Light and Haze, 11: Saving Faces
02 Oct 2021Meowers
Uh, guess I should act faster than I thought before... Way smarter too... Damn, damn, you know why sometimes I really blame myself for thinking about good things too much? Ah, who am I kidding. I'm always super cautious and anxious when things go nice and smooth. Suspiciously smooth. Sometimes people call me paranoid or pessmistic or say 'you should have faith in the better' or whatever. Hah. I just say that the higher you climb, the more painful the fall. Yeah, that's a dilemma, because, ummm, obviously you have to keep climbing. And, ah, if this was my personal, then... Damn, I don't give a single crap about how many times I may fall. Every goddamn time it happens, I retreat to lick my wounds, get my bearings, sum up the experience, create a new plan and soon I'm back again. With my golden classic 'hey, bring it on, you little shits!'. But being stronger this time. Yeah, I know that eventually I'll fall for the last time, but... Hey. It happens. At least I tried. But I just... Can't stand letting down other people. People who trust me, people whom I help willingly, who may even depend on me... As I'm always doing my best and hate to see when it's not enough. Damn... It makes me completely ruin myself in my own eyes. Just... Aaargh.
Crap... Really, really, hate it... Why it's always going THAT way?..
So, where do I start... Should I say that today I spent, like, two hours near the bath tub to make sure she won't do anything to herself, waiting for her to calm down? And it wasn't even in my cabin, but, actually, a hundred light years away? Yup... Last few hours were quite intense.
Yeah, we're in Shinrarta now. Jameson Memorial. Another place that 'you should visit at least once', but... More formal. Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful, it's grandiose, it's dedicated to the person to whom we all, probably, owe our lives... But I just can't feel that 'tourist spirit'. You know, that hard-to-impress type. So I won't be talking much about well-known places.
As soon as I received that answer from PF, I signaled Jacqueline that we may depart and told the details of my initial plan. It was about kicking two arses with one boot. Like, sending her to the PF training so she may obtain licence that would go as ID too, and also her mental state would be monitored by professionals, not an amateur like me. Yeah, I remember that she said that this 'spacefaring' type of life is something really unknown for her and she was taught to have quite an opposite lifestyle... So had to mention that she may keep everything as she wants, just having a ship somewhere in the hangar to fly it whenever she wants. And, hah, with those countless assist modules she may even forget about controlling it manually. People are obtaining those Elite ranks, using docking, landing, cruising, pooping, whatever assists and I even doubt that they actually know which stick is used for turning. Ah... Not that I encourage use of that crap... But, yeah, wanted to tell that she don't have to be a professional pilot to move between some populated stations.
But, well, she seemed quite pleased with that option even without that last part... Yeah, also told her that she may return to her medical duty afterwards, continuing her education and practice, having more options to choose from, as she could fly anywhere. She may even start her own humanitarian missions later, having a ship. And, actually, it sounded great. Maybe, huh, I should join them too, as an escort fighter, who knows, hah. So, we got ourselves some snacks and departed quickly. The trip itself wasn't so short, but thankfully, without any accidents. Just a usual stretch of jumping and refueling. Jacqueline... Well, can't say that she was 'excited', as joining the pilot training wasn't something that she was dreaming about, but... She was interested. Asked me about various things that she may perform while having a ship. So, yeah, we spent that time just discussing the various space stuff.
Arranged a living cabin for two this time, as, hah, no reason to hide her status now, so we had a place to stay in, in case we'll need it. But we headed right to the PF office after landing. So... What it looks like? Quite usual. Hah, some people say that there's a giant computer in head of Pilots Federation, because it's always so neutral. I don't know what its head look like, but there's definitely a computer on their reception area. Then I put my pilot's card in it, as it was a computer, not a living receptionist... Stood still for a moment to let them scan me... Hah, I'm always doing that sarcastic grin when something tries to scan my face. Also mentioned Jacqueline's status, as 'candidate without active ID', and... They let us in. We walked into the main hall and then both sat in front of a clerk and explained what happened, in short. An identity test for people that came here without an ID? Sure, let's do that, no problem. Then... Well... Then things went shit way.
See... Imperials pay attention to keeping tracks of people. Perhaps even more than Feds... Of course they need to do this, with their 'indentured servitude' and legalised cloning, hah. Therefore their biometrics database is... pretty detailed. That means... Yeah. So, face scanning, iris scanning, fingerprints, blood sample, all that stuff, then he uploaded the data to his terminal, and, umm... If you're a runaway from a backward independent world, you may wait weeks for the results... Imperial citizens? Less than a half an hour, spent on connection and data transfer, so we even were told just to wait right here... And it's done. So, well... He raised his eyebrows in a pretty surprised expression and turned the screen to us. And... Khm...
