CMDR's log, 14 OCT 3305; Distance to Sol: 34,016.84 ly
14 Oct 2019T. Konstantine
I had a dream last night. I died... again.Why do i have these dreams only when I'm out in the black, seeking out new worlds? I don't have this problem when I'm doing service for our glorious Emperor...
First time, I was trying to evade trigger-happy pirates, and gleefully boosted my way through an asteroid field, only to get flattened by one.
This time, I tried to land on a 0.8 g planetoid, right next to a crash-landed ship. It's over 34 klys from the cradle of humanity. It should've been easy, right? I thought so...
Buy my ship behaved like it was struggling against 2+ gs. I have my best thrusters on, and yet it felt like trying to land a brick. Even with shields on, the ship sustained more than 50% structural damage.
Could it be that I'm easily willing to die for Her and the Legion, and my subconscious knows that? That dying for other than that frightens me? No, it can't be it. I came close to my end more times than I could count, and about half of them were when I was out in a random asteroid field, having some fun boosting through the rocks. I don't WISH to die, sure, but I haven't had this problem near the core systems...
Ah... that might be it. Dying without a purpose. Trying to further humanity's (but mainly, the Empire's) knowledge of the known universe, only to die by sheer incompetence, or random chance, and to lose all that valuable data... yes, that frightens me.
I mean, it's not like i haven't carried precious cargo before... for a purpose... furthering the Empire's agenda... so what's the difference? Did i get into easily avoidable near-death situations then? I don't remember. Maybe space madness is getting to me? I'm so far away from everything i love...
Why do i have these dreams only when I'm out in the black, seeking out new worlds? I don't have this mental problem when...