LOG #098 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
09 Feb 2022Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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LOG: #098
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: T.O.C. Solaris (Drake-class Carrier, Q4V-40N)
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Hey.
So I know last time I kinda dropped the bombshell that I was dating Isabella and then just went quiet. I'm sorry. Just... I dunno, really. I've kinda felt too demotivated to make logs lately and... well... it's entirely me. Ever since I found that video and heard what my father said... I've been playing it on repeat in my head. Isa said that maybe he was just trying to act like he didn't care so... maybe Dawn wouldn't go after me or... something.
I don't know. It hurts, I guess, but on the other hand Isa's probably right. It got me thinking a lot... about things. About myself. Who I really am. And Isa and I have had these conversations that further that, and sometimes I doubt my stability or... whether I've done the right things in the end. Did Quinton know whether or not I was the right person for SC? Or did he just take a leap of faith, based off my father's assumptions, to give it all to me?
I guess that's how I became a Commander in the first place. Thanks to my father. After he revealed that he was a Commander too - holding the status of triple Elite nonetheless - it got me thinking about how easy the evaluation process was for me. How quickly my license came around. Was that him? Both him and Quinton had a fairly high status in the Pilots' Federation. So did they both pull strings to make this possible, just for me?
... That makes me feel even more... 'fake'. Like the fact that none of this is really mine. Sure... maybe I've done good for the squadron, but I didn't achieve any of this myself. I got it handed to me, like some spoilt brat. I don't know if I really deserve any of this, in the end. I... admittedly a part of me loves the position, but... the other part of me is starting to recognize the toll it's taking. Like, trial by fire. Throw Aurora into the deep end and see if she sinks or swims.
... and I'm swimming right now, but for how long? One day, maybe it'd be nice to just sink. Give up this responsibility that I still don't know if I'm ready for or not. I should know that answer by now, but I don't. I just take it one day at a time and see what turns up the next. I don't want to give up but... it's hard, y'know? It's really hard, some days. Isa does make me feel better though... but I'm scared. Deep down inside.
Because I don't know how long this will last. If it will last at all. If either of us will... survive another targeted attack from the Crimson Venators... or the various hazards the galaxy offers. I want to be with her for, y'know... forever... but I know that's a naive thought. I also don't want to prepare for any 'eventuality'... I just want to spend my time with her. Not spend it worrying about 'what if's'. We all... die... eventually.
... and that's what I'm scared about. Part of me thought I'd maybe one day strike it rich with a security job or whatever. Settle down with the person I love... and then live the rest of my life peacefully. But no - not in a galaxy like this. Not as a Commander. Not in a profession where you have to purposefully put yourself in danger. Not when you never know if tomorrow might be your last.
Feels like I'm stuck, I guess. Don't get me wrong... I said I love this position. But even if I wanted to, I literally can't give it up. I'd have to sell the squadron, and God knows who'd buy it. If they'd keep it following the original vision. So... I guess me - your slightly unstable, young, inexperienced SC - is the better option right now... even if some days it's a struggle.
Well... to say I'm looking forward to this upcoming squadron trip is a huge understatement. I literally can't [#$@!]ing wait... ugh. Need to de-stress and everything again. But... putting all my worries aside, at least I have Isa. My beautiful other half. Even when she has her own struggles, she's there. And I'll be damned if I don't spend as much time with her as possible... because clingy Aurora doesn't know how to let go if she needs to.
...
... I don't know why I'm speaking in third-person. What is up with me lately...?
Sorry. It's stupid... I just don't feel very 'me' anymore. I haven't for a while, but it always seems to get... worse. Like I'm some kind of [#$@!]ty video-game character who's constantly put through these exhaustive trials again and again, all for... what? Starting to lose who I really am, I guess. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. Maybe I'd be less anxious and paranoid.
Anyway... I forgot to mention that there was an... 'incident' two weeks ago. Some kind of communications fault aboard the Solaris. Didn't actually realize it at all but it was only remedied like... five days ago. Nothing really impactful on the regular networks, but stuff like G.R.I.D, our Internal Affairs network and apparently CSF's tactical network went down. Maintenance teams think it's normal equipment failure, but CSF thinks it was sabotage, probably by the Venators but...
... While I do kinda believe that, there's also no permanent damage and no new attacks, so what's the point of going after them? I want nothing to do with them. They'll end up tearing themselves apart anyway at this rate, so why bother? No point, in the end. CSF was going to hold an internal investigation but I told them not to bother. I want to make sure this new trip is a success and we can't have that if we need to postpone it just so they can 'determine' things. We'll be far enough away from the bubble anyway, doubt they'd follow us... and there's no way they're hiding on board anyway.
So, yeah. Admittedly... despite all I'm saying, I do feel okay. Just ranting, I guess. It's been a few stressful days for no particular reason... I just keep thinking about my father. I really miss him so much. I'd... I'd give anything just to see him one more time. Just one more time... and not in a video.
I still do need to go get those things from my parent's place... but I'm still scared about it and haven't bothered. Might not have a chance to with the expedition trip... though the first few phases are still local to the bubble, so I could. I'll see. Doubt I will.
Knowing them, they probably threw away his stuff anyway. So, it's whatever. Should really go check anywa-...
...
Ah, I gotta go. Damn. Forgot that I had to meet with the operations crew again today to discuss any final changes to our fuel preparations and all that. Oh well... Better go then.
Thanks for listening, I suppose. Hopefully, I'll have some nice stuff to share along the trip.
See ya.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDR Isabella Levine for allowing me to use their character in the story!
INARA page here.