Devoid
05 Nov 2023Kasumi Goto
Personal log entryNovember 5, 3309
Visibility - Private
The last few days have felt empty. Hell, the entire last week...
Everything is just devoid of meaning. Eating, drinking, I do it to stay alive for them, not because I enjoy it. Showering, so I remain focused on its tasks instead of feeling dirty. Sleeping, so I have energy for what this... thing, this... entity, in my head, wants me to do. I don't even know if it is its own being, or just a manifestation of the hive mind.
Every day is the same. Nothing I do is my own will any longer. Or... almost. It is letting me write this down. Because... why? To make me feel powerless? I want to slam my fist into the table. Maybe I should...
It's letting me do this. Because I won't share it... with anyone. I can't fight... the pain. What it puts me through when I try to resist. What they put me through. How can I fight back against something that can hurt me as much as it needs to? How long until it just takes control of my body?
I wish I could give people more information... warning. To come find me. About what it wants to make me do. It can't take over my mind, but it hurts too much to fight. So I have to do what it wants. Do... bad things. But not kill anything. ... yet? How could I ever live with myself if I was forced to? I don't want to die. But if I fight too much, the pain... it could kill me.
And the noise... it's always been so loud. Since this... change. I don't even know why it happened. Is it because of the spires? Is it because of our stu - no. Not stupidity. We should
I can't finish the sentence. It still watches, even when I can't do anything because I'm too tired. I could feel it getting ready to hurt me.
The noise hurts too. Takes up so much of my mind. So... loud, grinding, hurting. Like it is stripping away at my... brain? Or is it my mind?
I can barely think sometimes. Only enough capacity to do what I'm told. Like... a puppet. The only time the noise goes away even a little bit is like now, when I am of no use. On the edge of falling asleep. But I don't want to.
The nightmares have gotten worse. How much worse... nearly every day worse. Or every day. The pills no longer work... it all blends together. Just another form of torture, showing me... god knows what. I don't know if it is things that happened when I was taken after that stupid Guardian superweapon bullshit. Or made up. But getting chased through dark places that I know, by them, or one of their ships...
I wish Aegis would find me already. I saw Alba's message. I want to go back. But it won't let me. It doesn't want me to talk to anyone. It wants me to hide, instead. Without telling me what they want me to do. What we should - no, not we. They, the Thargoi
Need to stop writing. The noise is returning. I don't want it to know too much.
How long can I do this for?