LOG #068 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
06 Oct 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
INITIATING ENCRYPTED CONNECTION. . .LOGIN USER: tconscmdr3283aa3307top
LOGIN PASS: •••••••••••••••••••••••••
W e l c o m e U s er
- - IDENTIFICATION SCAN SUCCESSFUL - -
Initiating voice-recording...
AUDIO RESYNTH: ON
LOG: #068
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
====================RECORDING START====================
Hey.
So... uh... I think... I might've made a mistake. Last night... things got... a little... 'touchy'... between me and Alexis, and I just... kind of let it happen, I guess. It didn't go very far... we still had clothes on and... stuff. But... I don't know. This is so hard to... [#$@!]ing process...
I woke up today in a bit of a panic, when I realized she was still in... uh... in bed with me... and... with what happened last night, it kind of just... clicked in my head. I've only known her for... something like five days... if we don't include the time she saved me when I almost bled out... and... [#$@!]... I don't know why we kissed... it was just... a dumb decision on my part. The point is I don't actually think I have feelings for her... not... romantic ones, at least. I... really appreciate her saving me that time and... I guess that kind of contributed to the issue but... [#$@!], what have I done? I shouldn't have just... let that happen.
Me waking up also... woke her up and... she... asked if I was alright... and I just nodded. Couldn't even look her in the eye. I didn't... know how to explain it. I felt like I opened up to her... gave her the impression that I was interested in her... and... and I do like her, she saved me after all... I just... just not like this. So, I tried to play it off and got out of bed but... she kept pushing and asking what was wrong... and I didn't know what to say... felt like I'd kind of dug the hole too deep, I guess. So... since I wasn't giving her any answer... she eventually grabbed me while I was getting out of bed... went in for a kiss... and so I pushed her back a little. Asked her to stop...
First she... looked confused... but then she got upset. I don't blame her but... [#$@!], there was a better way to handle this, and I [#$@!]ed it up as usual. It's not fair to... string her along like this. I tried to recover and say it was all my fault, not hers, and that I needed some time to think about what to say... but she cut me off and asked me what was going on. She asked me what was going on... what was making me change my mind about things... and... I just... [#$@!]... I didn't have a good answer. Why did I change my mind suddenly? If I felt this way from the beginning, why didn't I realize it and tell her to stop before it went too far? Why'd I have to lead her on like an idiot?
So, I told her I didn't know... but I wanted to... still hang out with her as a friend. And that I didn't want her to leave or feel bad because of me... but she said she... well... had to go... for that contract... and that we'd maybe talk about it some other time. And... call me clingy but... I dunno, I guess I was scared that if she left now... that all of this would make a rift between us. So I asked if I could come with and maybe we could talk about things while on the mission.
Thankfully, she hesitantly agreed, so I grabbed the Orpheus - that Gunship I had transferred to me - and we went out to the system Alexis' contract was in. She grabbed her Alliance Chieftain - apparently Commander Novus gifted it to her. I asked her how that came about but... uh, she didn't really bother to elaborate too much... and the last thing I wanted to do was push questions, so...
Anyway, uh... she met with her contact while I waited in my ship... I did a once-over of the weapons systems, did some diagnostic checks... and before I knew it she was back and ready to go. So, obviously I warned her that I've never fought in a ship before... but she kinda reassured me that it'd be fine - the "perfect target practice", she said... Not sure how to feel about that, but it's whatever...
So, the contract was a simple mission to escort a miner group in an asteroid belt... Really not much else to it, other than the fact that they'd be mining in a popular zone, so pirates were almost a guarantee. So... we just had to make sure they were safe. It was relatively peaceful an hour or so into the excursion, but it wasn't too long after that there was suddenly weapons fire blasting throughout the ring, targeting the miners and us... the escort.
I've never been in proper ship combat before, so... it was intense. Maybe even a little scary, but... long story short, we made quick work of the pirates. Guess they weren't expecting a fully-armed escort, so... Yeah. It wasn't too bad... other than Alexis going a bit over-the-top with the whole... 'pirate killing'... but, while I might not support her disabling a pirate ship and destroying them last after we wiped out the rest of their wing... I guess I can't fault her too much. They are pirates anyway... and knowing that each bounty voucher's value had some... awful crime behind it... that gave us a reason, I guess.
Anyway... after we took out the pirates it was... uhm... relatively uneventful, I guess... we started to speak a bit... and this entire time I'd been thinking of what to say, so when I finally got the words together I... kind of hit her with it. Said I was sorry and I didn't mean to mislead her... that I just wanted... something to feel, again...
And I knew those were all dumb excuses... so in the end I could only apologize for [#$@!]ing up... and leading her on. She took it alright at least. We might've had a bit of a rough ride but... I'm glad I got to meet her. She's a bit feisty and... uh... 'eccentric' sometimes... but she... acts differently when she's with me. Like... she lets her guard down... and I can see it...
So... The last thing I want to do is ruin that... so I told her that, in the end, this wouldn't change anything... that she's welcome to use my quarters if she needs to... since she doesn't have a place of her own right now...
So yeah... in hindsight, I'm an idiot... and I almost messed up the only [#$@!]ing relationship I had... but... I think I've recovered that... and finally come to terms with how I feel... I... I don't want to jump to conclusions too quickly, but I feel like I'm back in control... Like I can breathe, I guess.
I'm just looking forward to... building this up again... trying to reintegrate into having normal relationships and... friends... Yeah. That'd be nice...
Maybe what I did wasn't too big of a mistake in the end. I guess it all has a way of working out... thankfully. Anyway... it's late now... I went back to the carrier early, since Alexis is still tying up stuff with her contact. So... it's probably time to hit the hay. And hopefully this clears my head so I can give some other stuff some thought...
Thanks... Talk to you soon.
====================RECORDING END====================
Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDR Alexis Bright for allowing me to use their character in the story!
INARA page here.