LOG #077 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
25 Oct 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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LOG: #077
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
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Heya...
So, got some stuff to talk about, I guess... but let me just warn you that it gets a little personal. So... not too much happened yesterday, other than a new threat from Drake... which is creating a 'flashpoint' between CSF and Paladin... basically Paladin is just not giving up defending him, so they're constantly warning us to stay away and to stop hunting him... Yeah... And they still won't listen to my calls for surrender, so, it's going great, you could say.
And because of that threat... I was dragged into meetings almost the entire day, so I had to leave Alexis alone in my quarters for a while... and... uhm... Well, she's still having nightmares. Yesterday morning was... well, I at least got to sleep a bit more. We'd spent the night after visiting my parents watching movies, hanging out... still riding that... uh... 'high'... I guess? By that I mean... the whole feeling of knowing that my father was proud of me and... all the stuff we discovered. It was nice. I didn't want to sleep in fear that it'd suddenly go away, heh...
But, eventually we were both slowly dozing off, so we went to bed. She wasn't too restless, not like last time, but... she woke up screaming again in the morning... and that made me wake up abruptly again too. This time... she... like... she shouted something, I can still remember it exactly... "No, don't do this, he had nothing to do with it"... and then she sat up with a scream, panicking and... yeah... Gave me a scare. She calmed down a lot faster than last time, but there was still a loud knock at my door and a yell asking if I was alright.
Forgot to mention that, thanks to all of Paladin's threats... they posted a CSF team near my room. So, I had to quickly slide my magboots on and run to the door before they [#$@!]ing kicked it down... They were fairly understanding and asked if I needed any help, at least... but Alexis seemed okay now, so... We decided we might as well just get up since it was early morning anyway, and we had breakfast together. We were trying to relax a little, before that CSF guard came back and said I was needed in the briefing room immediately.
So there comes the dozens of meetings I had to attend... leaving Alexis alone in my quarters. When I got back, a bit later in the evening, since I had some other stuff to do, she was still there... sitting on my bed, twirling one of my sidearms in her hand. Walked in at a perfect time too, because she then threw a knife at a makeshift target she set up on my wall... So I kind of closed the door and just looked at her, which is when she realized I had walked in.
She immediately started to say an apology for... y'know, making my room a range, but I said it was fine. No harm done, really... though I don't know where she got my gun from. So... naturally I asked her how she got it... and apparently she got bored and opened my personal locker. Where I put her gun... but I guess she saw mine first and just grabbed it... and, like an idiot, I left my locker unlocked. Can't say I wasn't just a little bit mad... but I can't blame her either. So... I took my gun from her and gave hers back.
She seemed a little surprised at first, but she started smiling and took it. I just felt like... that outburst she had that other time wasn't really her. Just... the result of all the stress, all her feelings... She doubted it at first, and asked if I was sure, so I sat next to her and... well, I kind of said it was okay for her to feel the way she does... That she's not alone in this, and that I wanted to help her as much as I could to get through this. Kind of instinctually grabbed her hand to reassure her, and she started talking about how she's just "stressed out for some reason" and... I could kind of relate, to be honest... So I gave her a hug and suggested we have a small dinner and then rest, if she doesn't have any other plans...
And I could use the rest anyway... Briefings are exhausting. Anyway... before we went to bed, I remembered to lock my locker with our guns... and that's important now... because today, in the morning, I didn't wake up to a screaming Alexis... but rather she was standing next to my bed, nudging my shoulder and telling me to "unlock my locker". So... when I had somewhat woken up, I asked her why... and she kept saying there was someone in our room. So... I told her to calm down, that it was just the two of us here... and I even checked for her. But then she started to panic... saying that she was sure someone was here and... that they were "coming for her"...
So I asked her what was wrong... what she meant, but she didn't respond and just started pacing... I wasn't really sure what to do other than... well, give her a hug and try calm her down... saying it was just the two of us and... yeah. As she was calming down, we sat on the sofa... and then, not even joking, she mumbled "I'm sorry"... and then laid down and fell asleep on my lap. Just... out cold. So... since it was early morning and all that, I needed to get dressed and go attend briefings. Figured I'd talk to her about it later...
When I got to the briefing room, there was... well, a lot of commotion. Long story short, it turns out that one of our CSF vessels was ambushed by Paladin Interstellar while performing recon in Quince, trying to find Drake. A pretty intense standoff means Paladin basically laid down the ruleset... any TITAN vessels spotted in areas with a Paladin presence will be attacked and destroyed. So... CSF kind of 'retorted' with the same thing... effectively starting a... uh... cold war now... which is great. So I made the call to stop our manhunt until we can come up with another strategy... And then I went back to my quarters... needed to think about it.
But my mind kept getting stuck on Alexis, over and over... so when I got back and walked in... I found her awake, making herself something to eat... so I kind of sighed and told her we needed to talk. About her nightmares and... the fact that she thought someone was in our room... and that she got panicky a little before basically falling asleep on my lap. And I needed to know what was wrong... So after a bit of hesitation, she said it was her memories from the company... how she was trained and treated. That it started when we got handed over to Hivemind that one time, and now this whole 'discovering who AC was' thing... was starting to trigger those emotions and memories.
It was bringing back some memories of the company betraying her... of them treating her like a prisoner. And she explained a little bit about... what she shouted yesterday, the thing about "he had nothing to do with it"... Apparently a friend of hers that she made in the company... They were both still in training, but got taken on a mission with... a group of others... but it didn't go as planned, and they had to improvise... so the both of them came up with a plan that their team agreed on... but it still went to [#$@!], so the mission failed... She choked up after saying that, but I kind of gently nudged her along... saying it was okay. So... she explained that, to set an example, the company tortured her friend in front of her and... well, she never saw him again. Really [#$@!]ed up...
