A Lacson Family Christmas, Part 3 - Conclusion
02 Jan 2023Ember Lacson
The following is an abridged transcript of a video call between CMDRs Ember Lacson and Nicole Wolff, dated 2 Jan 3309 01:47 GMT.Hey!
...Hey.
Hope you had a happy new year....
It was okay, I guess. Probably about the same as yours.
So, total shit?
[sigh, eye roll] The worst. I got slobbering drunk for the first time in my life. Still dealing with the hangover. I'm never doing that again.
I was about this close to doing that too. [chuckle]
[apologetic look of pity]
Not funny?
Not really. But right now I could watch standup for hours and never crack a smile, so.... [chuckle] ...or not. I miss you.
I miss you too.
I honestly don't know what to say. I woke up to the worst headache I've ever had in my life, Edward calling me, and my hair a bloody mess. He said you were worrying about me and you missed me, and...I don't remember a whole lot else about the conversation, just me thinking I made a mistake in staying. But it was something I needed to do.
As soon as you were out of SOI, I turned around and just...cursed my mother out. Right in front of everybody. She pushed back, tried to get Dad to defend her, but he said he was on my side.
When you say you cursed her out....
I called her a c*** at least once.
[visible shock] Well that's a word I never thought I'd hear you say.
I'd never said it in front of another person before, and the first person I said it to was my own mother. Can't unring that bell. But she deserved every word of it, especially now that I know what she actually said to you. [eye roll] I read your logbook from last night. I feel so awful for you.
She was drunk. My dad said she was taking it out on me because I remind her of the fact that you're not the person she wanted you to be.
I think that's a good observation. Your parents have been so compassionate to me. They remind me of the reasons I like you.
I actually just published a logbook about the conversation I had with my dad.
Oh, sure enough.... [pause] Actually no, I was going to skim it. But I want you to read it to me.
Sure.
[Ember proceeds to read previous logbook entry]
"Women...are like thargoids...."
He was pretty proud of that one.
[chuckle] I love him so much.
I've been thinking a lot about what he said. Probably not enough, but more than nothing. And he's right. Even if I've cooled off from that night, I need to forgive you. I want to forgive you. I was upset. You were half asleep. I dropped something on you that you weren't prepared to answer, and I never let you finish. So, whatever else you wanted to say that night, I'm ready to listen.
Well, I don't actually remember what I wanted to say. But it would have been a shabby, slapdash kind of...I don't know. I have done a lot of thinking about what I meant. So, if I may....
Please.
When I said Mum wasn't wrong, I meant there was a kernel of truth to what she said. But only just. I do feel a sense of...I don't like the word "obligation," but it's the only one that works. I do feel I owe you for saving my life, but it's...being with you is not something I don't want to do. I genuinely want to be with you. But....
But...? Sorry, I'll stop talking.
The reason I told Mum I didn't have a crush on you when I was younger is I thought I wasn't supposed to. But as you grew up and I kept rebuffing you, I saw your insecurities mount. I never returned your affection because you were this close to having everything I wanted; you were just too weak, for lack of a better word. And I can't help but feel like I was the source of the only thing that made me not attracted to you.
No, that was because I didn't ever learn how to deal with those emotions. You probably didn't help it at all, but I had other issues, not just your rejection.
Then why don't I feel better?
It sounds like you're holding that guilt really close to your heart.
You sound like Erin. She's been giving me free sessions, which is one of the biggest reasons I'm staying.
She kind of helped me with some of my issues, too. No formal stuff, just free advice last time she came out to Azeban City a few years ago. She actually convinced me to buy the Red Manta and fly the proverbial coop. Anyway, continue.
So, yes. I've always felt guilty for rejecting you. I was physically attracted to you, but ashamed to admit it because of my mother. I've always felt like if I had accepted your affection, you would have become the man I wanted you to be. And it hurt to see you so miserable for all those years. I actually thought you left to become a pilot because you'd had it with the "friend zone." But whenever we met up after that, you seemed...so much happier, and you seemed not to have any hard feelings. I felt like we were getting better. But then the opal rush happened, you made Elite, and you just...disappeared. I was heartbroken when you left Dahan for Shinrarta Dezhra, because I knew I couldn't visit you unless I made Elite too. When you fronted the money for the Squall Eater, I felt like it might be a sign that you wanted me to follow you, but...but I was too scared.
I thought of it as a kind gesture for a good friend. But if you had followed me...actually, you did, didn't you?
[nod] Eventually. Catherine Ayala actually stumbled across your first logbook where you mentioned me, and part of me was happy you were still thinking about me. But I still saw that insecurity that I always disliked. Then you messaged me, and...it was just like it used to be when we were kids. I was confused, so I decided to test you.
That's when you hopped on that Beluga.
