LOG #075 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
21 Oct 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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LOG: #075
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
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Hey. So... I uh... wanted to talk about the dinner I had with Tori and Alexis two nights ago, on the 19th...
It was... uhm... nice... though we had a bit of a... 'thing', I guess you could say. So... I'll start at the beginning. We went to Jakes Enterprise in Ross 878, a high-tech station... thought it was fancy enough to have dinner at and relax. So... we got there, started chatting before we even got to our table. Tori and Alexis were getting along quite well, already talking and sharing their stories... I enjoyed listening to them talk. It was nice to see them get along... Tori seemed to be in higher spirits too.
And eventually Tori and I started talking about squadron events... what I've been up to... and so forth. In hindsight, I should've realised that we were kind of leaving Alexis out, after we just started going on and on without including her... but like an idiot, I just kept talking without consideration... Feels awful but... well, eventually Alexis kind of inserted herself when we got to talking about Hivemind... and she started saying how she was glad I survived getting shot... twice, now... and how she was worried she'd lose me and... how she appreciated me...
... which led into her suddenly saying she had real feelings for me. I kind of stared at her, before this overwhelming feeling of embarrassment and... a bit of frustration just washed over me, remembering what we discussed... why I broke it off and just wanted to stay friends... But this kind of complicated things, because she still... wanted that, I guess... and deep down part of me knew that, but I just wanted to... keep things how they were.
But, of course... I wouldn't say that. I just wanted to sink into my chair and hide my face. She was dead quiet and Tori looked... almost surprised... and the silence was killing me... Up until the point where Tori said like... "oh wow", like she realised something important. Then she said... well... asked... how long we've been together. God, I wanted to die inside... I kind of tried to ask her to stop... but she went on, saying how it sounded like we'd been hanging out for a while... and that it seems like we were more than friends.
... My heart kind of sank. I realised how far this situation had gone... that I might have really [#$@!]ed up, bad enough that even Tori thought we were together. I was so... so embarrassed, I wanted to [#$@!]ing jump into a hole and just bury myself... Ugh... Bit extreme, maybe... but yeah. Alexis realised I wasn't going to say anything, so she just went ahead and started to explain it...
How she felt attracted to me, when we met the few times... how she kissed me when we were literally in the custody of Hivemind. But... It just felt wrong. Like, I didn't mean to go that far with her. I should've told her sooner but... yeah. Then Tori kind of asked what happened, but she left the question vague enough that it gave me an opportunity to try dodge it, by explaining how we got taken captive and all that...
But no, she wanted to know if we were a thing or not still... So, I guess it was my turn to explain... How I [#$@!]ed up and got scared... got cold-feet because I was scared to talk to her about it. Tori kept pushing, and pushing... asking me to talk about it some more. I really didn't want to... but maybe this was the time to get this out there.
So I said what I said before... that I was scared that I was just making an impulsive decision because emotions and... stress were high when we were stuck in that Hivemind base... that I strung Alexis along when I didn't truly know how I felt... and then I got worried that I'd [#$@!] up our relationship as friends, so that's why I asked her to stay...
Alexis said she didn't know where to go from there either... and then it went awkwardly quiet once again. Tori kept pushing, and pushing... but I started to feel like I betrayed Alexis by not talking to her about this... and... it made me a little angry, so I snapped at Tori to stop. She seemed a bit taken aback but... thankfully it didn't ruin the mood, and we all kind of calmed down and started talking about other stuff. Which was nice... but I kept thinking about Alexis in the back of my mind... thinking of what I could say and... yeah...
So after dinner, we went back to the Solaris... took my Phantom - which I had repainted and renamed, by the way. Called it the Templar... and it's got a nice, sleek white paintjob now. I really like it but... uhm, anyway, sorry... unrelated topic. We got back to the Solaris, dropped off Tori... and then I went with Alexis to my quarters... It was quiet, up until we got there... I stopped at the door and... kind of prepared myself, asked her if she wanted to talk about it properly.
She agreed hesitantly, and I already started rapidly brainstorming what I could say as we walked in... So, I started off with an apology... Saying I didn't mean to mislead her, and that so many issues cascaded into... making me feel this way. That I... am trying to figure myself out, and who I want to be. I've never been in a relationship before but... it's complicated. Like I said, her saving me, us working together in times like these... I guess it makes sense that we thought something would be there. But I started to realise that I was just doing it in the moment... not out of genuine feelings.
So... I told her that. Don't get me wrong... I genuinely love her as a friend, and have enjoyed every moment we've spent together, but only because she was a great friend to me... and that she meant something to me, like family. She helped me feel like I belonged. So... while I realised there wasn't really a romantic connection for me... I really wanted her to stick around. Keep me company... because she's the only person other than Tori that I trust. And I knew she had stronger feelings for me... but I didn't know how to deal with that.
So I asked her what she wanted. How we could 'fix this'. She thought about it a bit... said she cares about me regardless of what we decide... but she did admit she gave it some thought and didn't really think a proper relationship would work out... since we're usually all over the place. I myself could always be there for her, but I understand she has other stuff she might want to do... so that's fine. Guess we worked it out... easier than I thought... but hopefully she feels better about it. I just want her to be happy and... not conflicted like me.
Anyway... uh... there's something else I wanted to mention... So, I was in good spirits after that conversation... having settled those bases, so we watched some shows together... and I just got up for a drink... decided to check my PDA, for messages and that kind of stuff...
And... uhm... Well... That [#$@!]ing ruined my good mood. I have... a [#$@!]ing message from my parents... My sister, actually... It's my mum's birthday this Saturday... I totally forgot... It's been four years since I've even spoke to them... and this is the first time my sister invited me over since... they eventually stopped sending me messages back when I started ignoring them and never showed up to any parties.
I kind of got anxious... a bit angry maybe... I didn't know whether I should go or not... Alexis asked what was wrong, so I told her... and she was a little surprised that I hadn't even said a single word to my family for basically four years... So she kind of implied that maybe stuff had changed and I should go over for my mum's birthday. I really wish she didn't say that but... long story short... if nothing critical happens... I'll be visiting... my parents... on this Saturday... the 23rd. Since she suggested it, I asked if she would come with me... just so I had... a uh... 'familiar face'. Thankfully she said yes...
Ugh... That sounds so awful... that not even my own family are a familiar face anymore. It's been four years? How am I... How am I going to tell them... what's happened? [#$@!]... I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there... In the mean time... I could use some rest. So... Yeah, I really hope I solved stuff with Alexis... and part of me hopes I can solve stuff with my parents too.
And... I know this log was largely personal, but I'm still publicising it. I guess it's just become my way of coming to terms with things... and it makes me feel a bit more honest about how I feel. So... Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable if I talk about this... but, believe me, you can imagine how I feel sometimes...
Anyway, I need to go rest... doubt I'll be able to stop thinking about my parents and what I'm going to say with them... but we'll just have to see how it goes, right?
Okay... Talk to you soon. See ya.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDR Alexis Bright for allowing me to use their character in the story!
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