LOG #079 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
01 Nov 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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LOG: #079
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
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Heya...
Sorry I haven't recorded any logs recently... It's been... well... one hell of a journey lately... one that has been really hard to deal with... but it all comes out in the end, right? Well... Yeah... it does... so... I need to start off this log by saying I lied.
I lied to you... to myself. To everyone, really, trying to convince myself that what I was doing was right - starting a war with Paladin. But keeping it inside just made the cracks build up inside... just everything cascading on top of each other... Alexis leaving... Navarro's Hold - that Paladin settlement those four Commanders attacked... The one Isabella almost died at... and it fuelled a revenge... a hatred towards Paladin. I wanted... I wanted to take them out. And... I didn't think of anything else. I don't know what I would've done if Isabella died... hell, if any of them died... Solix... Sharales... Thallia... Isabella. They're all... amazing people. And I let them down...
So... you remember that Thargoid surface site I encountered the Herald and Drake at? Yeah. I lied. Drake didn't get away. I killed him, right there... after he kicked me on my back... he... lowered his gun... and started talking... but my heart was racing and... my visor was fogged up, but I just... I couldn't let him walk. So I snatched my Tormentor from my thigh and placed two rounds in the center of the silhouette I could see... Both landed true... in his chest... and he crumpled.
Then I laid there... but... I didn't feel relieved... I felt... angry... at him... at Paladin. And I looked over at the Herald's body... realised this was all for nothing... so I felt like I had to make it worth something. So, against the pain and my view being obscured by the helmet, I picked his body up as well as the one Tormentor he dropped, and dragged it over to one of those Thargoid chambers... the ones where they store those... items... in those pods. I kept looking for one that was empty, and when I found one... I shoved his body up there as best as I could. Making sure it wouldn't just... fall out, I guess... then I grabbed the SRV in the site... parked it nearby there...
It was already damaged, but I hid it in the shadow near the wall... couldn't do much else, what with the pain and all that... so I walked back to where we encountered each other... and I guess I dropped his Tormentor on the way, because when his body was found... there was just a Tormentor in the hallway outside the room. I guess the CSF team didn't see it when they swept the site while rescuing me... though it was a super quick sweep and I don't remember them going that side of the site. Anyway... When I got back to the Herald... I just collapsed... Mostly due to the pain but... also because I felt like this... pit in my heart...
I killed Drake... the whole point of why we started a war with CSF was to either arrest or take him out... yet here I was... hiding his body. I could've stopped it... the war... but I didn't. I just laid there and thought about things. That's when Connor walked in a little bit later... and... well, the rest of that is truthful... Just not the whole part about Drake. [#$@!]... I'm so sorry.
I kept quiet about this since it happened... and I pulled his PDA from his corpse, hiding it... because if his transmissions stopped, it... might've not worked... So when I was cleared of my injuries and able to go without being monitored... I went back to Quince with the PDA... and dropped it off in his hangar. Left it there, locked up with most of the info wiped after I had used it to set up some fake transmissions to make both the squadron and Paladin think he was still alive.
[#$@!]... I hate what I did... I can't believe I did this... I thought I wouldn't ever do something like this. Lie to everyone I care about... and start a war with another mercenary group just because I wanted to pursue 'justice'... but now I just ended up making another enemy. We've been lucky so far... CSF have been doing well against Paladin... but for how long? How long until we falter... and everything goes [#$@!]ing wrong?
... Sorry... Anyway... uh... since it happened, I'd been bottling it up inside... trying to convince the operations crew that we need to continue the war... but... long story short, some Commanders were searching for Drake... I guess they wanted the war to stop too... and they eventually scoured the site in HIP 18117 and found my 'handiwork'...
I feel sick just saying that... After they found the body... they reported it, obviously... and then the operations crew, CSF... they wanted to stop the war... since the whole point was to get Drake. But I refused... demanded they continue... and I got angry... like unreasonably aggressive... because I knew what I was hiding and... I wanted Paladin held responsible... but eventually I took it a step too far and... they suspended me... after I almost assaulted our joint ops leader...