Mm-hmm. You were so proud of your accomplishments, your fleet, your knowledge...it made the idea of dating you interesting for the first time. But I had to see you under pressure. I had to give myself a hell of a pep talk to get myself to fly out and go xeno hunting. I think I already mentioned, but while I was sitting there screaming my lungs out and watching you go into protection mode...God, I've never been more [attracted to you] in my life.
Should I take that off the record?
Oh, are you recording this? Probably better to do so.
I was just going to post a transcript, if you're cool with that.
Yeah, that's fine. It would be better not to leave your readers in suspense.
Anyway, that day proved to me that you had the potential to be everything I'd ever wanted in a man. And then again when the Proteus Wave fired and I got the concussion—you knew exactly what to do. You had a sense of urgency, but you didn't fold. And you saved my life again. There was no way I was going to reject you again after that. And everything was wonderful until my mother opened her damned mouth. Well, so I thought. Edward sort of opened my eyes to some of the stuff you've been dealing with when he called earlier.
I haven't really talked about this with him. He reads the logbooks, but that's pretty much it. I told him I missed you, but I didn't elaborate.
He's pretty sharp, pretty perceptive. To explain it all he told me a parable. He said, imagine you wanted to be a novelist and your dream was to have a specific publishing house pick up your novel. You spend so much time polishing it, even tailor making it to the requirements of that house, but they reject you again and again, no matter your revisions, no matter how closely you follow their feedback. Eventually you give up and look elsewhere, but nobody wants to pick up your novel. Then one day, you drop into a distress beacon and find an escape pod. You pick it up, take it to the nearest station, and when Search and Rescue cracks it open, it's the CEO of that publishing house. Next thing you know, not only is that house interested in your novel, but they want to publish it as-is, and instead of offering you a dollar amount they ask you what you want for your advance. You put out an absurd number to test them, and they say, "Deal." You feel proud for a time and enjoy your success, but there’s always that sneaking suspicion underneath that you didn’t actually earn it. Then someone you know and trust tells you in a jealous, drunken rant that the only reason they picked you up was you saved the CEO's life. You call him up, and when you ask him, he says, "Well, she's not wrong." I said, "Holy shit, that's me, isn't it?" And then I felt like a total shit-heel. [sigh]
It's okay. I forgive you. I really want to make this work.
So do I. But neither one of us is in a healthy position to make that happen. You know it deep down. Erin says we're in a co-dependent relationship. I depend on you for emotional validation, and you depend on me for emotional security. To fix that we both need to do some work. So, here's the plan. I will stay here until the morning of the eighth. Then Rogier will bring me back to the Morningstar along with a pallet of goodies for the crew (wine, cheese, et cetera). I will stay through the fifteenth of February, but after that...I'm leaving. We're not breaking up, but we won't be...together for some time.
Back to Dromi?
[nod] Back to Dromi. Nobody is ever going to say ever again that you're holding me back. And the sad truth is you are. You don't mean to; I'm the one who enables it. But if I don't stop worrying about our relationship, if I don't stop clinging to you, I will never become a pilot. It is time.
Do you have a game plan?
Like, when I might return?
I mean yeah, but...what are your goals? For you. Not for us. You wanted to become an AX pilot, so do you have a plan to get there?
Yes. My goal is to go hard into bounty hunting right off the line. Once I lose my Zone permit I want to head out on an exobiology and exploration expedition, probably a couple hundred light years to get some cash before I get into a Viper. I also want to get into a Courier, because your beloved Aliette [redacted].
[laugh] Oh my God, that came out of left field!
What? She's the most beautiful ship I've ever seen. Don't tell me you don't share my opinion, you dirty boy.
No, I totally understand. And I'm definitely not including that in the transcript. Got a plan to get that rank?
Ngalinn and Mainani, same way you did. But I suppose the Thargoids will eventually make their way back into Imperial space and start attacking stations, and I've heard the superpowers are pretty generous with rank for rescue work.
Mm-hmm. You can probably do data runs until you get your Courier, then do pax for the rest.
We're on the same page, then. So, my plan to return to the Morningstar is once I get an Asp Explorer and a rapport with Felicity Farseer. We'll have a grand reunion. But I have to do it before the seventeenth of August.
Why, what's that?
The anniversary of my uncle's death. I want to visit his memorial with you.
Wait, you had an uncle? You've never mentioned him.
Mum never talked about him. Not even with Dad. But he's the reason she looks down on you as a pilot and especially doesn't want me to become a bounty hunter or AX pilot. I'll tell you more off the record.
Okay. I think that's a pretty good stopping point for the post anyway.
The rest of the call has been removed from the transcript, with the exception of the last lines.
I'm really glad we talked. I'm in a much better place now.
Me too.
I love you. I'll see you in a week.
And I love you. [CMDR Wolff kisses the camera before terminating the connection]