LOG #097 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
30 Jan 2022Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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Initiating voice-recording...
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LOG: #097
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
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Hey. Got some stuff to talk about and... a thing I've been... wanting to mention but haven't really worked up the courage to do so.
... So I... I guess I'll open up with that. For the last month or so, I've... been spending most of my time with Isabella. I've mentioned it in previous logs a bit and... I kinda keep slipping in hints and stuff because I'm... really excited to talk about it, but also kinda nervous, so I kept quiet about it for the most part. Until now, where we've revealed it to Sharales and Novus, so... I might as well come out and just say it.
We're dating. And I've fallen completely in love with Isa, as sappy as that sounds. I'm not afraid to admit it. She's so beautiful and... the most amazing person I know. She deserves that much credit after everything she's done for me while she's been around, and I love her deeply for that. I... I kinda realized I had feelings for her after Navarro. When we met in the Solaris medical wing after she was injured. I still feel guilty about that whole situation... even if she decided to go to Navarro herself in the end, which ended up involving the others too. I still blame myself for not stopping the war when I had the chance...
... but that's past events. I can't change it. Just like how I can't change the fact that Thallia is gone. I never acted on how I felt about Isa because... they were together. And it would just be wrong. I can't just do something like that, so I ignored it. But the more I met her... the more I realized how compatible we are. How we balance each other out emotionally. That our service in our respective militaries was almost similar - except I abandoned mine at the last second. We both didn't like it. We both became Commanders for similar reasons. And then when she joined the squadron, we've... struggled together. Gotten through some pretty hard times together, with the others. And now we've... lost both of our fathers. Neither of us really have a family anymore but... admittedly, mine is by choice.
So I guess we got a little close. A lot close. As friends, at first... and then... then we lost Thallia. Just... gone... without a trace. And it's been a month now, and... we've found nothing. Just her destroyed ship that was left behind initially and nothing more. Isa took it really hard back then, she'd just broken out of Imperial prison after being falsely arrested and was spending a few days with Thal until she disappeared. So I wanted to be there for Isa. To try help her get through it.
It broke my heart to see how much the loss hurt her... and I didn't really... know what to do, to be honest. So I just tried to spend time with her. And I know she'd just lost someone she cared about, and I would never take advantage of that - I made that clear when I told her - but... I just... I felt like I needed to at least try take the opportunity. To let her know that someone else still deeply cares about her. That she didn't lose everything... So on the 20th of December last year... I told Isa I had feelings for her... and to my surprise she... said she felt the same way. Not like... Like, she was loyal to Thal, obviously, but... after we met in the medical wing... she felt something but didn't know what it was, if that makes sense.
Then as time went on and we... spent more time with each other trying to get through all this [#$@!], our bond grew so strong. More than I've ever had with anyone else. And... now we've both fallen for each other and... yeah. I love her. She makes me feel... great. Confident about how I look. Happy even when getting up in the morning is a struggle. I wouldn't change a thing... except for bringing Thal back. I just wish we knew what happened...
... I know if Thallia came back now, things would... probably be hard to explain. But... in the end, I just want Isa to be happy... even if it isn't with me. I... sometimes... get a bit anxious and think about it. What I'd do without her. The truth is I've... come close to...
[#$@!]... Okay, this is a bit hard to talk about... Uhm...
... that time I called Isa to talk after I had a mental breakdown...? I was sitting in my quarters... holding my gun. It just... hurt so much. Every day was just a struggle to do stuff... and I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. So, I... started to have thoughts about...
...
... about using the weapon on myself. I lied and said it was unloaded when it wasn't. I didn't want to make Isa feel more upset than she was already when she came to talk to me. She found out eventually because things happened and we ended up... speaking about stuff. But that was the first time I'd... I'd almost acted on it. I don't have the thoughts anymore but... without her help then, I might not be here right now. I owe her so much. It only feels right that I do everything I can to keep her safe. Happy. And I want Thallia to come back, even if I'm scared to lose what I have with Isa. Our bond is so, so strong but... yeah. I miss Thal so much as well.
So now you know. I fell in love with Isabella and I truly want to be with her for the rest of my life. She... feels so, so much different to be around. Alexis, Sharales, Novus, Thallia, Solix... are all amazing people and I couldn't ask for better friends. But Isa's my... partner. My soulmate. My other half that I wish I met earlier in my life. She's come to mean everything to me and then more... and I'm so happy that, despite everything we've been through, that we can both bring each other joy. It helps so much, even if everything hurts.
I still miss my father. I wish he could've met her before he... Yeah. I know he would've loved her like family too.
... so yeah. There you go. It's official. I'm dating Isa. That's kinda why I've been 'busy' for the last month. Just spending time with her, so...
But... of course, I didn't make an entire log to gush over Isa. I'd totally do that, but unfortunately I have some other stuff to talk about that... has me... constantly overthinking things. So, I just wanted to share it so I can try compartmentalize things, I guess. I mentioned last time that Sharales has been focused on some stuff regarding the Crimson Venators, and I asked him to bring me along next time Dawn drags him into something, and... so he did. Yesterday, the four of us went - Isa, Sharales, Novus and myself, all to some long system that I can't remember the very lengthy name of.
It was a position struck in the war with Paladin though. A system that they linked their logistics through. Back then, our intel suggested that some of these systems hosted parts of their darknet, but even trying to locate the exact physical locations felt impossible. However, this time, Dawn sent us on a little mission to one of these facilities. He didn't come with - obviously... probably out of fear because last time, Dawn almost got killed by one of his own team members when the first op went bad. Yeah... I didn't mention that last time or go into much detail but it happened. He survived... unfortunately.
