Dreaming... it was only a dream.
02 Mar 2016Jubei Himura
March 1, 3302The following is my best recollection of the dream I had last night.
* * * * * *
I sit upon a hill, surrounded by rusted weapons. The air is heavy with humidity and a small warm breeze is blowing through the landscape. This place is familiar and comforting, yet something feels off about it. Every sword that is thrust into the earth is a blade I know. Every firearm is a rifle or a gun that I have shot. Despite all of these facts, there is no scent of blood hanging in the low vapor that blows along the ground.
I feel as though I'm waiting for someone, or something.
"Why do you fight?"
My head darts around to find the source of the soft, feminine voice. I don't find anyone.
"Is it for a person or a leader? A country? Perhaps it is for a superpower?" behind me!
As I twist around as fast as I can, the voice speaks again,
"Or is it for an ideal? Do you fight for God? Do you even believe in a God?" the voice seems to be mocking me.
The mist starts to swirl and gather in front of me, just out of my reach. I can see the vapor condense, as if trying to create a solid form. Slowly, I see limbs form in the mist and then a feminine body made of condensed water. The water bursts from the form of a young woman as she materializes out of the water-body. She looks right at me with a smirk, not at fazed by my angry glare. I know her face from somewhere.
"I simply want to help others avoid suffering." I say, but for some reason it sounds childish.
"Ah, so you fight for the impossible." She turns away, but looks back over her shoulder at me. "You can't help everyone. As well, you know that lashing out causes more suffering."
"Shut up!" I yell as I thrust my palm toward her direction. She dances away as a blast of energy shoots forth and decimates the land as far as the horizon. I pull my hand back in horror, am I capable of this destruction?
"See how you reach out with violence when provoked?"
"How then? How do I stop those who willingly make others suffer?" I drop to my knees in frustration. "How do I defeat these beings that lack morality and reason?"
"You fight them."
I scream in anger and frustration. I'm at the boiling point! I feel as if my body is aflame with energy and I have to let it explode.
"No, that is not the way. You did that before, remember?" she looks at me with a sad expression. "Perhaps you need to fight for yourself for once. Otherwise you will be consumed by your frustration and anger when you see that is more suffering in the galaxy then you can save."
The ghostly young woman fades from my vision as a shadow appears over me. I turn to see a giant figure looming over me, glaring at me with malice and hatred in his eyes
...those terrible red eyes...
* * * * * *
I sit in my pilot's chair, sweat pouring out from me. Those red eyes are etched into my mind, I can feel their gaze burning into me.
Why do I fight? How do I fight? To end suffering? Do I cause suffering? Is it for honour? Duty? Vengeance? Spite? Anger? ...Hatred? Do I hate?
Why is this plaguing me now?
Did I not deal with this all those years ago?