LOG #083 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
20 Nov 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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LOG: #083
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
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... Hey...
So... uhm... Where do I begin? I guess... I'm sorry I've been... 'radio silent' for eleven days... I was... uhh...
I was in a coma. Yeah... It... I can't believe it either, really... I didn't even realize it or... feel anything. So, I guess I should probably explain how that happened, based on what I remember and what they told me. Last time, I mentioned that I went after that settlement, after that scout wing was destroyed, to try fulfil their objective. And... it was successful, and the intel basically revealed information regarding Novus, Solix, Isabella, Sharales and myself. Just... personal appearances and the ships we fly. Stuff Paladin would use to track us down or keep eyes on us, basically.
But there was encrypted intel on that dataport as well... and when Mantis decrypted it, it revealed a lot of Paladin Interstellar positions. Stuff in a system called Usdia mostly. I vaguely remember it being a command settlement... some production settlements - even some agricultural settlements. Places that made Paladin somewhat self-sufficient but... that's not important. What is important is that CSF began a strike against them. I planned to get involved too - even had the Icarus prepared... I started this war after all, I wasn't going to sit back and relax.
Things got complicated from there. I was about to leave the briefing room and get to my ship, but then... they suddenly said that 'Paladin was approaching the carrier'. The strike forces in Usdia? They started to report that some of Paladin's vessels were breaking out and moving to Misir rapidly. They were going to assault the Solaris... but I mean... Who attacks a carrier full-on? Sounds like a dumb idea, doesn't it? I thought the same as well, but we obviously still gave the orders to defend the carrier. Most of the strike teams recalled... every unit was deployed, vice versa.
And then things just went from bad to worse. The Paladin vessels were getting closer - just minutes away... and then... one of the... uh... Mantis specialists... he just rushed into the briefing and said we were under attack. Not physically - but digitally. Paladin was launching an attack on our network... and we detected it too late. They were trying to fight it back but... any longer and we would've lost control of the carrier. Weapon systems... jumping... even just docking access. Paladin would essentially own the Solaris. And the worst part? The Solaris is connected to every other carrier.
Eventually, the virus would just... spread. Throughout the entire squadron... And I doubt we could stop Paladin then. So yeah. I panicked... but there had to be a way to stop it, right? So... Since being a combat specialist in CSF... I've had my fair share of messing around with electronics and hardware... and I enjoyed it. But... my point is; everything has its 'hard reset', I guess that's the best way I can explain it. But I mean... on the scale of an entire fleet carrier - we're talking essentially the 'nuclear option'. I know Mantis keeps back-ups of everything but... resetting the Solaris would be wiping everything.
Everything back to factory... but it would at least rid the virus a lot faster than trying to fight it back, and Paladin wouldn't gain control. I just... I don't know. It was such... such a dangerous move. The power would go off... we'd lose our weapon systems, CSF would lose their tactical coordination network... long-range comms would go down... we'd be fighting back against a Paladin attack blindly. But... Ugh, I don't know how to explain it. I just... I had faith in CSF. They have protocols to deal with this... I had faith in everyone else to pull this off. Faith in everyone...
... Except myself. I still don't forgive myself for what I did, and... I guess... part of what I was doing was trying to 'win back' people. To try make things right again. I just wanted things to be okay again... To stop people hurting. Even at my expense... I didn't care. Sounds... awful... but it's what I thought in the moment. How many people would've died if we didn't fight back Paladin? Anyway... uhm... continuing on... After I ordered the entire shutdown and reset of the carrier, it happened just a few minutes later... and consequently, Paladin attacked shortly after. We didn't have time to restore the carrier.
