LOG #070 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
11 Oct 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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Initiating voice-recording...
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LOG: #070
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
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Hey... It's me... Sorry I haven't recorded much. These last few days have been... uh... kind of... awful... I guess... and after I burnt that bridge with Drake, I've been tied up in... countless meetings and... squadron stuff... ugh...
Since my... uh... 'breakdown'... a few briefings back, I mostly just... keep quiet now, and wait until they need me to make a decision or say something. So... we've reached a point that they get so into the briefing that they forget I'm even standing there... like the briefing two days ago, where a CSF officer just happened to forget I was standing out of his view to the side... and he said "with all due respect, Aurora needs to get her [#$@!] together, [#$@!]ing move aside and let CSF handle this". In hindsight it's... kinda funny... not what he said, but the ensuing reaction...
Jaiden basically laughed in his face... called him a [#$@!]ing idiot and told him I was standing right there. When he realised that... I half thought he was about to drop dead right on the spot. Started to spout apologies and... hide his face... and the room fell silent, and everyone stared at me. I guess they all were expecting me to fire him on the spot but... I just stood there and... didn't feel anything. Just stared at him.... until he eventually got asked to leave the briefing room...
Maybe I should've retorted... but... I dunno... Just makes me angry. Every briefing I'm involved in, I serve a tiny part... either just making a decision for the operations crew or standing there for [#$@!]ing moral support. What I say doesn't actually matter... the operations crew make a decision anyway, eventually. So... is this how Quinton did it? Just go off and do his own thing while they make all the calls? Ugh...
And that lets me get to yesterday... God... yesterday was the worst. So... I got dragged into a sudden briefing in the afternoon... and they told me they had received a distress signal that was likely from Tori... Yeah... My heart stopped and I was... kind of shocked by the news. So I asked them if they sent out a search party already, and they said no... That probably made me way too angry, but I kept my cool and asked why.
Turns out CSF received the distress signal but never reported it. Just brushed it off as an anomaly... or at least that's what was thought initially. More on that later... so anyway, Griffin, our joint ops leader, suddenly countered that there was no way to determine if the distress signal was a trap or not, so he didn't want to risk a CSF team. I... might've demanded that he send out a rescue team immediately... and that started a whole long argument... Mostly him versus the rest of the operations crew... Why CSF didn't report it, and so forth...
Eventually he budged and ordered a team sent out... and it was later I found out that they had actually found Tori, and BLUSTAR had brought her back aboard the carrier... So naturally, I wanted to see her, but they said I couldn't right now. I kind of expected that, to be honest, but... I was mad anyway... so I told them they were to tell me when she woke up. And then... I... myself... called a briefing... Had all the operations crew gather so I could say my say...
So I went on a bit of a tangent... saying that if we were just a little bit too late or never checked it out, Tori might've died... and so on... and then Griffin... literally [#$@!]ing said that "I needed to stop letting my personal issues compromise CSF security"... by drawing away assets and all that. So I snapped... asked him why he keeps questioning my authority... why no one in this room - except a few - actually show me respect... Avery told me to calm down and that it was just a... misunderstanding... but I... kinda told her to shut up... and uh... that was my mistake but... it was too late to come back from that.
So yeah... then I had a full-blown argument with Griffin. He said "I was nothing like Quinton and hardly had the experience and backbone" for an operation like this... and I said he was completely right. That I just got thrown into the deep-end and had to deal with all this unexpectedly... that I didn't [#$@!]ing ask to be put in charge. So I countered... asking him if he understood how hard it was for me... that I'd almost been killed twice, that I now have to protect the entire squadron... and... uhm... I can't... remember what else I said... it was just in the moment...
If it wasn't for the fact that my voice broke and forced me to take a breather, I probably wouldn't have stopped... but thankfully it gave me some time to breathe and some time for the words to settle in for him. [#$@!]... I'm not... really an angry person... I try keep to myself and just... keep things peaceful but... I was shaking... so badly... just out of anger. I legitimately wanted to punch him but... that's not right... even if he was being kind of an asshole. At least he stopped as well, and just stared at the briefing table. And then... he even apologised.