She had tears in her eyes trying to explain this but... even though part of me wanted her to stop, to not see her upset... another part of me needed to know. So I stayed quiet and let her talk... and then she explained why she was trying to wake me this morning, thinking someone was in the room. The company would fake "hostile infiltrations" some nights, which required the trainees, like her... to wake up and immediately respond, appropriately. And... they used this opportunity as a way to impose fear in the trainees... that if they ever crossed the company, that they'd be hunted down. And apparently, she kind of vaguely remembers trying to wake me... but not much else after.
She started to cry a little after recalling all those memories... so I stopped asking any further and just gave her a hug. I hate seeing her like this... wish I could do more, to be honest... other than just being here for her. Anyway... after I consoled her and we got past that... we spent a bit of time just hanging out in the quarters... up until the point where I heard a knock on my door. When I answered... it was Commander Novus, with a CSF escort. Apparently, he wanted to talk... so after the guards went away, we stood by the door, and he told me that... well... apparently... he got in contact with Connor Shephard... That same Connor that saved me at that Thargoid site.
And the same Connor that just happens to be the son of the Herald... Hivemind's deceased leader. I guess things have a poetic way of coming around... because long story short, Connor is trying to hunt down Drake... and he needs TITAN's help. And... not exactly in an ideal manner, to be honest. He wants us to intentionally start a war with Paladin first... trick Drake into becoming complacent and attempting to escape, which would potentially allow Connor to get after him and finish it... So Novus wanted to ask what we should do... And to be honest... I'm hesitant... it is war after all... and even though we wouldn't suffer any losses if CSF played their cards right, eventually we might falter... and yeah...
But... Paladin will strike sometime, and that'll be on their own terms, which would probably catch us off-guard... So striking first as a short-term option... to try push Drake out, would be an option... but a risky one. I trust them, though. The squadron... and the Commanders, I mean. That the information they obtained is true... so if they believe this can work, I'll make it happen... He agreed, and thanked me for my time before leaving... but my mind was racing with thoughts as I stepped back into my quarters. Unfortunately... Alexis overheard a little bit, so when I walked back in... she suggested that she could shadow Connor as he goes to take down Drake, and make sure it happens... herself, if need be.
Though... Connor won't even give us his position nor where Drake is, and I said it might just not be the right time for Alexis... but she said she'd be fine and... that the nightmares are just an episode she's going through... and hell - maybe it'll even be therapeutic to take down Drake herself... but... I kind of was thinking of all the things that could go wrong... so I said she was definitely not going... that I couldn't risk losing her. She just rolled her eyes and said she was obviously the best person equipped for it... given all of her experience and training... that Connor wouldn't suspect her shadowing him and so forth... but I just shut her down. Couldn't believe she was even suggesting to do this...
... but then she got angry and just yelled... "I've been an asset to an organization my whole life, why don't you treat me like one when the time calls for it?"... which kind of upset me. That she thinks all she is, is just an 'asset'... so I said she wasn't "just an asset", and I was going to continue but... I dunno. It... hit hard, I guess... so I choked up and just stared at her. Tried not to let my emotions get the better of me, but... she just suddenly broke down and couldn't hold it together either... and she burst out crying, like last time. [#$@!]... It hurts me a lot inside to see her like this... but I tried to regain my composure and to continue what I was saying... that I cared for her way too much to put her in danger... and that she was way more than just an asset...
She kept crying... and I was trying to compose myself too... but then she asked why I wouldn't let her go... so I asked why I should... She couldn't really say anything other than "because...". Because... what? Why should I give up on her? So... I asked her to talk to me... tell me what was on her mind... and she just said "to finally deal with this [#$@!]ing [#$@!]"... which... surprised me a little... she doesn't usually swear... not to mention it didn't make much sense. But I guess that kind of hammers home how bad this is... so I just gave her a quick hug and said she wasn't going, and that'd be the end of it... And that she should get some rest and we could talk about it tomorrow... if she wanted to...
Thankfully, that was easy for her to just accept... and she didn't say anything else, just immediately hopped into bed. Didn't even get changed or anything... but yeah... Honestly, that whole argument was hard for me to recover from, emotionally... just standing there, trying not to burst out crying like she did. [#$@!]... Sometimes it feels like this is affecting me more than it affects her... and I hate forcing her to... 'comply' with me. I shouldn't have to do that to her...
Anyway... uh... I didn't want to disturb her, so I stayed up. It wasn't that late, but I was already tired again... from all the meetings... the argument... I could've dozed off right there on the sofa... but as luck would have it, there was another knock on the door. Yet another Commander visiting... though don't get me wrong... it's nice to meet the people... that I'm trying desperately to protect. So... escorted by two CSF guards again was a Commander Sharales... though he said I could call him Specter as well. He didn't stick around too long, but handed me a data drive... said it had some important information on it, before he turned and left.
I'll be honest, even though I trust everyone... maybe a little too much... I wasn't too enthused to plug an unknown data drive into my PDA or whatever from someone I just met, so I handed the drive over to Mantis. See what they can find on it... hopefully I'll learn more tomorrow.
... Sorry... but I kind of need to cut this log short. A little abrupt, I know... but I've been sitting in my bathroom recording this... my back hurts like hell because of how I'm sitting... and I keep replaying what happened over and over in my head... so I really just need to go to bed...
... And sorry if it got a bit too personal again. But... Alexis is... Alexis means a lot to me as a friend... You know that. So... I'm not trying to justify her behavior but... maybe it's just worth you knowing what she's struggling with... and taking it easy on her... okay?
Alright... okay, bedtime now...
Talk to you again soon...
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDRs Alexis Bright, Novus and SpectreKryik for allowing me to use their characters in the story!
INARA page here.