And then things kind of went downhill from there. I had a panic attack... in my quarters... scared of what people would think of me if they found out... scared to lose everything... and I just broke down completely. That was a few minutes before Novus and Solix both decided to visit me... to ask what was wrong... so I tried to make myself somewhat presentable and... let them in...
They asked the usual questions and... whatnot... but in the back of my mind... I needed to tell someone... about what I did... that I didn't want a war but... I let my emotions get the better of me... so I just told them. Told them I lied about the site... and I killed Drake. Solix didn't seem very surprised... but Novus just stood there, saying how it was a 'twist'...
And... I don't know why... but they didn't seem... angry... like I expected. Like they already knew. But... I don't know... I knew what I did was wrong, so I wanted some kind of reaction. Something to actually reassure me that I did [#$@!] up. But I got nothing... and Novus was trailing off, saying that 'Drake knew I was good' and that 'Paladin had it coming' and... he kept saying witty remarks... until I suddenly got angry and yelled at him.
He went quiet after that... but Solix continued... stating that, yeah... I [#$@!]ed up... but we needed to make a decision and... long story short... their discussion kind of helped... Made me realise I had another opportunity to make things right... that I couldn't change it anymore, so maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought... and yeah...
But at that point I was just [#$@!]ing emotionally drained... so I asked them to politely leave... just so I could rest and... they did... but there's another small lie. I didn't sleep... not much at least... I just kept thinking of everything... that it was my fault we started the war and... yeah... I was worried about how I'd tell Alexis when... uhm... if... she comes back...
That's another one of the issues... that kind of has made me an emotional mess lately... I still don't know if I messed up between us... and if that's why she left... She hasn't replied to my message yet and... I don't want to push it... but... ugh... I don't have anyone to talk to about this... not even Tori, she's too busy. I just hope Alexis is okay... and that she comes back... soon...
Okay... so... now you know. I already issued an apology statement to the squadron talking about this but... I thought you might want to know how this has all happened and... why... with a bit more of a personal touch... I really [#$@!]ed up, and I just wish I could change what I did... but I can't... so I have to just live with it...
Hopefully... we can get Paladin to not breathe down our necks... no war would be really nice right about now... Oh... and I'm... still partially suspended for a little bit. Apparently suspending the Squadron Commander from operations is a bit of a lengthy process that can't just be reverted immediately... and I guess they didn't expect me to come clean so quickly... but I guess we owe that to Solix and Novus... for getting me to talk about it.
So... while I wait for my ops authorisation to be returned... I'm going to rest in my quarters... and just chill for a bit... think about things... and spend some me-time, I guess. So... you know where to find me. Kind of hate that my access to my ships has been taken away too... I really want to fly right now. But... oh well. It's my fault that happened in the end.
And sorry about the gap between logs... but... it was a struggle to just... talk about anything... and it still kind of is a little... but... at least I can tell you this now... And I didn't mean to... launch into it, in this log... but... uhm... I guess it's a comeback? I don't know... I just needed to tell people. That I [#$@!]ed up... but I'm going to try make it right, now... and I know we can't bring back everyone we lost... because of my decisions... but I'm going to try make sure I don't mess this up again...
Sorry. I'm a total mess. I get it... My personal life isn't doing great, even though I... 'reconnected' with my family... I miss Alexis and... I just want to know what I did wrong, y'know? And... I'm trying to deal with all the emotions... but...
Look, I'm sorry for breaking your trust or... whatever... I really am. I didn't mean to... do this. I just thought I was doing the right thing in the end... turns out, not really.
So... I'm signing off for now... I'll talk to you some other time... and hopefully I don't have any bad news. See ya around.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDRs Alexis Bright, Thallia Thorn, Isabella Levine, Novus, Solix and SpectreKryik for allowing me to use their characters in the story!
INARA page here.