The Fate We Share, 5: Despair
28 Feb 2022Meowers
Hello, Jacqueline.
I'm too afraid that I'm followed and they hear all I say. Maybe I really have that spying app on my communicator that father told me about. "It's for your safety", he said. "I don't want to see you harmed by bad people", he said. That old arsehole lied to me. He reads everything. Next day my connection to the comm network was messed up, now I barely can receive any messages from the outside. That's why I'd left that note on your desk. Good old paper. Nobody could overhear it.
Ryan.
* * *
Hi, Jacqueline.
You're that busy each day? And where's Ina? That pilot woman who talked to me? Has she left the planet? She can't help me? Why is everybody leaving me here, am I that bad? Is everything they say the truth, and I really am a mistake? Shit, I can't take any of this anymore. I see a hope and then it's gone. Why? I'm so tired. I hate this home, I hate this godforsaken place, I hate this damn bigoted hellhole and everyone in it.
R.
* * *
Hello, Jacqueline.
I know that there are some people like me. Maybe. I hope. But I can't damn take it anymore. Why does everyone hate me because of that? I'm scared, really scared. Some people don't want to talk with me, and I can't take it, why? Please, understand me. How do I can go through that every day? How can I grow stronger? I'm feeling numb. All the time I'm numb. Maybe I'm really becoming devoid of feelings. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that one day I may give up and say to Daniel that we should end this. But I can't. I love him. But one day I'll give up on my future, I can't take it anymore.
R.
* * *
I hate this pain. I hate everything. Somebody who doesn't know me well might say that I look smart. And mature. Bullshit. I'm avoiding people, I don't like to talk, I want to isolate myself from everyone. Except Daniel. I don't know what he feels, but I'm too afraid that he feels the same shit. What if I'm right? I don't want to hurt him. Maybe I really should say to him that everything is over. So they won't hurt him as they hurt me.
* * *
Sorry this one is short. My father is a damn worm, I hate him. He broke down my door yesterday. Took away my communicator and read all my messages out loud. Then he beat me. I wish he will kill me one day.
R.
* * *
I'm tired of everything that surrounds me. This world surrounds me. I'm constantly under siege. Always an easy target. Classmates, teachers, all of them are scumbags. My previous teacher was the worst piece of shit. This is how I grew up. I was too naive, I was too weak to fight back. I've tried to be like them, but I can't, I really can't. How I can leave this place? Maybe you could tell Ina about me again?
* * *
Hi, Jacqueline.
Heard what those bastards from school were saying today.
"No one would care if he died. I wouldn't. We'll be happy, we'll start a party this day. He's a shitty pervert. Everyone will be happier without him around."
"You know, my dad works at the power plant. I could steal his access card! Let's tie that faggot to the reactor! He'll be fried in a minute!"
"If he try to even touch me I will beat the hell out of that idiot."
I think they knew that I could hear all that crap! I don't damn know it's better to let them just kill me or damn run away to the pads and hide in a cargo container.
R.
* * *
Days are blurring into one. I'm going to hide in the old abandoned water treatment building outside the colony. It's quiet there. I've lost track of time. I'm tired. The world didn't let me live. Is living on really a better choice? Maybe I should wait and see this place becoming better? But I have had enough. I just want to stop the pain. I'm sorry about that. Don't be sad. Be happy that all the shit I feel is going to be gone forever.