LOG #080 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
04 Nov 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
INITIATING ENCRYPTED CONNECTION. . .LOGIN USER: tconscmdr3283aa3307top
LOGIN PASS: •••••••••••••••••••••••••
W e l c o m e U s er
- - IDENTIFICATION SCAN SUCCESSFUL - -
Initiating voice-recording...
AUDIO RESYNTH: ON
LOG: #080
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
====================RECORDING START====================
Hey... It's me...
God, I don't even know why I'm saying that... I'm not publicising this log. I kind of have a little bit of bad news... I need somewhere to say how I feel right now... because if I'm honest, it's a struggle. It just gets harder every day to keep it together, some days I don't even want to get out of bed. I woke up in a panic yesterday, crying and... I couldn't breathe. And I don't know why.
Well... I guess I have an idea as to why... I just... I really [#$@!]ing regret what I did. That I ruined people's trust... everything I've tried hard to build up - to cling onto... Because, yeah, sure, I 'connected' back with my family... yay... but I still feel [#$@!]ing alone. Alexis won't return my messages and I... just... keep feeling more and more disconnected from everyone... Even if they try talk to me.
Everyone says it's okay and... that nobody hates me for what I did and that they accept my apology... but I can't even accept it myself. I hate myself for what I did... why did I do it? Now I've just... [#$@!]ed things up for myself again and... ugh... Why can't I [#$@!]ing talk about this [#$@!]ing [#$@!]?!
All I wanted was to just do the best I can for everyone, and I let my [#$@!]ing self get in the way of that... and people died because of it... and we almost lost Isabella too... how can I ever forgive myself for that? Why do people not hate me because of it? I don't know how to handle this... how... how do I... [#$@!]... I'm so, so scared... I'm scared I'm starting from zero again... and... I'm... I'm trying... I'm trying so hard... so hard to keep it together... I-... I don't w... want to... to lose... this... please... please-please-please... oh god...
...
... [#$@!]... S-... Sorry... uhm...
... Okay... Okay... It's alright... breathe... I... please... no panic attack... not right now...
... I'm really scared to lose people over this... and it hurts hearing them mention everytime that... I need to earn that trust again... and... [#$@!]... How could I do that to them? Knowing that they trusted me and were... were loyal... they all [#$@!]ing trusted me. And... And I just... let my selfish behavior get the better of me... and ruin that...
W... What if I do it again? And... and I don't... I don't realize it or something. [#$@!]... [#$@!]... I need to calm down... Mhhh... [#$@!] this... I... I don't know who to talk to... I don't want to... talk to anyone. I don't deserve any of this... or their attention or help... I betrayed them... I should [#$@!]ing suffer for that.
No... Come on, Aurora... I... [#$@!]... that's not the way to think... [#$@!]ing hell, what the [#$@!] is wrong with me?! First it... started out as just a general worry... something I kept thinking about since I confessed to everyone... and now I've been having nightmares since the 2nd and... I feel sick everytime I interact with anyone and... I can't stop crying when I'm alone...
[#$@!]... the... the nightmare. This... specific... nightmare keeps recurring... I'm... it always starts... with me in my SRV... but... everything is offline, and I can't... can't breathe, but my helmet is on... and... the landscape is red... the sky is... is this blood red... and it's dark... the HUD flickers... back on and off every now and then... but everytime it does there's... just... a string of... string of words in the comms panel... just... 'Failure'... repeated, over... and over again... like... directed to me...
And everytime, I panic and try get out my SRV to breathe... but my suit doesn't start up... and I'm suffocating but... still standing there... and... everything is blurry but... I... I don't know, I try run away from the SRV... my lungs burning and... there's always this like... 'ring' on the horizon... these blue plants around... and I try scream for help and... run towards the ring... but... then it feels like... like someone stabbed me... and... I look around and can't see anything...
And eventually I just... I collapse and... lay there, staring up at the sky... I can't... do anything and... everything hurts... and it... it stays like that for minutes before... suddenly my suit boots up and... I can breathe... and that's when I suddenly wake up... everytime, gasping for air... crying... and... shaking so much. I've... I haven't told anyone... and no one has asked, but... since we 'rescued' Sharales from his ship... it just... has been getting worse.
And... about that... the 'rescue'... Sharales had a breakdown, because of what I did... he blamed himself... blamed me for using everyone and... his ship requested help from Thallia and Isabella... At the time, they'd... popped around to see how I was doing... talk about it a bit... but when they got the message, I decided to tag along... Thallia gave me a copy of the log Sharales' COVAS sent... and I read it... and...
Well... we... he... he said he doesn't... 'hate me'... for it... but... it... hurt. Knowing how badly I'd [#$@!]ed up with them... everything he said had a little bit of truth to it after all... So... I don't know, I... I just... everytime I try talk to people, I can't... say it. I can't [#$@!]ing say what I need to say... It's always a 'you guys mean so much to be me' or 'I'm scared to lose everything' but... [#$@!]... I don't... know if they understand it. I'm... trying to cry out for help...
The... the issue just runs so much deeper... to the point where it is... is just destroying me inside... to the point where I can't even bring myself to walk to the operations room every day... or to... get dressed, shower... make food... whatever. I just... I don't know... Am... Am I taking it too harshly on myself? But... I don't know... know how else to... react...
My... My entire life... I've been... taught that there should be... massive repercussions for this... My mum was kind of responsible for that... to the point where she shunned me out of our family just because I wouldn't join the Navy... So... So now... Now that... this has happened... I don't know what to do... I... people... people didn't take it as bad as they should've... so I don't know... what to do... how to react.
I guess... I just want... some kind of negative reaction... some kind of punishment for what I did... but there's... there's nothing... People are forgiving me already... Why? I don't... I don't deserve it... People... People died because of what I did... we almost... I almost... lost... people I care about... like... Isabella at... at Navarro... Alexis... or... Thallia... Sharales...
... I can't do this anymore... I can't keep this in...
... I'm... going to stop recording and... uhm... I need... I need to call someone... before... I do something stupid.
I-... I love you guys... I wish I didn't fail you...
I'm sorry.
====================RECORDING END====================
Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDRs Alexis Bright, Thallia Thorn, Isabella Levine, and SpectreKryik for allowing me to use their characters in the story!
INARA page here.