LOG #063 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
28 Sep 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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LOG: #063
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: Paladin (Krait Phantom, PN-03X)
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Hey... I've had a lot to think about since my last log - been constantly in and out of remote briefings and security discussions... Ughhh... Bores the hell out of me, but it's necessary.
So I kind of wanted to just talk, y'know? It's hard having to wake up everyday and potentially make a decision that could affect everyone, so I just want to... talk about it. It just makes it a bit easier for me. So... here goes... Uh... right, so, since my last log, I've been hanging out in the bubble at a pretty peaceful station in LHS 2429. Call me paranoid, but I've rarely left my ship, unless it's for something that isn't processed food or water...
So anyway, every day, I'll wake up... do my thing... until we have a remote briefing, where we then just talk about squadron stuff, the usual. Recently, we're focused on the investigation our Commanders are handling, and Jaiden informs us occasionally of the info they find. This time, they found... well... found some pretty important information, and it basically seems like we're playing a decision game again. This 'AC' guy wants us to make one of five decisions, and all of them have an unknown consequence. The first is; they'll release Tori and... well, let her back to the Solaris... but... as much as I...
... as much as I really want to... encourage Jaiden to push that decision... it just seems like it has a huge catch... So they shut down that idea quickly in the briefings... saying I need to think of the bigger picture... and yeah, I get that, and I will... But... God, I hope she's okay. Moving on...
The second decision is that they shut down GRID, our security network... That was a hard no for the operations crew, and I agree... too big of a risk. The third option is demanding we abandon the carrier - and I shouldn't have to really explain how absurd that option is. The fourth option is... that I get handed over to Hivemind, along with Commander Alexis Bright... the same person who saved me when I almost got stabbed to death. I never got to say thank you to them face-to-face. The last decision is... well, choosing to not actually make a decision.
Naturally... the Commanders who are deciding this have narrowed it down to option four - handing Alexis and I over to Hivemind with the hopes that we can negotiate or figure something out after they take us in. The decision's still up in the air, but... the chances are good that it'll be the one we settle on... And I'm all for it, I've not done this kind of thing in practise before but... how hard could it be, right?
I'm joking. Truth is, I'm scared... but who wouldn't be? Don't get me wrong, I'm prepared to do it, but I'm more scared about what we'll actually find... Like if they have Tori there and...
Mh... Sorry. Saying it out loud makes it worse... You can take a wild guess as to how I feel right now... so... before any decision is actually made... I... went out for a little trip, just to calm down... Exploration is surprisingly therapeutic, and the Paladin is so fast I made it out something like... two thousand light-years through uninhabited systems... and I can easily make it back by tomorrow. It's beautiful down here.
Yeah... 'down'... I always go below the galactic plane. I love how the sky looks. I just wish Tori was here to enjoy it with m-... f...
... [#$@!]... C-... come on. Why do I do this to myself? I'm sorry... I should... get it together, yeah. Not really a good attitude to have if I'm going to go infiltrate some terrorist group with someone... I'm alright. Promise. We can do it, I have the confidence... but I'm just... overwhelmed, y'know? She's been gone for almost two weeks. And every time I think of what might've happened to her... it's just so messed up. She doesn't deserve to be dragged into this.
I'm the one they want... so that's why I want to go... But the decision needs to be made, I guess... and I can't make it. AC essentially demanded that no investigative staff or security attempt to help directly with the investigation - only assist the decision making process... so... I guess that includes me even if I am a Commander.
So I suppose this is my plea to let me get out there... and do something about this. I swore to protect the squadron... and I'll damn well do it - as cliché as that sounds. I can't lose this. I really can't... I...
... W-... Whew...
Uhm...
I am... really hitting all the wrong emotional strings right now...
It kind of reminds me of when I ran away from home... I almost feel the same way. I still love my parents - even if they essentially hate me for what I did. And it just breaks my heart that... they feel like that... but when I met Tori, and we became friends... I realised she was the only person I could really confide in. Someone who actually felt like family, I guess. And then when I became Squadron Commander it... everything changed. And now the squadron is my family... I have people who actually support me. Who trust me... Just... people who make me feel like I [#$@!]ing belong.
And Hivemind... these [#$@!]ing Far God fanatics want to take that from me. That's why I have to do this... seriously, I... I can't watch... my... my home... suffer because of them anymore... I try keep how I feel inside, but I'm so... so done trying to hide it.
...
[#$@!]... guess who's crying themselves to sleep tonight. But, seriously I... it gets hard to control my emotions... sometimes, so I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't share this with you... but... if I have to irritate you all again and again over how much I love my position... how much you all mean to me... then so be it. I've never felt this strongly about something, but it's absolutely the right way to feel...
Anyway... I'll probably look back at this log tomorrow and think of what an idiot I am... but whatever... it's... how I feel... talking about it helps me feel better, clears my head... and I don't hear any complaints either so, win-win! But... jokes aside, I really believe I need to do this. And on the plus side, I can finally thank Alexis for saving me - properly. And then we can go raid some terrorist stronghold or whatever... That last part is a joke, obviously...
So, yeah... please consider voting in favor of this... I know, I know, I shouldn't sway your decision but... just consider it, please? Thanks...
Okay, I need to... kind of recover from that emotional rollercoaster in my head, so I'm going to get some sleep. I hope you get it. Thanks.
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Credit:
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