A retrospective on my role in this war
25 May 2024Ember Lacson
Almost two years ago I began recording my thoughts on the Thargoid war. I began fighting the alien monsters responsible for the deaths of countless humans with their intermittent attacks in our space, including the attack against Dahan Gateway, one of my home stations. I lost people I cared about. I was angry. It was lucrative. Something didn't sit right with me about Azimuth, about Salvation. I was right. Still, I don't regret my actions in HIP 22460. Neither does Nicole. And while Paz a Todos, the Thargoid entity that spoke through Nicole for a time, does wish none of it had happened, if Nicole and I hadn't been there, we would never had gotten acquainted with her. We now know that the visions Paz gave Nicole, as well as those Paz's allies gave to others, were instrumental in the rescue of so many humans from Thargoid captivity, as well as the speed of development for the nanite torpedoes, the SCO drive, the Thargoid Pulse Neutralizers, and so many other advancements. Humankind will never admit it, but it's absolutely the case.I was unable to attack Titan Taranis due to my..."captivity" is a dirty word, but it's the best way to describe it...with Aegis. I will forever be disappointed that I won't have a full set of marks from the Pilots Federation. But I have contributed to the destruction of every other Titan since. I remember asking Paz whether I should. I remember she said, "Yes. Humankind will go extinct if the Titans are not destroyed." There was so much resignation in her voice. I almost didn't want to. But she still had enough of a connection to me to sense my emotions, and she made it very clear that she wasn't just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. So, I attacked Leigong almost with a crusader's mindset. I couldn't afford the Sirius missile racks in such short notice, but I did a considerable amount of damage to it. I contributed to the final heart's destruction, in fact. I was there when it melted down the following day.
But then the fervor faded. I wanted to be back with Nicole. So went back. I missed her dearly, and there was some time when Paz didn't give me much time to speak with her. There was a time when it was impossible to know whether Paz or Nicole was in charge for the day. Now that Paz has withdrawn almost entirely, I feel like I need to catch up for lost time.
I've done some bounty hunting. I've built a new Titan bomber, the Heracross (yes, named for the Pokémon). But the joys of flying are inferior to the fulfillment I get from sitting on a couch, holding Nicole close, and reading together or watching movies or whatever. Attacking Oya and Hadad were almost like chores for me. I got my bonds and got out so that I could get back to the Morningstar. Back to Nicole.
I'm not going to retire as a pilot, and neither is Nicole. Still, carrier upkeep is expensive, and occasional bounty hunting and bare-minimum Titan bombing aren't good long term investments. I could be out there at Hadad right now massacring the fleeing Thargoids for massive piles of credits. But something about that didn't sit right. So, I asked Nicole if there was any way I could get Paz's wisdom. She nodded, and like a switch flipped, there she was. The was happy to see me. She asked me how things were going with the war effort, because she was out of the loop due to her outsider status. I told her about Leigong, Oya, and Hadad, and she seemed pleased to know that we were succeeding in pushing the Titans and their accompanying forces back. Then I asked her about the fleeing Thargoids, the Orthruses in particular. I told her I felt bad about the prospect of attacking them as they retreated—something many would consider a war crime. She touched my face and called me a good man. She said the consciences of people like me were the reason she reached out in the first place. She said she felt vindicated in her decision to save us in HIP 22460. I told her that I wasn't alone in this feeling, that other CMDRs were encouraging one another to let the fleeing ships go, and she smiled. It was a strange, fake smile, but I could tell her relief was genuine.
"Let them return to our leaders and report that at least some humans are merciful," she said. "I cannot express my thanks in person, to please accept this." And then she kissed me. It was on the cheek, but it was still a deeply intimate gesture that made me a bit uncomfortable. When Paz said goodbye and Nicole regained control, she wondered why I looked so conflicted, so I told her. She looked vexed for a moment and explained that Paz patterned her behavior off her time in Nicole's head. She didn't know any other way to express that gratitude. But she had felt for some time that Paz had "feelings" for me. And part of her was worried that I had caught "feelings" for Paz after spending so much time with her.
And at this point, I don't even know. I'm confused, and understandably so. For all either of us is concerned, Paz is a part of Nicole now, as much as Nicole is a part of Paz's collective consciousness. Some of the psychologists at Aegis have even speculated that Paz withdrew entirely from Nicole some time ago, leaving behind an autonomous alter identity that exists entirely in Nicole's mind. She now fits many of the markers of DID, and neither one of us knows how to process it. Even the Aegis psychologists disagree about it, so I don't know what to think. But if you ask me what I really think, it's that Paz and Nicole are inextricably connected now. We're probably going to have to deal with that when we eventually get married and pursue kids. But until the final Titan meets its end and we see what the next stage of this war is, I will continue as I always have.
I will fight the Titans. I will collect samples. I will do research. I will show mercy to the fleeing Thargoids. And I will treasure my time with Nicole.