Time to get back up
19 Jun 2024Armagne
19/04/2330I'm still feeling lost. I don't think I'll ever truly recover, Elena and Luca simply became a part of me over the years and the fact that they're gone has torn a hole in me that I fear can never be filled again. I'll never know who's responsible for it either so I can't even ask myself if the satisfaction of revenge would somehow offer closure. I can only pick up the pieces and get back up. It's what she would have wanted.
Those pencil necks at MAST have thrown me out for "unbefitting behavior" - well, to be honest I can't really blame them. I tried to do my job after... after it happened, I really id, but I just couldn't keep it up. I couldn't shake off the fits of rage and desperation so I realize I was not fit for the job anymore, I mean, who wants to make deals with other factions when your 'diplomat' is sobbing in the corner at one point and throwing coffee mugs around a moment later?
But to have me push papers in a dusty office in the MAST tower, well... cage me like an animal and I'll act like a caged animal. Maybe, just maybe coming into office drunk wasn't my best move, and maybe I shouldn't have called my supervisor and "incompetent snail" and maybe I shouldn't have topped it off by saying "I would be better off mining ore than wasting my time between inexperienced children who weren't worth my time". The irony isn't lost on me, the universe has a funny way of getting back to you.
Anyway, I sought further refuge in inebriation and isolation, to the point where I couldn't even push myself to get up anymore. This went on for... months, at least. Maybe even a year? The past months have been a literal blur. I had lost everything which made me... me, but during that time I've lost all my worldly possessions too : my home, my ship, ... good thing I could crash in a former MAST colleague's basement, which is a small step above living in The Well, but still... it became high time to stop wallowing in self-pity and get up. Nothing will bring them back but she wouldn't have wanted me to waste away like this.
I stopped drinking and started eating well again, working out, taking in the fresh outdoor air, .. if only Elena could see me, I think she would be proud.
I've also decided to pick up Xenobiology again, it's always fascinated me but I never though I could make a career out of it. Well, now I have nothing to lose so I might as well give it a spin. I've read several books on the subject, made my way through the parts of the MAST archive that I was allowed in, and studied some of the native flora and fauna of Jemison.
I've been doing odd jobs here and there, deliveries for the UC Distribution Center, collecting samples in the wild outside NA, ... but it's time to go for big credits again. Argos Extractors is looking for miners and the location is kept secret, so I'm sure whatever they're on to is pretty valuable. I've signed up yesterday, and I'm awaiting instructions. It'll be good to get on a starship again, it's been too long.