Controlling my emotions when we met him and his 'companion' was... difficult. I'm not going to say I was very successful but... the guy ordered the hit on my father. And you'll get to hear the real kicker in a moment. But, basically, the mission was to go in to some underground military facility on one of the planets in the system, upload a jailbreaker application Dawn provided to the comms network without being detected, and then get out of there, since after being compromised, they cut off Dawn's access to Venator comms. Only, we didn't really stay undetected, and... we found something else before then.
A video... of my father meeting with Dawn...
Yeah. I don't want to believe it either but... it's not faked. The mannerisms... the visuals. It's all too accurate. Makes it hurt all the more...
The video was dated the 9th. Two days before they killed him. Dawn confronted my father about the information he withheld about the Federation and that corrupt group. He gave a name too, they're apparently called the 'Syn Group' or... something. Like... the name of someone. Not the word 'sin'. He kept confronting my father about what he 'knew'. He even pushed as far as to say he knew about the 'secret weapons project', just not its full extent... whatever that means. It was very ambiguous...
But no matter what Dawn said... my father refused to tell him. Then... Dawn... threatened my family. Threatened to go after me...
... and my... my father...
... I still remember it word for word...
... My father said... "She doesn't matter anymore. Do what you will. This conversation is over."
S-so yeah. Cool... feels just great. I don't know what to think of it, honestly. Just look at me... I'm a total [#$@!]-up... Family doesn't even like me anymore. I'm a [#$@!]ing mess emotionally. I... ugh. [#$@!].
...
Well, Isa's not going to be happy if or when she sees this log. I'm sorry.
... At least she makes me feel better... I love her so much. Should probably stop... beating myself up over this... It's not that big of a deal... right?
So yeah. Not much happened after we [#$@!]ed up at the facility. Just your traditional firefight with remnant Paladin mercenaries. At least it was the three of us, and we had all our gear with us. Took us just a few minutes to fight our way back out of the outpost. Novus cleared the skies for us with his Corvette and... yeah. Not much more to it than that. Once we'd broken through, we took Sharales' ship back to the system we met Dawn at, and...
... Yeah, the confrontation wasn't that great. I tried to keep my cool, we told him what happened... but then he started to go on about how we keep [#$@!]ing this up, and... blah blah. So I punched him. Once, quick and easy. I guess he didn't really see it coming, because even with all the body armor and the reinforced helmet, he still went stumbling back. And yes... my hand still [#$@!]ing hurts, but it was worth it.
We told him and showed him a copy of the video we downloaded. The evidence was basically irrefutable, but naturally he tried to shrug it off. Got angry that we deviated from the 'mission parameters' or... whatever he said. I just know that the others weren't very impressed, and I think he kinda realized that it was him and his 'friend' versus the four of us, so he quickly gave in before we did anything. Said that he did meet with my father, but only because he was desperate to know what information he withheld.
Apparently, he tried to meet with my father after the Venators figured out he was the whistleblower... the person collecting all that information about this 'Syn Group'. They were going to kill him anyway, and told Dawn to pull it off, but before he did, he tried to meet with my father... and this video was the result of it. But, interestingly, Dawn didn't record the video. He didn't seem to know about it at all. So, who did?
Anyway... after my father wouldn't tell him anything he wanted to know... Dawn got pissed and my father broke off the meeting. Two days later they... yeah. Killed him.
...
Sucks, I guess... This galaxy's an awful but... beautiful place... sometimes. Takes so much and gives so much more. But maybe that's not always true.
That's the thing I'm scared about with Isa. To lose her. As dark as it sounds... what other reasons do I have to keep living? The squadron... sure, I guess. But... as was obvious when Quinton 'died', the squadron doesn't really need an SC to function. So... the list of 'reasons to live for' is kind of short for me right now. Yeah, it sounds awful. I don't care really. It's true. And I'm not trying to pin this on Isa, like she's the only thing keeping me going but... ugh.
I don't know...
... I'm sorry. I just feel kinda down after this op. Hearing what my father said about me. I don't know what he meant... if he was trying to trick Dawn into thinking he didn't care about me so he wouldn't go after me or... if this 'secret weapon project' really means more to him than family, whatever it is in the end. Either way... it got the point across. My family doesn't want me around. That's fine. Last thing I'm doing is going back to get his box or whatever, and then they can go [#$@!] themselves. Done with this.
Starting to count the days until the squadron goes on this expedition trip. I, once again, need a [#$@!]ing distraction from all of this. Forgot to mention last time that the trip is supposed to celebrate two years of continued squadron operation. Stuff just keeps slipping my mind and... yeah. I don't know what's up with me lately. Think I'll stop recording this log and just go hang out with Isa or something. Violet's still aboard the carrier, doing her studies and whatnot. Hopefully the expedition trip isn't going to interfere with any of that, but if it does, we'll make a plan.
... y'know... I guess I can add Violet to that 'reasons to live for' list. She's sweet, and... needs a support structure after everything that's happened to her. She doesn't speak about Styx much but... last thing I want to do is probe. She's young and lost her father too. All three of us have... but I can't imagine how she feels. Having a whole life ahead of her, and then her father is ripped away right in front of her.
...
... okay, think that's enough said this time around. Sorry for the partially 'moody' log. Feel like I keep getting kicked in the teeth repeatedly, but... yeah. Isa's there for me, at least. I love her so much. She... helps keep things in perspective for me. So I'll probably... go hang out with her now or something. Take my mind off stuff.
Thanks for listening and... yeah. Thanks. See ya.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDRs Isabella Levine, SpectreKryik and Novus for allowing me to use their character in the story!
INARA page here.