Light and Haze, 14: Survive the Storm
08 Oct 2021Meowers
Uh, hello... Okay, okay, I'll record this, to be completely honest with you, and..ummmm, with myself too, but, yeah... That first day of being a kind of, um, instructor... Hah. Was a good lesson... Can't argue... Ffff... Quite hard, you know. So, yeah, that one..would be difficult... You may..Uh, even not listen to it... But I'll try. Dammit... Why it's always... Like THAT? Like, you know... I'm... I'm good with controlling that stuff, okay?!.. Well, usually... That today's crap is random... And the most extreme... Ah..Okay, I know, that... Some days I'm more vulnerable. Like, it's closer to me... That... Presence. But, uh... It's still about chances. Can't predict exactly... Ugh, damn, I hate that...
So, that mess is started... All of a sudden. Like it does almost every time... Was doing my, umm, usual morning stuff, like coffee, watching news...reading something, all that. Ah, must admit... Yesterday I was, uh, 'okay', with all that..plans and our chances... Today, well, some... Slight anxiety. What if, what if, what if... And so on. But, hey, that happens, that's usual, groundless, meaningless...umm, almost. I'm used to it. And what I had today, yeah, that... 'bad stuff in my head' I told about earlier... Damn this thing. Sometimes it takes several minutes to reach the full power, so I... Ummm... Have a chance to prepare myself, maybe... Maybe distract myself with something... Like, 'locking' my attention at it, to..ummm... To hide. But sometimes it's faster.
Alright then...Okay... I'll say what..happens with me... Trying to analyse it, uh, even helps... Sometimes.
It's like... Dark... Dark, completely pitch black clouds appearing in my mind... Swirling... But they're dense, clogging my thoughts, like, completely. Can't think about anything else... And it's growing, growing, and... Damn, that helplessness... Can't dispel it, can't see any light... Through that...thing. It replaces everything, every little thought, every spark... Everything drowns in it, can't focus...to keep just something safe from it. It just... Invades the mind, leaving nothing except...itself. And everything I see is blurred, like... Seeing the world through the dirty glass... or a haze, a mist... and movements are slow, inaccurate... Like something is interfering, impairing the control. Hands are..uh.. Shaking a bit. But the worst part... Ffff...It's like an irrational fear of..something. Something subconscious. Shapeless... But somehow recognisable. And, not only the fear... Also that feeling of being helpless, doomed. Lost, without a chance to... To save myself from it. Sometimes it's like that... Sometimes it gives me, like... A feeling of presence, in... That place... Places. Where I've been before... Mixed together, without any distinct shape. Without even a spot in the time... But... It almost like I... returned somewhere there. And those years, like, they're happening... Now. With the same thoughts... Same fears and endless despair... That just won't end. Nowhere to hide, no safe place, it's just... Everywhere. It's...It's all around me, within me... Everywhere. Damn... And I want it to end, to stop, at...at all costs. And sometimes it... Bring thoughts with it, more distinct. Still... Can't stop them. It.. Yells at me. Overpowers me. Tries to command... Not like voice, like said words, but... Thoughts. Deeper than any voice. I can't argue with them, it uses... My own logic against me, my own memories. It has an answer ready for everything... Tracking down every my thought and... Twisting it, turning it against me. It tries to make me.. drop everything, to make me..give up. Stop resisting... That it's all my fault and... I'll keep falling down just because of who I am. Tells me that I have no meaning, that I... Should end this. Now or later... If I ever accept what it tells to me. But... Then I will see it as my own logical decision. FFff... And resisting it is like... An instinct. Fighting for my...own life. With... Everything I got...
...breathe steady...breathe steady...in...out...in...out...
Uh... Well... Ah, okay... Where I was...Ah.
Damn it, don't think... So, that dark mess, yep... Like, usually, I control my thoughts, I have to. Every day, trying not to... Think about various stuff. Or to keep them from falling into a downward spiral sometimes, if they're, like, stuck... At something that I can't resolve now. Something that makes me think... Bad and illogical stuff about everything related to me... But that crap overpowers everything when it happens... And it...it lasts damn hours. Leaving me exhausted, completely... Apathetic and empty.
Crap...But, what I really fear, is those stretches... When it happens almost every day. For weeks...
So, Jacqueline, she realised that I wasn't... Quite okay. And, uh, asked me about today. Said her that.. It's fine, I can do it...Yeah, actually I can. See, distracting helps me... It can't drive that storm away, but... Yeah. I have to divert my...processing power to something else. I may... Hide from it. To some extent... To 'lock' my attention. So, I just asked her to wait a bit... And..leaned on the wall... Damn. Can't remember how long I was staying there like that... But she, um..made a cup of tea and gave it to me, and...Uh...Took my hand. Said that I'm here, with her. I'm home... Home... Home... What's that place anyway? But, uh..Thanks. I... I appreciate the effort, just... There's little can help. In short-term... Looks like she realised... What is that all about, what's..happening with me.
Told her not to worry about me... Not to feel sorry for me or something..like that. Ah..okay, she can, but, just...Uh, don't show it, please. Better for me that way... Just... I need a bit more time. Yeah, it may be hard to understand as..uh... I'm definitely not okay now. But... It's my own stuff. I'll..deal with it, I have to... That feeling sorry..uh.. And lowering the bars, because of..this stuff in my head... I just..don't want to be seen weak, or fragile... Or..less able to do things... 'Special' of some sort, all that..attention stuff. It's so..belittling, demeaning...crap... My issues..aren't defining me as a person. My actions do... It's... I just need more time..some days. And, that's all...
Uh... So, yeah...Had to go. Can't let..that stuff ruin my plans...Again. Ffff...hate when it happens...Shut up you crap...You have no power over me, damn you...
So, then, we..made our way to the hangars..Took, damn, ages... With that crap on the background... Then, we boarded the Marshmallow, and I powered up the systems... That...familiar sound. It's... Even relaxing...A bit.
I've set a course to Komotae 1, that..gas giant with the rings... The rings, actually, were the destination point. See, it may be hard for a novice to keep that... Direction, in the open space. And to feel the actual speed... So I dropped from the cruise mode close to the rings. She could see those floating chunks, separate, use them as a kind of reference... But still at a reasonable distance from them. Diverted the power from engines to shields, and boosted, draining the capacitor...So she won't boost accidentally. And with minimal engine power the Marshmallow isn't that manoeuvrable..good for a start... Then I reset the controls to standard and..we swapped places... I just told her to remember the theory and just, like, fly around... To make some turns and spins, familiarise herself with those controls... To 'feel the ship'. It's not that hard..to be an instructor, hah. So I just had to watch..keeping my hands on a co-pilot's throttle stick and control switch... In case. But, well, she did fine.
Then I told her to bring us back... Gave a quick overview of the nav panel, so she found Bluford Station in that list and selected it. Hah, she remembered about the mass lock and was watching me when I was jumping or entering the cruise mode. I just made sure that she knows how to activate the FSD... And its, hah, quite easy. So, she did everything well...Also I wanted to tell her about the 'blue zone' thing, but, khm... Not now, she's doing awesome for a first time already... Too cautious, maybe, but it's the safe way to go. So just told her to move slowly, at the lowest 'tick' of that blue zone. And we swapped our places back, dropping from the cruise near Bluford... So I just had to land and that's all for today...Uh, forgot, we had to walk to the cabin. Sometimes it's harder than flying hundreds of light years...
Also... Yeah, now I have to accept that she...saw me like this.
Damn, I really need to sleep...