I saw a face on that screen. It had a... Slight resemblance with Jacqueline's. And she... Ummm... She just turned pale. And then nodded, like, saying that it's her. What..the..crap... What the... So, then she tried to keep it short and shallow, explaining why she looks like that, but..no way, it's... Those places. A few words and..she just.. Lost it..started crying and telling her story, like... In the goddamn detail. Through the tears. Breathing like... Uh. You may guess... So I sat closer to her and took her hand... Damn, it was... Cold. Trembling. And, then... What I find out that day... Seems like those slavers, that captured her, when she was returning home from her job, they... Ah, fff..it's impossible to predict that, how I was going to..Argh... So, they performed some plastic surgery on her face. To make her look like another person. A woman that was dear to that second hostage guy. Trying to break his will or something like that... Ah, crap, hate those people. Hate them so much, dammit!.. And, doing that, they did even more harm to her. So, then... She just went in tears, closing her eyes with a palm. Unable to say anything more...
And... Ummm... They took her to the med room, saying that I can wait for her nearby... It took like, damn, ages. And, well, before she was released, PF representatives reached me and said in private that, you know... They can't accept a person in that state. It was dangerous for her and she needed treatment more than training now. Crap... Then, I asked about ID. Because... How the heck we're going to treat her without an ID? Any trustworthy facility will reject her, and I don't want to resort to some backstreet crap. So, at first they refused to comment on that. Damn. Bureaucrats. Why they just don't... Ah, okay, okay... I had to ask them about, well, any options. I hate that asking instead of doing. I hate asking so much that... Damn! Just remembering that moment makes me angry and annoyed. It's like... Like accepting that I'm weak. Dependant. On someone. That I just can't go and arrange things the way I want. Like a stupid pointless child. And... That inner conflict with 'I can't let her down'. Yeah, I mentioned my Triple Elite status, but, ugh, in that circumstances it sounded like... Shit. Like I was 'playing the pity' crap. So... Argh... Ffff... Okay, stop... Stop. Let's sound serious. I mentioned that they may give her a licence under my responsibility. So I'll face the punishment if something go wrong. Ah. I'm okay with it. Let it be any kind of licence, we need just to go through another series of bureaucratic hoops.
Then they released her... With an injection mark on her arm. Looks like an emergency medication, a tranquiliser of sorts... Yeah, definitely, and the dose was large.. She was kind of slow and 'detached', walking a bit wobbly and all that. And, yeah, they said that we should return here after 24 hours, they will issue her a limited trainee licence that may go as ID too. But, obviously, she can't legally own and pilot a ship with this one, and also, a mark personally for her, she can't apply to the training without a proper permission from the medical facility. At least some good news... Then I ordered a transportation to that our cabin, as, you know, walking so long in that state isn't a good idea.
And, while we were on our way, I realised. This may be an additional reason why she don't want to return to her parents. They will... They will just ruin her even further. If they even recognise her now. Getting angry as she 'got out of their control and look what's happened'. Yeah, yeah, those damned 'you had to stay at home' lines and such, always blaming a victim. And if they won't believe in the capture story, they will probably tell her off for that surgery. That wasn't her will, actually. Well... I may be completely wrong, it may be just my guesses, as I had, uh, no willing to return, having similar thoughts back then, even when... You know, things got really shitty... But. It may be closer to the truth than anything else, and she's, like, between two rocks now. Maybe she will say one day...
Well, meds supposed to help. But also they wear off over time... So we spent a few hours just laying on our beds, she even slept a bit. Or I just thought that she was sleeping? I can't say exactly now. So... I was thinking about what's next. Yeah, we should wait for that 'limited' documents, better than nothing. Grab them and return to Komotae to arrange a proper treatment... Anyway, she got up later, saying she's going to take the shower and return... And, uh, few minutes after I heard those sounds, like, breaking glass and..thudding, and quickly went there to look what the hell was happening.
And... Floor was covered with shards of mirror glass, and she was just sitting there...
So, she said me that... She, um, really wanted just to take a shower and freshen up after that accident, but... Yeah, she saw herself in that mirror, and... Thought about what happened today... Then, yeah. You know the rest. Like, she tried to break it, with the reflection in it, with her hands and head, and then just sat down on the floor. And I found her sitting on it, ummm, with one her hand covering the face, and other... Shit... She was just hitting the solid metal floor with it, paying no attention to the glass shards, like, with a full strength, again and again, damn, that hurts... Those cuts, and blood... Had to stop her. Instantly sat down next to her, right on the floor..Ah... Damn that glass.. And took her hand to stop..that. I was listening to her breath... It was, like, shaky, gasping... Uneven. So, I was waiting, what she'll do or say. So then... Then she said, through the tears, that she thinks... Thinks that she's 'wrong', 'unworthy', that all happened today was her fault. And not just today, but back then... Dammit..and that I shouldn't help her, that I'm wasting my energy, it's all in vain, it's all over for her anyway, and, ummm... She just had to be left there, on that outpost... Uh. I know that. Too, damn, well. It weren't 'her' thoughts. But... I can't help her with them... Damn... It's really way, way over my head. In fact, it may take years...
Suddenly, she..just snapped at me, pushed me away, stood up and shouted, like, I should leave her here, she don't deserve all that effort, I should go back to Komotae alone... All that. But, then.. She looked at her hands, covered with blood... Stepped back, sat on the edge of the tub, put her face in her hands and went silent..Sobbing.
Uh, she's sleeping now... Completely exhausted. We used some bandages and painkillers from the first aid kit here... Crap... I'll better go out for a bit and have a smoke...