LOG #067 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
04 Oct 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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LOG: #067
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
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Hey... So... you probably know by now that the meeting didn't go great... and... uh... I went back and publicised my other two logs when I got back to the carrier... They've got... 'personal' stuff in it, I guess, but I've already recorded them... and I can't be bothered to go through it all again. And besides, I don't think much of what happened is a secret anymore.
Drake took us back to the carrier... but he left as quick as he picked us up... Essentially just docked, told us to get out, and left before security could screen him. They logged his ship and asked me if I wanted them to follow... but I said no. He said he would contact me again when stuff cooled off, so there's no point chasing after him... Probably would just go into hiding or something. Anyway, uh... I said I would get a message back to the squadron - and I did not too long after I mentioned it... so now, the squadron is aware the meeting was a total screw-up and now CSF wants to kind of start a war with Hivemind.
I'm so... so tired... Drake did a good job of patching me up, so I haven't really mentioned to anyone that I got shot. They wanted to have a medical team check me out, but I said I was fine... though that just makes me feel like I'm lying... because I'm really not fine. When Alexis and I got back to the carrier, I was kind of forced into a debriefing, so I told Alexis she could go to my quarters, and I gave her my access code...
Not a big deal, I don't really have any super-personal stuff in my quarters, and I'll change the code later anyway when I give her auth - more on that later, I guess... The debrief basically covered what CSF would be doing... what measures we would be taking... the usual, but I just couldn't focus. I zoned out... stopped paying attention, and I didn't even bother to not make it obvious... so naturally someone called me out... Griffin, our joint ops leader... He was the one discussing the plan, and when he saw I wasn't really taking note, he blurted out "do you even care about this?"...
... and so I asked if anyone cared about me... It was kind of rhetorical but... seriously, when we got back to the carrier, there were only a few guards waiting for our arrival... I haven't received any messages from anyone, asking if I'm okay. I just have to [#$@!]ing internalise how I feel because "I'm the squadron commander". Nobody needs to care or know about how I feel, I just have to make decisions that will affect [#$@!]ing everyone. And then I get dragged into a debrief and someone has the audacity to ask if I care.
Of course I [#$@!]ing care, but I didn't know it would be like this... I didn't... know that I would have all this on my plate at once and... yeah... so I guess you could say he set me off on a rant. And for... I don't even know how long... five or ten minutes I just... Told them everything. How I just don't know who I am anymore... how I have so much on my mind but no way to deal with it... that I am so scared of making the wrong decision and messing everything up... and that I have to wake up every day and just somehow keep it in.
Fighting back tears while telling them all that was the hardest thing I've ever done but... they needed to [#$@!]ing know... I can't hold it in anymore. It's... too much. I thought recording the logs would help me talk about it but... I don't know. It didn't... or at least not enough. So, at the end of my rant... Avery was crying and the whole briefing room had this solemn atmosphere... I half-expected to be called unstable or unfit for the position by someone but... Jaiden just said that he was sorry and suggested that I consider seeing a therapist... but I'm [#$@!]ing sick of that too... I've been down that route before with Obi, and it never helped... so I just told them I need some time to deal with it... and I asked if they could adjourn the debriefing so I could just go to my quarters.
I've never felt so conflicted in my life... and I regret having to open up to them in that way... I didn't mean to... tell them so much. How did Quinton do this? It's so... difficult...
Anyway... the... uh... the real reason I went back to my quarters is because I hoped I could talk to Alexis about... things... so I walked back to my quarters, and found her just sitting on my bed. I've been thinking about the... uh... kiss... we had... yesterday... and the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I was... just trying to come up with excuses... to try convince myself that it was an accident, that I was just feeling the effects of all the stress, or that I just felt this way because she saved me... but that just didn't hold up the more I went over it... so I... straight-up asked her why she kissed me.
And... she paused a little... said she was... inspired by me since she joined... and when I went to comfort her in that room she just... went for it? So I kind of followed up... asking if it meant anything... and she said it did, to her... but asked if I thought it meant anything - or maybe if she shouldn't have done it in the first place... and... I... I didn't know what to say, honestly. I... didn't... really know how I felt myself, if that makes sense. I've... never been close to anyone for a long time...
I lost that when I left my family... about four or so years I never even bothered trying to... make relationships... or even try connect with my family again... I just kept to myself... But joining the squadron... meeting everyone... then suddenly becoming the leader of it all... I don't know if it's messing up my judgement... it's scary and... even overwhelming at times... but meeting Tori and Alexis made me feel like it all meant something, right? So... against my better instinct, I'm still going to publicise this log. I... shouldn't really be shouting out to the world all my issues but... I don't know...
And on that note... I should probably mention that I'm still worried for Tori... I didn't forget about her... it's just... I don't know where to start. She could be anywhere and... that doesn't narrow it down. So... as much as it's killing me inside, I can just cross my fingers and hope she's okay. I'll think about asking Alexis if she'd be willing to help me dig but... she said something about maybe taking me bounty-hunting and... I dunno.
Sounds like a 'date' to be honest... but blowing up ships doesn't sound like the greatest date idea to me. I've never actually done any ship combat and... I'm trying to... figure myself out right now but... maybe it'd be a good opportunity to learn. And, with that mentioned, I had CSF transfer two of their lesser-used ships to me. A Corvette and Gunship. Might as well be prepared...
Apparently, both actually need a Federal Navy rank to purchase but... since I technically didn't buy them and I'm just having them transferred into my possession... I guess that works? Oh, and the Gunship... it's actually the same ship I flew, back when the Captain who was helping me with my training offered to take me out on a proper flight... So I guess it's almost nostalgic to have it under my ownership now, but... I mean, it hasn't been that long... Damn... time is flying.
Anyway... uhh... I'm going to head back to my quarters and get some rest. I need... time to think about things. Part of me doesn't know if... this is still me, y'know? Or if I'm just... trying to find ways to deal with all the stress. I guess it's a bit of everything... dunno... whatever...
Sorry about sharing so much... but... now you know at least... So yeah. I should go to bed now... so... uh... thanks, I guess... See you some other time.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDR Alexis Bright for allowing me to use their character in the story!
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