It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,
I'm all alone, more or less.
Let me fly, far away from here,
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun.
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose,
Drinking fresh, mango juice,
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes,
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun,
Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun.
Well it had to happen didn't it? Today I did something monumentally stupid even by my standards. There I was minding my own business running cargo back and forth between systems never upsetting anyone and always running away from fights 'cause y'know I'm a lover not a fighter but today was different. Do you want to know why? Well I'm gonna tell you anyway so here's my tale of woe. Cast your mind back to my last log entry dear reader and you'll recall that I had a plan and that plan was to land at lhs 246 and sweep the flight controller off her feet and we were gonna be so happy together and make lots of beautiful babies and do all that stuff they do in the movies y'know? Well I landed at Gooch Terminal, checked I didn't smell like the inside of a bio waste cargo pod, hopped into the elevator to the control deck ready to meet the gal of my dreams only to find out when I got there that the fracking landing control is done by a fracking computer and I'd actually fallen for a bunch of circuitry with a voice synthesiser man did I feel like a grade A mega moron.
I was so gorram angry with myself I hopped back into Monty, sold all my cargo and high-tailed it outta the station. I hopped around at random for a few jumps and found myself not too far away from Sol so I decided to hop there just to give the Earth the finger (hey I grew up poor there so I figured I was entitled to show it some disrespect).
I jumped into the system, got some free fuel from the big yellow ball that us Scottish people never seem to see and plotted a course for Mars High just so I could sweep past the blue marble and give it the ol one finger salute. I'd just finished paying my respects when I glanced at the target console and saw an RES not too far from where I was (you see where this is going yet?) and decided to head there just to pop off a couple of shots at some measly pirates and hey I'd heard it was perfectly safe so long as you let the cops do most of the work and you get to keep the bounty.
I got there saw some cops, slotted in near them and bingo pirates ahoy, hardpoints popped, let them do the hard work, tag the crim with a shot or two and payday. This worked well for the first couple of times until one pirates cargo floated past me.... Low Temperature Diamonds and some precious metals. I guess he'd been kinda fortunate up until the moment he met the cops. I quickly dropped open the cargo scoop, grabbed the goodies and went back to following the cops while dreaming of the riches in my hold.
Yeah yeah nothing I've not heard plenty of times since I got here
"warning shields offline!"
Huh? Whisky Tango Foxtrot?
"Hull condition critical"
Next thing I knew I'm floating around the darkness of space watching some pirate in a gorram Anaconda scooping up MY diamonds before high waking it outta there. You know the old saying "in space no one can hear you scream"? Well turns out that they can if you're wearing a Remlock suit although in this case they heard me filling the airwaves with language that'd make a federation deck monkey blush.
I wake up at Daedalus Station only to find out that I've got an insurance excess of almost 4 million credits, man can my day get any worse? I stump it up and get the keys to a new python, kitted out exactly the same way as poor old Monty was, heck even my computer files were exactly the same so I can continue watching ancient "science fiction" shows from the 20+21st century. It didn't feel right christening the new python Monty so this one has been christened "The Prid of Ankh-Morpork" (and may whatever deity you believe in have mercy on your geeky antique literature loving soul if you get that reference), treated to a spiffy new paint job and some rather snazzy if I do say so myself cosmetic additions inside and out.
But yeah kids it's safe to say that this space bum has learned his lesson and that lesson is falling in love with a pile of circuitry is a seriously bad idea take it from me.
Anyway I'm off to watch some more episodes of my current favourite old show (Red Dwarf if you guys are still reading/even care), eat sugar frosted buzz bombs until everything goes a but fuzzy around the edges and try to figure out what to do with my life. (I already know what, run cargo, watch ancient TV shows, eat breakfast cereal and not fall in love with a gorram computer again)
Until next time this is cmdr Khelan signing off and reminding you that no matter how tempted you are don't try to eat the worm at the bottom of a bottle of Disoian tequila those critters bite back believe me.