LOG #081 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
06 Nov 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
INITIATING ENCRYPTED CONNECTION. . .LOGIN USER: tconscmdr3283aa3307top
LOGIN PASS: •••••••••••••••••••••••••
W e l c o m e U s er
- - IDENTIFICATION SCAN SUCCESSFUL - -
Initiating voice-recording...
AUDIO RESYNTH: ON
LOG: #081
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
====================RECORDING START====================
Heya.
I'm... uh... feeling better after my last log, log 80 - which is still going to stay private, sorry - if you're wondering why. I don't really wanna show that to people openly. I... uh... kinda had a mental breakdown... and... Yeah. It wasn't good, or fun. But... I did contact someone afterwards... Someone to talk to about it... before I did anything stupid. And who better to talk to than Isabella, right?
She was pretty quick too... and... well... Long story short, she came round, I kinda broke down when I saw her, and so I gave her log 80 to read, since it basically had all my thoughts in it. It was hard to say them again, so giving her the log was the easiest thing I could do. She... started comforting me and... saying she trusted me and forgives me for what happened... and if I'm honest, that was really great to hear... directly. At least one person openly saying that... made me feel a little better. I know people 'forgave' me before, and I appreciate that... but...
Uh... I don't know. It's just... I wanted to hear it, I guess. After we 'rescued' Sharales from himself... just... people were saying it was okay and stuff... but it didn't feel okay to me... so when I returned to the Solaris and was alone, everything just went downhill... and... I started having nightmares again, starting on the 2nd. I was scared people weren't 'truly' forgiving me - lying like I did - I guess... and that I didn't deserve any of this. It's stupid, I know. I don't mean to doubt anyone... It's just... things are rough, I guess. It still hurts a lot, what I did, and I really wish I could change it. People tell me to not apologize and... yeah... but I can't not, y'know?
I just felt like I deserved to have some kind of harsh repercussion for what I did... so I didn't expect people to accept it so quickly. That's what I've been mostly taught my entire life, so... sorry. I'm okay now, I think... Though there's some stuff I still want to work through, but I'll... I'm going to try not bottle it up so much. I don't want to put my burdens on other people, but I don't want to lose control like that again. I mean... I had my Tormentor ready when I... broke down. I wasn't really planning to do anything with it but... I just... grabbed it, I guess. And I thought about... it.
Isabella kind of kicked that idea away for good, not that I could bring myself to do it anyway. She was really kind about... everything. So I kind of asked if she'd stick around for the night - I just wanted the company to be honest. Thankfully it seems like she's one for impromptu sleepovers, she didn't have an issue with it. And... I'm glad she stuck around, since I didn't have a nightmare that night, after our talk. I don't... want to sound rude but... Isabella... I can relate to her more than I could with Alexis. I felt... like I could be more vulnerable. Don't get me wrong, Alexis does mean... a lot to me but...
Ugh... I don't know. Maybe that's a lie... She hasn't returned my message and she hasn't come back herself either yet. Part of me hates the fact that she left when I needed her the most. When we needed her the most... And yeah, sure, she's under no obligation to stick around... but I thought we had a connection, y'know? That that would be strong enough to keep her around. So I guess I kind of feel like this... odd friendship Alexis and I have is weakening because of this.
But Isabella... she's... she has her own stuff to do, like everyone else, but she still makes time for people, y'know? She's an amazing person, kind, thoughtful, and funny at times - and no, before you say anything, I don't actually have a thing for her. She's... got someone already, obviously, and I wouldn't ruin that. She's a great friend, though. So, call me clingy... but I wanted her to stick around a bit, so I didn't have to go immediately into 'leader mode'. So we spent some time after the 'sleep-over' together, attended a briefing after I invited her, and hung out a little before we called it for the day. It was a lot of fun, to be honest. We didn't do much, but a normally boring day turned into a pretty good one, so... Yeah. Thanks for that.
Since then... uhh... I've been kind of... thinking about what we're gonna do about this whole Paladin thing. They went dark and, it's unclear where we go from here. I'm hoping the Interpol team that's working with us will find something and... Oh... Right, yeah, I forgot to mention that. The Alliance Interpol actually got involved. Paladin's made enough of a noise that Interpol has taken notice... and they've deemed them a 'threat to the galaxy'. They have a specialised counter-terrorism squad working with CSF to raise enough evidence against Paladin, which we could maybe use to convince Interpol overall to organise a stronger response against Paladin.
If that works... then we could maybe get rid of them for good. Though, that's an ambitious goal, I know... which is why today, I've convinced CSF to expand their interstellar war permit to include Commanders. We're still working out the specifics but... it would basically allow our independent Commanders to get involved in the fight against Paladin legally. That could give us a huge flexibility... so I hope it goes through.
So... other than that... I don't have much news. I'm doing a little better, thanks to Isabella. I think I'll need more time to just... get things together, but I feel okay. I feel good, actually... Better than before, obviously. So, just gotta keep that going...
Anyway... I should probably get some rest... Some things to tackle tomorrow and all that, as usual.
I'll... see ya around, I hope. Thanks.
====================RECORDING END====================
Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDRs Alexis Bright, Isabella Levine, and SpectreKryik for allowing me to use their characters in the story!
INARA page here.