The Fate We Share, 3: A Spark of Hope
26 Feb 2022Meowers
I spent hours walking around Jacqueline's quarters, staring through the window, smoking, drinking coffee, trying to shape my thoughts into something coherent and perceivable by a young person. However..I had nothing clear and straightforward to say. But I really wanted to help this kid somehow, as, you know, if I can help at least one person, then my personal experiences weren't in vain. It was a thin ice though. I knew nothing about their culture, nothing other than Jacqueline told me earlier, and... She was too terrified to give any detail except telling about how awful the situation here was. So, my advices might be misleading, maybe even dangerous for a teenager, living in a local community. A place where I grew up was bad, but..not that bad. And it was different. And details may be too important.
My thoughts were still running back and forth frantically when I received Jacqueline's message that evening and hurried over to the medical centre, where I met with her and the boy in the examination room. Looks like they were talking about something quietly when I came in and the boy just..went silent. Looking into my eyes like he was in fear. They were sitting on the far side of the room and I just stopped on my tracks. I understand... Strangers aren't to be trusted here, he knew Jacqueline, but not me, so I nodded to her, and she reassured the boy that I was that outsider who wanted to help, and introduced us to each other.
So, his name was Ryan. He told me of his situation and experiences and how he felt. How he had feelings towards another student, and believed the other student felt the same, but they couldn't talk about it. For a long months, maybe even a year, they were unable to speak about it, and that problem was just slowly eating him alive. He was feeling himself wrong, flawed, sick and perverted, and that feeling was fuelling a never-ending conflict within his heart and mind, that grew stronger each week, each day.
His feelings were genuine, bright and sincere, but he had no chance to express them safely enough. Those feelings were banned in that society, and he felt he was lost to love and happiness..forever. And, looking at his friends and classmates having their first romances, speaking freely about them and expressing their feelings safely, he was stuck in that awful, hopeless loop. He could no longer look at any happy people without seeing himself inferior, broken and doomed to loneliness. And it was hurting him badly.
I was sitting beside him and listening. Carefully and silently. It was completely known to me, and, for a moment, I thought that my advices could really help. There was a hope. And no one should have to go through what he was being forced to, and I was reminded of the some of the same hardships and things that myself, and others I know, had to go through growing up. It took me several years to realise that it wasn't something wrong with me; the community itself was wrong.
When he had finished speaking I composed myself and just told him my story. Hoping it will encourage him, give him a bit of faith in the better future. Back in my younger years, I lived in the similar bigoted and narrow-minded community, media and networks were strictly censored, so, any information was scarce, and any contacts with the outsiders were limited and vigilantly controlled. I've learned to cover my tracks, while using public terminals to search for something, download it and then read on my datapad when I was alone.
What I discovered later was looking like a secret society. Some other girls and adult women were using certain colours in their outfit, special rings or necklaces, some words and phrases had double meanings and so on. And, I think, boys and men had something like this as well, on their side. Some people were hiding for years, living alone or having those fake marriages. I had to hide too, to keep everything secret or to come up with some made up answers on any potentially dangerous questions. Yeah, that whole situation was unjust... But it was a chance, at least.
So, I told him that when you cannot fight the society, you have to hide, to disguise yourself as one of them. And then leave, using the first chance to do it. Curing the society is quite a noble thing, but completely unrealistic and impossible for a single person, especially so young, and within a single generation. So, it wasn't about hiding forever and giving up your hopes, it wasn't a cowardice. It was bravery and a willing to live to fight another day. It was about saving yourself, your own life, lives of your friends, surviving those terrible conditions, to reach the freedom eventually. It can be pretty difficult at the very beginning, but then your experience will help you. Thinking about the future, you can go through another dark day.
And also there's a family dilemma... But the answer is simple. People who raised you, but then can harm you or throw you out of your home for loving 'the wrong person' aren't your parents anymore. They're as vile as strangers who could ruin your life as well. You might be still dependant on them if you're young, but you really should plan on leaving them. The chances of them changing their minds are faint at best.
We left the medical centre and the boy headed home. I headed back to Jacqueline's quarters and waited for her to get back from her shift. When she came in we talked some more, before we each headed to bed. I stayed a few more days, spending time with Jacqueline between her work shifts, and enjoying the colony's gardens and facilities whilst she was working. But, knowing about the attitudes and views of the colony's citizens made me angry and uncomfortable every time I thought of them. Why does it matter who a person loves?
I didn't see the boy again in those couple of days before I had to leave. I needed to return to Komotae to undergo observations and assessments as part of my own treatment for my mental condition, but what looked like usual monthly appointment with some talking and tests... Suddenly ended up with me surrendering the pilot's licence for a week, as the recent events happened before Jacqueline messaged me, showed that I'm..not that stable as I probably should be. So, another week at the Komotae Mental Health Centre, more tests, medication plan adjustments, assessments... And I was tied to the station again.
Unable to do any good for Jacqueline and Ryan.