Light and Haze, 18: Revelations
16 Oct 2021Meowers
Hello. It's me again. So... When I said about 'famous place', I meant... Hah. Really famous place. So... We made it. Alpha Centauri. Hutton Orbital. Mugs? Yeah, got them. And also... uh. Ship painting crews here are just top tier. Their expertise of completely replacing the paint coat just cannot be surpassed, as you may guess. And, hah, here's the answer why Marshmallow has that name. It's because of the colour!
Why are we here? Yup. That tracking implant. And my mad engineering trick. So, a little heating element, some batteries that will make this thing work for a few months... Some wires, some calculations to configure its output to simulate 'human body' temperature... An unbeatable roll of duct tape... And now our 'runaway slave' is hiding in a dumpster. Behind the wall panel. On Hutton. Come here and get her, you shits! Hah. People saw two women leaving the waste processing bay, and they both were laughing like crazy... Can't explain that properly, sorry!
Anyway, we had not so much time to casually hang around here. And, well, apart from that 'the most distant station from the main star' flair, there's... Ah. It's just a bit weird place with a bit weird people, but you have to be weird to live here. And we need to head back to Komotae, as Jacqueline's appointment is... Ow. Half a day left. Time to pack our mugs, clean our suits after the dirty joke, make some quick photos... Errm... She still haven't made a single photo of herself, but, well, I won't insist. Let's just depart and hope for the best. We already did as much as we could.
It's better to spend some time on preparations, to make everything more... productive. Well, usually it's wise to write down all that bothers you, your self-observations, reflections, anything that you may see bugging you. Everything, literally. Both present and something from the past that you can remember, even if you might see it 'insignificant' now. There's no 'insignificant' stuff, to be honest, if it bothers or bothered you earlier, it's present. Yes or no. And the more information you can provide, the more accurate the diagnostics and actions will be.
But Jacqueline's case was a bit different. What happened to her, happened quite recently, so she didn't have time to adapt, to observe, to develop her own workarounds and a safe enough way to live. And then describe it, how it might be different from what considered 'normal', and why she had to do this. So, any talks should be done carefully and by a professional, because it's too easy to make things worse. She still don't know... Herself well. To navigate and see the possible danger. So I just told her to get her datapad out of the pocket and write down anything that she wants to say first. Something to start the dialogue with. Adding that to the 'troubling topics list' she made already. A quick and relatively safe 'summary' of recent events, avoiding digging deep into the memories. Like... 'If you feel seriously uncomfortable, then stop it now, jump to another topic, and leave the deeper details for an appropriate time', without unneeded provoking. Don't poke the beast without a reason. And also I sent her copies of those quick tests to look at while we make our way from one system to another.
It's a long way ahead for both of us...
* * *
By the results of her initial assessment, Jacqueline was advised to start the in-patient treatment. A radical move to prevent further disorder development. And, at the end of it, she will receive an official permission to begin her pilot trainings, and she could combine them with therapy. Funds that she raised during our flights were more than enough. So... It's time to part our ways, I guess. We went back to the cabin to pack her bag, have a coffee and then returned to the clinic. She had little to carry with herself, just some basic clothes, electronics and that Hutton Mug. And also I made a little gift to her. A ticket to Dromi, PF training sector, with an open departure date.
"I wish you the best, Jacqueline. You... really deserve it."
"Thank you... For all you've done for me. For all these efforts. For that chance", she replied, looking at the ticket, "I don't know what awaits me, but... Maybe I'm really not completely lost. I promise you... I will try my best. I will do my best. So all that will not be in vain."
"And thank you for giving me the chance to help you. Seeing your progress was..encouraging. I was... Maybe I was too afraid to look at my own truth. My PF card says that I'm 26... Hah. Lied to them. Forged the old ID. I'm 32. Lost six years to..uh..stuff that made me..like this. And some more on running, pretending I'm fine... But you can't run away from yourself. So... Maybe... Send me a message over the ship comms, after you finish with this...", I nodded towards the medical building, "...and your training. If you want, of course."
Jacqueline smiled slightly and said her thanks to me once more. Then she turned around and walked towards the clinic, leaving me standing there and staring at the entrance. And I... Realised how strong she is, actually. I was so afraid that they will ground me, revoking my licence. So afraid of reactions, hiding behind a mask of harsh, taciturn and distant person. So afraid of seeing that I was running for years. But... If one day my life... ends because of this, even if it wasn't 'my will', even if I was resisting as much as I can... I won't be able to do any more good. I won't have any more chances. I..really should visit this place as well some day...
I don't think that she will send me anything more than a basic 'hello', we're still too different to become 'best friends' or more. Or even if she does... Does it have any point? She have her own life now, or at least going to have. And this life will go on for years, with its natural ups and downs, new events, new people, new everything to remember and enjoy. To live a life. And I will, even if I was a bright spark, fade out in memory like all sparks do. And it's natural for all those random things happening with people, as I see. Sad, but quite natural. People are meeting each other to play their parts and then they go their separate ways. So she will live her life, I will live mine. Trying to do something that I see right. Hey, at least I'm trying.
