realised that. And it's more strange that... I don't mind it, at all. Looks like my 'sense of personal space' accepted her. Maybe it's because I trust her, or at least know that she, ummm, unlikely to do something uncomfortable for me... That's nice. Perhaps. Maybe. I don't know exactly.
See, I'm used to live alone, and, um, normally tend to stay distant from people. Or just that 'strictly business' approach, quick and shallow. Not that people scare me, it's not a 'danger', it's even not a 'feeling' of any sort, but... It's just uncomfortable and I doubt that I can explain it quickly. Just... Drains my energy. I may look okay, but... Getting tired of people, fast, even if we're on friendly terms. With rare exceptions. So, normally, I need a place to be alone. A place, where I don't have to keep my guard about any of that social things. Yeah, strange stuff, I know...
So, when we arrived at Bluford Station, I told Jacqueline that she may accommodate herself in my living compartment and freely use everything, well, except my very personal items. Yeah, any walks outside were still under that 'I just rescued her and now searching for SAR office' cover, but thankfully no one ever stopped us for ID check. But... Khm. Bluford is an ordinary place, nothing really to look at, it's all simple and utilitarian. She even didn't want to eat in the cafe, so we just grabbed some fresh take-out meals and went back inside to spend the rest of the day watching dumb shows and talking about nothing serious. Next day was the same, hah. But... Hey. I think I miss that aimless time waste sometimes. And, yeah, days like that are important too. You can't be at your best forever.
However... Her sleep is a problem. Nightmares. Waking up with her heart racing and sweating and all that... Said that she's constantly being chased by someone. Or that she returns to, um, her past months. Or something vague, shapeless, but completely terrifying, not an entity, but a feeling. Uh... I know that, too well, but...errm... It may take months or even years to get rid of it. I can't do anything significant here, not in the short-term. And I don't have all the knowledge needed. I can only help her to calm down and sleep a bit more... Perhaps, when she was... there, in that place, adapted to that hell, maybe detached from it, she was, like, surviving. Now her mind is trying to return to its... 'normal everyday' functioning and processing, but... Uh. You may guess. Some things just... Will stay with us.
Oh, also she said that I've done an awesome work to make the place comfortable. Well... I don't know. I just put some things that I like here and there, adjusted the lights, also that big bed to drop myself on it from any angle, nothing too serious... So, Jacqueline told me that her parents were filling her room with 'retrograde stuff' of their choice, she often felt like their guest, her own belongings looked unsuitable there, out of place. And she was dreaming, like, for years, about living somewhere in 'her' space. And other places where she lived were 'too cold-standard'. 'With those cold lights like in public transport or office, and empty walls'. Hah. Quite precise...
That was interesting. Certainly. See, talking to someone and listening carefully you may notice those hints, those subtle things that were mentioned... Almost subconsciously. You can hear and understand more than was said in plain words. So, yeah, she wasn't really happy back there. When she told me her story the other day in short, there was a comment about 'parents were trying to make her a genius'... But, well, if told once and without much details it looked like... Something accepted already, left in the past. Now, I had the details. Much of them. She told them to me freely and without asking. Unintentionally? Maybe... So then I asked about those 'other places', and why she left her parents... Cautiously, without even a shade of the recent months, and... Well. Maybe we have more in common than we thought at first... She left them, saying rubbish like 'I want to live closer to where I work and study', the same line she said to me earlier, but, ummm, actually that was a cover... For running away from excessive control. Planned running away.
Yup, still no clues about possible return to them even if she have nowhere to go... But, hell, now I understand her. Even told her a bit about my own past, why I left my parents at 18. That messed up crap. But, uh, not the following super messed up crap that I don't want to tell to anybody. And, ummm... I like when talks go like this, without turning into an interrogation. Safe and comfortable environment, trust and understanding can do more, much more than just uncovering some information.
But, secretly, I waited for a reply from Pilots Federation on my text comms. I contacted their office the day we returned to Bluford, sent them a message about a possible new trainee, asked about any dates and directions and all that stuff. Yeah. That was the initial plan. See, PF doesn't give a crap about your previous ID, they use their own channels, even having it isn't strictly required if you want to apply. They're independent from any governments and staying away from the politics. And licences, issued by PF, are having almost the same legal effect in most places. Except government, military, etc. But most 'public' places are okay with them. If you don't have an ID, you just have to wait for a... few minutes to few days more. Until they found out who you really are. Or not. Anyway, they aren't interested in refusing people to obtain those licences. Waiting in a queue for your training group spot may take months, and the learning part may be too difficult for some, though, but the documents were the main concern now. I can cover those 'training preparations', so she will know what to do...
Ummm... I didn't want to give Jacqueline a kind of hope without knowing the actual, one-damn-hundred-percent possibility of what I'm going to offer. What if it fails? I can't speak for other people involved in that, and, uh, every time when other people are involved... There's more chances that things will go the crap way. So, yeah, talking to her, I was saying that 'yeah, sent some messages, pulled the strings, can't say for sure now, blah blah blah' and that kind of rubbish. Just to stick to the truth, but without revealing the details. It was close to that 'one hundred percent', but, you know... Even ninety nine point nine isn't enough. Especially if it depends on someone who's not you.
And what's good in playing that PF card... See, they do psychological assessments of their trainees. Yeah, yeah, I know, those surveys may look like they were actually made by those trainees after, umm, reading a few basic-level articles... There's only a pair of them contain, like, hundreds of questions. And after answering them you feel turned inside out. And the results are surprising. But they don't use them so often. So, most of those surveys are quite predictable, easy to cheat and, ummm, 'look normal' on the results. But, again, it's not about ticking the boxes, but about a person who will talk to you after... And, well, their specialists are good. Actually catched me, khm... Cheating. Something from my talking let the truth out... Maybe even the voice tone... Can't recall now. But, hey, no one was able to do that before! I knew that if I answered honestly, I'd much likely hit the 'red zone', and then goodbye my licence and back to...uh, that crap I wanted to leave. Had copies of those basic tests on my terminal, ah, don't ask why. So, but then she said I'm good at maintaining, and my training scores were pretty decent, so... Yeah, I passed. Was told to pay attention. Still think it was a controversial moment...
Yup, I'm going to tell Jacqueline to answer honestly and talk with them about what's happened, so they can help her. I'm... I'm just an amateur. I don't know much. I can't do much. All that I can do, actually, is to be somewhere near to keep her more safe.
So, yeah. I received that answer, at last. They said we're free to visit their main office in Shinrarta Dezhra at any time, to submit the application forms, etc. Wow... Just... Yeah, I knew that it was possible, but... That plain 'yes'? Ah, okay, you have to reach Elite rank to gain a visit permit to this place... And, thankfully, I have three of them, hah. So maybe I actually had a right to bring new trainees to them? And, yeah... That. Was. A. Relief. Knowing that she will be safe for several months of their education and training programme... And the professional help will be reachable... Hell, I couldn't ask for more now. She have that shot now, that chance to restart everything. To learn how to live, not just how to survive... She have a future. In front of her. Not somewhere on the horizon. Maybe not a kind of future she wanted, but she can build her own from there.
Going to tell her that we're leaving for Shinrarta as soon as she's ready.