LOG #089 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
12 Dec 2021Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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Initiating voice-recording...
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LOG: #089
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: Templar (Krait Phantom, TR-03X)
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... Hey...
Sorry... so, I guess I just... kind of overreacted in my last log. I don't know... is that an overreaction? Maybe not... I guess.
I'm sorry. If I made anyone worried... I'm sorry... I just... got overwhelmed. Things just spiralled out of control and it didn't feel like I could... breathe, or think straight... so I just grabbed my Phantom and left. Sorry... I [#$@!]ed up... even kicked Alexis out of my quarters before I left... though I did have someone arrange another quarters aboard the Solaris, just for her... I hope she doesn't hold it against me too much.
Though, I do... somewhat... stand by the stuff I said in my last log, though, I guess. I still don't know if I want to resign but... I just... I feel like you guys deserve better. I don't have the experience... or the stability... just feels like my life keeps getting flipped upside down, over and over again.
Maybe you feel the same way. I haven't gotten... any messages from... anyone, really. Sorry... I guess it's wrong to expect any. It's just... kinda lonely... out here. Trying to come to terms with the fact that my father is dead. And all the bad stuff that has happened in the squadron... it's all a vivid memory again. I don't want to let you guys down... but I don't know what to do... or if I should come back. I'm... I don't know... embarrassed? Ashamed? Scared... of what everyone thinks of me right now...
Just can't believe he's dead... and I don't know what to say to my family. Things kind of... went bad... after I finished my last log. Just kept... replaying everything in my head... all the events, mistakes, over and over... Started thinking that maybe things would be better off without me... and then bad thoughts kinda started to cross my mind and...
Well, I didn't... do anything, other than... break down in my Phantom, for what felt like hours... Hell, it probably was. I'm so exhausted now... and I have a splitting headache... so that's great.
But I really am sorry. I know I'm saying it a lot but... I don't know. I don't know what else to say... or how else to say it. I genuinely love the squadron and... everyone in it... but I don't know if I'm making the right decisions. If I'm the right person for the job. And I could ramble on, and on about it, I guess... but... you get the point, I hope. I just want to find who keeps doing this and just... finish it for good, but I don't want to drag everyone down with me, like before... and I want to figure out what was on that datapad...
The data my dad died for... I just... I need to know what it was. I don't believe for one second that he'd compromise the Federation intentionally... so either he's being framed or something else is at play here... but I don't know why Quinton had it on his datapad. I tried to think about it a bit... and I... I dunno. Maybe they were working together somehow... they might've known eachother? I wouldn't have guessed... I don't know what my father was hiding... he didn't even tell me until recently that he was a Commander. The last thing he shared with me...
Just want to see him again... hear his stories... see that smile. The only recent memory I have of him is from that birthday party... him saying that he was proud of me... the subtle tears in his eyes as he watched me open that box... with his Elite badges. I'd give anything to have that again. To see him again.
But that's it... It's just gone... gone forever... thanks to the [#$@!]ing Crimson Venators. Honestly, what a... pretentious name...
I guess they lived up to it, though... Maybe if I just tried harder to shut them down... to do it sooner, he'd still be alive.
Ugh. [#$@!]... There I go... blaming myself again... Sorry. I just... they've caused so much hurt to everyone... I just want this over with. For everyone to be okay... like Isabella... She's still locked away in Imperial prison... and I don't know how we're going to get her out... or if she's going to get out. But, I tried... I just don't know what else I can do... Can things just... settle...? Please...
...
Guess I should mention that I have... gotten messages from people. Or, at least - just one message, from someone. It's from an unknown sender though, it wasn't really a 'sorry for your loss' or anything... and they didn't identify themselves in the message... so I haven't replied. It's someone who wants to meet... somewhere... and yeah, I know it could be a trap, but it sounds too... 'sincere' to be a trap, if that makes sense... Like this is someone who genuinely needs to discuss something with me, in secret. Honestly, I'm not a fan of the anonymity either... and we know how this ended up last time... but...
I don't know. I'm giving it some thought... and I'd be careful, obviously. But right now... I just want to... hide away, I guess. Give things some serious thought. Sounds silly, but... I don't really want to offload my issues onto others. These logs are kind of a safe space for me... but I'm not sharing everything... just the things that might as well be obvious. Or... at least... I hope so. I ramble on a lot, so I don't know... sorry. Just wanted to give an update.
All things... considered... I guess I'm... okay. Kinda...
I've just been sitting in my ship the entire time since I left... trying to keep my composure... but at least I'm alone out here. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing right now... I feel pretty... awful, I suppose.
So... I should... probably get some rest. Sorry for running off again. I'll be back, eventually... Maybe after I meet with whoever this mysterious sender is, and figure out what's up with that... Not sure yet.
Anyway... I'll see you around, I hope. Stay safe... please.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDRs Alexis Bright and Isabella Levine for allowing me to use their characters in the story!
INARA page here.