Light and Haze, 12: Steps We Take
04 Oct 2021Meowers
Ah, hello again. It's me. So, we got to the Pilots Federation office once more to put an end to this triple-damned ID drama. And, I hope, once and for all. How's Jacqueline? Well, she's okay. As someone in her state can be okay, you know. That 'not at health risk' type of 'okay'... However, yeah, it's kind of good too. Hah, I know that sort of 'good'. She still have those bandages on her hands, but everything will be fine soon. And..yeah. She was even more shy and distant than she usually are, but... Yep. I know. It's most likely because of that stuff happened back then in the bathroom. Ah, she even asked me to accompany her on that walking around Jameson Memorial. Seeing things and making photos of things. And that..apologetic look. Ah, that would be fine. I don't have any interest in looking at stuff, but, yeah, it would be a great chance to let her relax and talk about what's going on. In an...unobtrusive way. Not like I'm going to tell her off or teach or whatever, because her experience is her experience, and everyone's experience is unique.
Yup. I was a tourist, hah. At, damn, last! But, yeah, first things first.
So, that's how the day started. She received a message... Um. Her communicator received a message. She was sleeping at that moment. Like, you know, the beginning of that day for her was just about sleeping and little walking around the cabin, she looks better, but needs to rest a bit more. And those nightmares are still an issue... But I took a liberty to look on the screen to see sender's ID... Hah. PF. As if it could've been someone else. Anyway, I was wide awake already for a few hours and reading, um, situation-related articles on a terminal here. Kind of... One of those energetic days. Like them! And it was my turn to make the coffee, yeah. So, when she started to wake up again, there were, hah, two surprises ready for her.
And, yeah, that message from PF. That we may visit their office to receive her documents and arrange things. Yeah! Cool, I say. Hah, that clerk again... He took my pilot's card, put it into his holo-printing device, pushed some buttons, and, well. Now I have a line that says I'm responsible for all her actions related to piloting. During the year or until she completes the training. Then he asked Jacqueline to use the photo booth, pushed another set of buttons, and... Jacqueline's new card looks almost like mine, but with that big red 'trainee' word in the corner. And also a note about 'can't purchase ships, can't undock unsupervised, can't... blah blah blah'. And that I'm supervising her and I'm responsible for... Ah, you know. Everything. For a year. Awesome. But, yeah, now she's... She has that goddamn piece of plastic! With all the shiny holo-marks! Yay! So, that clerk handed us our pilot cards and also gave that look... And then mumbled something like 'good luck' almost as if he wanted to say 'you're doomed'. Hah! Funny guy.
Then we went walking around Jameson Memorial... Hah. I remember saying her about 'you have to achieve Elite status to visit this place again as a pilot, and going here as a tourist will made a smoking hole in your pocket'. Hah, she's lucky. Of, um, sorts. She even asked me about this station, what's better to see here, what places to visit and all that things. And I was just like... Huh? What? Never been here before. And, oh, she was surprised, genuinely. Like, why, I have a chance to hang around here whenever I want, and I'm not using it... Ah. Why should I? Said her that I'm not impressed. Well... Actually, I'm rarely impressed by anything, and fancy places are, like, at the bottom of that list. See, when I look at something, I see... Only a picture. An information. Like a camera does. I just don't care what it is. It may be immensively beautiful, or, otherwise, something absolutely disgusting, and... I won't react. So, umm, that makes me a crappy tourist. However, I may be captivated by an... Atmosphere of the place, if it makes me think about something, attracts my attention. That's why I like those binary planets, they're quite a common sight throughout the Galaxy, but they give me..thoughts. This particular station? Ah, okay. It's big and pompous. I know the history. And it's too crowded for me anyway.
So I was just walking alongside her. Looking at her reading those signs and making photos was... Definitely more enjoyable than just staring at another monument of something. She was looking... So alive. Maybe for the first time during last days. Me? I got myself an ice cream and it was yummy. So then I got another one. And another one. Noticed that she haven't made a single photo of herself here, however... I understand.
Also, Jacqueline, um, apologised for that accident before. Told her that, yeah, it's accepted, but she don't have to feel herself even worse, think bad of herself because of that, or that I changed my opinion about her and whatsoever... Ah, who am I kidding, she will much likely think that way. Because that's how it works. And I have to let her believe that my words are true. I understand what it was, how and why that situations occur, and all that. It's seriously unfair to blame someone for...affected actions like that. Because it happens due to things they're not to blame for, and those things left an ineffaceable mark on the mind. Sometimes retaining control is just..too difficult, too much..conflicting thoughts, in an instant, and they just flood and take over. Or something that's just impossible to process properly, in the logical way, because it's now...an ingrained pattern. And it causes those reactions. It wasn't 'her will'.
Told her about one of my old tricks, hope it will help her. Just stopping and analysing what are you thinking about now, from time to time. Like, controlling, checking. Correcting yourself if needed and if, uh, still possible. Thoughts tend to wander into places where..you don't want them to be, and it's just happening without any awareness, randomly. Or something just emerges from the deepest memory and then it's a struggle to get rid of it. It locks the attention. Ah, crap, it's easy to say, but took me years to learn, to make this thing automatic. Can't help in..intense occasions, but, well, eases the constant stress.
Anyway, I wasn't planning on going anywhere until Jacqueline says she's okay and ready for a trip back. Yeah, we shouldn't waste any time, however, no need for an exceptional hurry. But, hah, surprisingly, she said that she's ready to move on, back to Komotae. Right after returning from that walk. She... Sees my living space comfortable and, um, misses that feeling. Yeah, I should reprogram the door lock so it will accept her card too. And, hah, pay up for that broken mirror and blooded towels. So, we boarded Marshmallow and started our return trip.
"What you're planning to do now?", she asked as we took off, "I have that... Hmmm... That card. But they said 'I'm too unstable' or something. I have a medical experience by myself, but, you know, more 'physical'. So..."
"Yeah. You got it. Probably. I guess. See, Bluford Station is not a small place too. Just, uh, not that pompous. So they have a facility that specialises on mental things", I replied, manoeuvring around the countless tourist liners and then leaving the station, "It's pretty standard, not shockingly expensive, but its level is still decent. Why Komotae, not just any random place that's closer? Obviously, I'll be around if my attention is needed. And you can stay at my place until we sort things out."
"So then I'll ask... Why are you still helping me? I'm... I'm grateful for that, really, but... You spent days arranging that stuff, we were at risk... Again. Because of me. And now you took that responsibility. And I, just... I can't get that. What is your final goal? What I have to do for you in return?"
"Uh...", ouch. This question really had me thinking. Almost forgot to initiate the jumping sequence. See, I want to be honest, but, then, ummm... I still don't want to overburden her with my own introspections. And you can't just say something like that in a few words, it's all... Systematic. Intertwined.
"So...? It's complicated?", she asked me again and I realised that I was... thinking for too long. Uh. Okay.
"Much as with you."