But CSF had their orders... and I had mine. 'Protect the squadron'. Simple... right? So... I came armed - after a lot of protest from the operations crew - and I took a CSF team to the hangar bay where they prepped the Icarus. We encountered some Paladin resistance along the way... and... they... they fought well. I was scared. Really scared, but I couldn't let fear overcome me. Not now... I thought if that happened, then I'd just have failed everyone. So honestly... as cheesy as it might sound... the only thing stopping me from freezing up was remembering the fight was for you guys. And obviously the adrenaline... Everything else that happened between the briefing room and the landing bay was a blur.
I just remember... so much gunfire and yelling... then entering the landing bay, and sprinting for the ship, the CSF team behind me... Two of them stayed behind and stood guard outside, I remember that. The squad leader and one of his gunners. The other four guys...
... [#$@!]. I remember we... we were patched into the local radio network... every squad was on it. Some of the Eclipse guys dogfighting outside... they were reporting two of the hostile enemy Corvettes... both heavily-engineered... and then they started... uh... they started like, shouting something about... 'one of the Corvettes is breaking off'... and... 'it's heading for the Solaris'... And I froze where I was... when someone said it was coming for bay 4.
We... We were in bay 4... and... Ugh, it's really hard to explain... I guess... like... the shutter doors above just... sheared apart, and... the nose of a ship came smashing in. The CSF team scattered but the impact knocked us off our feet... leaving us scrambling around in zero-g for a little. Then... the... the [#$@!]ing Corvette opened fire. Its weapons just... shattered the Icarus' shields, and the hull was threatening to snap in half... So I... I quickly... used my pack to get back on the landing pad, and... I just followed my instinct and ran for cover. The Icarus was already running - I asked them to ensure it was online...
But... as the impacts continued on my ship, I could... hear this... 'whining', of a reactor... progressing in volume. So I quickly deployed my helmet and turned my left side to the ship, diving between the gap by the pad and the hangar floor... and then there was just... a flash. This... excruciating pain in my side, and then darkness... Yeah. Everything is blank from there... and... I don't know... it's... It's hard to explain, but I guess I'll try... because I vividly remember like... a... a dream, I guess? It wasn't scary... but... it was... I don't know.
Peaceful? After the pain there was just... I could feel it even while everything was dark... it was dark for so, so long... And I tried to put my hand out... and that's when I felt... sand. So I... lifted myself up and... there I was. In my suit... one of my other ones - my explorer suit. The pain was still there, but when I checked my side, there was nothing. And my suit was online this time? And when I stood up and looked around, trying to take a breath, there was just this... amazing blue horizon. It was bright and... remembering it exactly is a little fuzzy, but it was still pretty dark.
Everytime I took a breath, I'd feel the sharp pain... but with each breath it lessened, until it wasn't there anymore. And... [#$@!]. I told you it was hard to explain. I don't remember what happened after that... I guess I roamed for hours. My suit power never went down - it just stayed full... and I couldn't find my ship either, nor 'recall it', even though my InSight gave me the ability to. Couldn't contact anyone - or rather I had no one on my contact list. It was just... Lonely. Serenely lonely.
I'm not gonna lie... I cried. Just stood there and cried. I thought about Paladin. How I might have just failed everyone. That I was going to miss them. Never got to say goodbye... because honestly - I thought I died. I remembered the explosion... and that was all. I just wanted to s-... see-...
... [#$@!]... sorry. Bad time to get emotional. But... It's... It's okay now. It was scary, but... We're okay now... I... uh... I came to yesterday, on the 19th. It's been roughly... 11 days since we defeated Paladin Interstellar. Yeah... we... We won. And I... I wasn't even around to see it. But... I'm just glad they're... they're done. That this might, hopefully, finally be over with, at least somewhat. But... [#$@!], if I could not stop crying after I woke up.
When I woke up, after the dream suddenly ended with my ship landing, I kind of did it... abruptly. Scared Connor a bit too - he's been standing guard for the entire time I was asleep... Not too sure how to feel about that, or how he got assigned to me so easily. But... glad he was there. He rushed out and got the doctors... and that's when people started to gather and the news started to spread, about me waking up.
