Logbook entry

Ren Solsen / 07 Feb 3306
New Year New Discoveries 3306 legacy.

The void is a chronic disease. One can try to keep it under control but it is in you. It is you.

More than a year ago, I left the bubble as an elite trader and philanthropist. The goal was to explore new worlds and find new homes for humanity. I succeeded in that. While standing at Salome’s reach looking towards Sol I noticed something wasn't right. How could I go back? The family I left behind must have moved on, out-grown me… and I… I have seen so much I felt my heart had no space for anything and anyone.

I did make it home to Kachian for a lukewarm reunion. I felt I was pretending to be happy and that they could see that. My life turned to a darker path then. I was no longer just a trader and a famous explorer. I become a bounty hunter, a mercenary, a Xeno hunter. In my head, I was protecting some “good guys” over the “bad guys”. Now I realize I was using their blood to keep mine from boiling.

For the family, I wasn't the same. That became apparent to everyone. As I dug into myself I started noticing scar tissue on my soul. I started realizing I needed to do something. I left again.

This time I left to become the man I once was. I invested my credits on a corporation together with close friends Boni and G. Hamster and became a legitimate businessman once again. Holding control of the Arouca Sweets was our greatest achievement. The feeling persisted, though. The person I was wasn't there, it was lost forever.

The appeal of the void was strong and, like a siren’s chant, impossible to resist. Fitted an Anaconda and was ready to jump for the Gap when I received the call for explorers for an expedition with the Alchemy Den. I thought to take it as a staged rehearsal, and I joined.

And here I am. What I expected to be nothing more than a warm-up for the engines turned out to be quite different. I found another lost soul in the rock at Morgan’s and suddenly I had a crew. Danna is not the talkative type. She seems to be as broken as I am. We made a drunken promise to figure it out. It started well enough with a massive brawl at the next station where we dropped.

Our first times together weren't easy and almost ended in tragedy when we were forced into the escape pods after a really bad encounter with a white dwarf. I thought I would never see her again. Hired guns are not known to stick around when something like this happens. Danna’s first reaction after defrosting and being resuscitated was: “Are you well enough? Let’s check the replacement ship, we will jump tomorrow!” We have a team now.

The CMDRs I met during the expedition were all exceptional. Some have withstood the void more than I did. The friendship they showed towards me didn't fix me, but there is a family out there. Souls that live in the space between the stars. And I feel I belong there. The happy realization of a grown man crying over a slice of Clara’s apple pancakes.  

So, I discovered that I’m lost. I embrace it, sell my soul to the witches of the void, and trust on Randomius to fix it. I will look at the void as a friend. Look at my past with tenderness and look to my future with no expectations. Most importantly, I’m not alone.

Off to the void!

A special note for:
CMDR G. Hamster, no one has shared so much of this galaxy with me.
CMDR Clara, for her wit and inspiration.
CMDR Gregtelo for sharing with me the misadventures of his first expedition.
CMDR Helios Eusebio, for pushing the boundaries and getting me killed.
CMDR Arburich, representing the whole fleet. I had an amazing time with you all.
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