And... Also it was the first day when I saw her in tears, but was... Happy for her. Because these weren't tears of pain and despair, tears that fall when it's nothing more left but tears. I saw a relief. A hope. In the eyes that were completely empty just a few weeks ago. She was finally able to speak out everything, be listened to, be understood. She heard the words that she needed the most. Words that brought her that hope. I know how difficult it can be, just to tell something. How exhausting it can be, just to think about something. How much pain can be hidden in your own memories. How desperately you may want to find a path, that will lead you through the ruins. How happy you may be, finally seeing that guiding light.
A light in the haze.
* * *
(Real prototype of Kittenshine, and the tattoo)
The story reached the conclusion now, and I'm happy to say my sincere thanks to everyone who read it, who followed it, who put their Shinies on these episodes, and especially to people who messaged me, sent a feedback. I really appreciate it, a lot. As this story, while being relatively short, have a certain importance for me. And not just because it was a 'change of style'. It was a hard thing to write, as you may guess, but I never thought that it would be a hard thing to publish. And seeing that people are reading it, people are interested, gave me that much needed confidence. And every two days my fingers were crossed and anxiety was trying to stop me, but... I was pushing that button nevertheless. So, thank you. From the very heart.
I've tried to make this story not just 'stand-alone', but also easily detachable from the Elite universe. Focused more on personalities rather than on an environment. So you can replace things that are specific for Elite with literally anything else, any other analogue, placing that story into any world, imaginary... Or not. As events, happening there, may take place anywhere, in any time, with any people. And the time, the place and the universe, imaginary or not, will remain just a background.
The main purpose of 'Light and Haze' was about giving an insight on mental issues, caused by traumatic experiences, and possible ways to interact, help and hold out until the professional help would be available. As well as some 'things that I wanted to say to this world and let them go'. Action and flight scenes, both combat and training, were added to make the story more dynamic, but also they show that people still have to live their lives and face their challenges, while fighting that invisible battle. You can't just bandage your mind and let it rest and recover. Thereby, one phrase, said in the very beginning of the story, explains everything now.
"Memories of the past shape our decisions made today".
Jacqueline, as a fictional character, has a backstory episode of being held captive, but in real life it could be any other cause. An event or series of events, happened in a childhood or an adult age, in a certain moment or during a period of time. Adverse childhood, child abuse, domestic violence, abusive relationships, accidents, acts of crime, natural disasters, poor living conditions, armed conflicts and terrorism and so on. And there's no way to 'compare' or 'measure' a mental trauma, as it's tightly intertwined with the personality, personal response on a certain event, therefore trauma cannot be analysed separately. What one can withstand, may cause a severe impact on another person, and vice versa.
Mental health topics are important for me personally, so it was a solid reason to write this story, a reason why I had that 'instant idea' about writing it, back then, almost half a year ago. I live with a mental health condition, with PTSD being the main and determinant part of it. Therefore it was a chance to tell about its effects in a way that might be interesting and informative enough. To let people know what it is, how one particular case may look 'from the inside'. So, my most heartfelt gratitude to everyone who understood this story, thought about those aspects of human life while reading it.
May I say that memories of the past shaped my decision to write 'Light and Haze'? Apparently, yes.
Effects and symptoms, described in the story, aren't fictional.
Writing about Jacqueline's issues, I was trying to show an example of response on a recent mental trauma, describing things that I had seen personally or know about from my volunteering experience. It's not a 'specific' disorder, rather a combination of possible effects. That 'plastic surgery' moment was a part of her backstory, I had to come up with some idea of writing about it, so I 'attached' one of the known reactions. And interactions with her are containing hints and directions that were proven useful and universal enough to be safe for most cases.
And my character shares pivotal parts of my own backstory, symptoms, effects and adaptation measures, developed naturally over a long time of living with this mental condition. Specific way of thinking, that I tried to convey as well, developed with an influence of PTSD and a mixed anxiety-depression disorder, caused by the same experiences and also by being exposed to the effects of PTSD for several years without a proper treatment. Also there are some slight references to the effects of Cyclothymia, though not so severe in my case.
Because there's no other way to make your characters even more 'real', hah.
An interesting coincidence happened when I was publishing the story. Episode #15, 'Reclaim What's Yours', that was particularly 'bright and positive', dedicated to the chances of recovery, personal progress and mutual understanding, was posted on 10 October, in the World Mental Health Day.
So, this story was a compilation of observations, personal experiences of living with a mental health condition and ways to help someone else.
About things that are actually happening to people.
Thank you for reading it. And thinking about it.
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Inspired by: Journey to Elysium. The Jordanna Frost Story.
(the story is now inavailable on this website for personal reasons yet it isn't gone forever)
Inspired by: Journey to Elysium. The Jordanna Frost Story.
(the story is now inavailable on this website for personal reasons yet it isn't gone forever)