And when that happened, well... a lot of people got together to come see me... all the CSF captains, Isabella, Thallia, Solix... they all came as soon as they heard. The doctor was busy explaining to me what happened... my recovery... And according to him, I honestly should've died in that hangar. One second wasted getting into cover... one wrong angle... one delayed step, and the shrapnel could've hit me differently. Or... if the blastwave focused differently, I might not have survived that... but it didn't, and I... made it out...
He advised some slight recovery time, but other than that, they worked a miracle. On the surface, I... I look okay. It still hurts a little sometimes, and I'm still a bit stiff but... what they did... it was amazing. I honestly just... when I got back to my quarters, I stood infront of the mirror and stared at... me. Couldn't believe it... I looked at my side up and down so many times... and there wasn't a scratch.
Though I suppose that's medical tech nowadays... it's incredible. But... going back to... to the... [#$@!]... I'm gonna cry again. Sorry.
Going... Going back to the medical ward I was in... There were... soldiers... CSF captains, lined up outside... When they heard the news, they started to gather outside, lining the hallways... and then the doctor was droning on and on about the details and... I kind of shut off, to be honest. I guess I got upset that I didn't realize what had happened to me - that I could've just... died... and that would be it. I'd never get to see Thallia or Isabella again... nor Sharales, Solix or Novus. No one. So I kept worrying about them, ignoring the doctor mostly and trying not to panic.
And then, by complete coincidence... or, I dunno, maybe not... Thallia walked in with Isabella. Can't even explain how I felt. Just to see them again... they're... so sweet. Amazing people... Makes me glad I didn't burn that bridge by accident. I love the both of them, they're just... special to me, I guess. Everyone is obviously, but Thal and Isa just... they helped put things in perspective for me when I was struggling to come to terms with what I did. And here they were again, visiting me after I just woke up from a fairly traumatic event.
After they came out and visited we... spoke a bit and... long story short, it was going great, until two CSF captains walked in. I asked one of them earlier to get me my squadron PDA so I could catch up on the management... but... when he came back... he said, straight-up, no. And then, he told me that I was suspended from squadron operations and management - again - until further notice. A direct order from the operations crew.
Yeahhh... I was livid at the time. Couldn't believe they were going to do this to me again. Suspend me for what seemed like no reason. May have shot the messenger there a little bit... but Thal calmed me down and let the Captain continue. Basically... they're suspending me because I'm not "fit for duty". He was saying how I just woke up from a coma and... it was for recovery reasons, blah blah... and legally they can do this because of squadron law. I tried to stand my ground and remain adamant that I could lead, but... He was right. They were right.
I haven't been doing that great lately and I need to take the backseat for a little... so that'd be the end of it. No more squadron management for me, for now. At least they weren't taking access to my ships and other stuff away, but they just don't want me to stress myself out leading. So... yeah... I...
...
Sorry. Needed to pause again... because... here comes the slightly emotional part. So... uhm... to soften the blow of the news a little, the Captain handed me a black hardcase afterwards... the other Captain was carrying it for him as they both entered. Then he went on a slight tangent about how he 'remembers the contention regarding me as TITAN's new leader' when I stepped up to the position... that 'many didn't believe I could fill the void Quinton left'... but then he said 'the faith our men had in me grew over time'.
And he said that... now, I'm apparently the only one they would rather have lead this squadron. That I proved to them the squadron is a home worth fighting for. And then he said they adopted a little 'phrase' after they found out what I did... the order I gave to shut down the Solaris. It's poetic, in a way... 'with a roar, we take a dare'. It's kind of cute... and a little ingenious how it matches up with my name. It upset me a little... because it made me realize how far... I've come, I guess. 19-year-old me wouldn't have believed this would be my life in 5 years.