Said he overstepped and... he wouldn't take it personally if I fired him right now. That was a relief... uhh... not the... "you can fire me" part... but him apologising for once. That kind of made me calm down and... well... all the emotions rushed back... realising that Tori was safe and... y'know... and that made me almost start crying, but... yeah. I'm such a softie, ugh... anyway I... told him I wasn't going to fire him, but he was to leave the briefing room immediately. And he did... which gave me a chance to say sorry to Avery... for telling her to shut up.
But then I realised she... was smiling. Actually, most of the operations crew were... so naturally I asked what was going on. And Jaiden just said... "you're getting a hang of this". And he was right... I... actually stood my ground again. For the second time... I actually took... uh... 'control'... I guess. Reaffirmed myself. It felt... good... though I hate having to use... 'force'... but hopefully it's temporary and I don't have to do it again. After the briefing 'ended'... I... kind of timidly just asked if I could go see Tori. Not that I needed permission but... I guess it was partially a request to see if someone would come with me.
And Jaiden... might've picked up on it, I guess? He said he'd take me there, so we left the briefing room and headed to the carrier's medbay. And... when we got there and... 'signed in', they led us to a room. I was about to burst through the door but... Jaiden quickly grabbed my arm and said he needed to tell me something in secret. So... that was a little weird, because he could've told me in the briefing room, but I said sure... So he walked around the corner in a fairly secluded part of the medbay and... told me that he thinks CSF hid the communications anomaly intentionally.
He... implied... that they knew what was in the message... and essentially didn't want to rescue Tori. Either because it was deemed a waste of resources or... something else. That would explain why Griffin put up such a fight trying to get CSF to send a search team. He also told me that... if Tori was awake... he needed to interrogate her immediately, before CSF could do anything... So I said fine. Didn't make me too happy but... it's necessary, I guess.
But this just added yet another worry on my already-massive list. Why did CSF hide this? And... is it just Griffin and a few other officers pulling the strings, or did Lucas authorize it too? I dunno... he's been too busy with managing CSF, so he hasn't been in briefings. Couldn't even ask him if I wanted to. But I... put those worries aside for a bit, and... I just wanted to see Tori. She's been gone for almost a month with no trail...
So I asked Jaiden just to give me a few minutes... and I walked into Tori's room. Found her awake, looking at the ceiling... strapped down to the medical bed. And yeah... you can guess the rest. I walked over... asked if she was okay... held her hand. She seemed... responsive but... something was just... off... I guess. She had a bruise on the right side of her face, by her eye... almost like me when I got hit in the face by that merc... and she seemed... drowsy, I guess. Probably the medicine but... even her responses were weird. Something just didn't feel right...
I sat there for a few minutes before Jaiden walked in and... well, that was my queue to leave... so I did. I felt kind of empty inside, though... Like... I feel like that whole interaction should've meant more, y'know? She was gone for a month... and I keep saying she's my best friend... but like I said, it felt off... Ugh... I dunno...
Damn... and that was all yesterday's events... I haven't really even covered today, though there's not too much to talk about... other than the fact that I haven't seen Alexis since... the... uh... the thing. She said she was "tying things up with her contact"... and then nothing since. I've sent her messages and... ugh... what if she's ignoring me? Or... something happened... [#$@!]... Did I [#$@!] things up between us by doing what I did?
You don't just... y'know... act like you have interest in someone and then... just... walk away suddenly...
Mm, damnit... yep... I totally [#$@!]ed it up... Well... [#$@!]... Balancing... work and life is... hard... especially when both exist in the same space... So I guess I should've tried to give this more attention... uhm... give... her... more attention. Ugh... I really need to fix things... this is becoming way too much.
Anyway, uhh... I have some stuff to do today... basically just a little bit of inspiration to continue bounty-hunting and... practice combat... after the mission I did with Alexis, so... I guess that's me for now.
I'll try not leave such a big gap next time but... no promises... Thanks. Catch you some other time.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDR Alexis Bright for allowing me to use their character in the story!
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