And it... it was also a stark contrast to CSF's reaction when I stepped up as Squadron Commander. There was so much... noise then. And he was right about the contention... at the time, people didn't want me as the SC. I'm... glad that's changed now. That I've made this impression on CSF and the squadron as a whole. It also made me recap everything that has happened since I've been SC... and yeah. I realized I really do need a break. He finished off his little speech, saying the Icarus - my Corvette that got destroyed - was replaced and returned to perfect condition... and that they, CSF, wanted to collectively make some kind of gift for me.
So... the hardcase was apparently one of those gifts. The others were taken to my quarters. Solix had to go, so he didn't get to see the gift at the time... but... let me just say it was... beautiful, honestly. The hardcase had this... solid diamond emblem of the squadron logo. Actually, they had diamond emblems of all the divisions and their logos too. It was just... gorgeous. But underneath all that... they had this necklace... that was truly incredible. It had the physical insignia of Squadron Commander attached to it and... the whole thing looked like gold but... as the light hit it at different angles it... it like... changed color? Like the light refracted differently and you'd get these beautiful reds, greens and blues... it was... it was just amazing.
The other gifts were great too... they got me a few more custom-fit outfits in different colors... replaced my damaged, custom Maverick suit that I was wearing during the explosion, and... some diamond 'models' of my most flown ships, and the Solaris... so yeah. For some, it's... probably not much but... it means everything to me. To get gifts like this... but honestly, the necklace... The necklace really stands out. I'm so keeping it on, all the time... I love it so, so much. They really made the effort with this, so yeah... I guess it did soften the blow of being told I'm suspended.
But... it did make me realize that I do need this. A break. I've given my everything to this squadron for three months, and hell, I'd definitely do it again in a heartbeat. I just don't want to... crack under the pressure again, and make mistakes... or lie... or whatever. So after the Captain's little speech, and the gifts... I might still be a little mad about it, but I'll spend this time... focusing on me. Maybe go exploring... spend time with the others... Isabella, Thallia, Sharales, Novus, Solix... just... 'reconnect' again, I guess? That kind of... reminds me of... well... y'know who. Alexis.
And... uhm... well, if I can be completely honest about that - as much as it hurts to say this - I feel like Alexis has just become a distant memory now. I miss her... it's just... I'm having a hard time sympathizing with her suddenly leaving. Starting to slowly lose that attachment we had, for good.
Though... I've done the same - leaving suddenly and all that - I'll admit it. But this? This is just... too long. With no communication whatsoever. Maybe something happened but... I... I dunno. Where would I start to look for her? It's... No... no, nevermind. Not gonna let that get me down... sorry. She can handle herself. And I got this under control. It's alright. I guess eventually our paths were bound to split... Right? I'm... I guess I'll leave it at that. You don't really need to know...
... Anyway... What else, what else... Well, other than enjoying being 'alive' again... and seeing the others, it's been great. Speaking to Thallia and Isabella again. Being able to sleep in my bed for as long as I want. Having that little bit of freedom back again. Sure, it's bittersweet being locked out of squadron management for the time being... but... it's mostly sweet. Relaxing. It does feel weird, not having to wake up for briefings and stuff... but yeah.
Just gotta figure out what I'm going to do with myself. Try stay out of trouble... maybe explore, see some more sites. I dunno, guess I'll find out. So, other than that... after the gifts, I hung out a little with Isabella and Thallia... came to terms with my suspension... and yeah. I'm happy to be back... like I said, I honestly thought that was it for me... but I'm glad it wasn't.
Anyway... right, I should probably get going, and get some rest... And hopefully... I'll be back in action in no time. They can't keep me out of that briefing room for long... uh... probably...
...
... Uhm... Y'know... I...
... I really love you all... this squadron... and everything you've given and entrusted me with... it's truly special. So thanks... for everything, again. I appreciate it... so, so much. Couldn't ask for a better family.
I'll see you around.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDRs Isabella Levine, Thallia Thorn, Solix, Novus, and SpectreKryik for allowing me to use their characters in the story!
INARA page here.