LOG #100 - Commander A. Adair - TITAN Contractors
24 Feb 2022Aurora Adair (Radiumio)
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LOG: #100
RECORDING TYPE: Personal Log LOG PUBLICISED
What does Log Publicised mean?
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
In our squadron lore, these logbooks are not supposed to be publicly viewable by Commanders. However, in some circumstances, a log may be compromised OR publicised, allowing it to be considered publicly viewable - in this case, the information within can be used for story or discussion purposes in-character. Compromised implies the logbook has been leaked, whereas publicised means the logbook has been willingly released for story purposes.
RECORDING LOCATION: Templar (Krait Phantom, TR-03X)
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Heya.
So... wow... Uh...
I don't even... really know how to start this one off. I only realized this was my 100th logbook as I started recording it so... Damn. How time flies.
Uhm... Okay. Well, I... uh... sheesh, this is off to an amazing start. Sorry. I've had a lot of my mind the last few days, thought the trip would help me think about other stuff but... then some stuff happened and... I don't really... fully understand what's happening to me. I did something that I wasn't in control of... I think... and it almost made me lose my life. Yep... so... look away if you're not interested or ready to hear that kind of stuff.
... Guess I'll start with how that happened. What a great topic to start my 100th logbook off with. I feel like I should be celebrating or something, but... yeah... what's the point?
Anyway, Isabella and I have been exploring along the trip route, with the carrier that's currently leading the expedition's first phase. Last time I spoke about something they called the... uh... the 'Amalgamation'... basically four murdered Solaris crew members were stuffed into a [#$@!]ing cargo canister and... it still bothers me... a lot. And then people were calling me out... basically demanding I issue a statement about it when all I really wanted to do was just break away and try... 'find myself' again, as dramatic as that sounds.
I just didn't really want to face the possibility of this year being a total repeat of last year. And with our current heading, it seems like it's going to be that way again, so... I thought if I just ignored it and avoided anything to do with the Crimson Venators, that it'd go away and... yeah. I know that's a stupid thought to have. It was just wishful thinking and... we know how that goes around here. So, two days after I released my last logbook on the 14th, they opened an investigation into the 'Amalgamation'.
Basically... they... uh... Well, they found some data in the network connected to the same cargo bay that the canister was found in. Some encrypted stuff left behind that someone clearly wanted us to find. I was still trying to stay away from it, but as usual we got dragged straight back in when we figured out that it wasn't the Venators at all. It was something or... someone else entirely. Nothing about the data matched their doctrine or style, or anything really.
That became even more apparent when they decrypted it on the 18th. And... the contents just basically threw the entire Solaris carrier into utter panic. People were losing their minds and... questioning me... whether I'm still loyal to the squadron... as well as my... 'audacity to abandon the squadron again'... just because I was on a trip with my partner, trying to relax. The data was just a threat against the squadron again, but... a tangible one.
It said something like 'we would serve as the perfect test subjects' for some project... that our 'demise is nigh'... whatever. That kind of stuff. I'd shrug it off as some random, fearmongering words... if they hadn't killed four Solaris crew members in such a brutal manner. And unsurprisingly, it gets worse from there. First, protests started aboard the carrier against me, that ended up with a protester group of crew being formed. It got so bad that CSF had to arrest some people who were damaging equipment... and in the span of a few hours, the protesters had gathered hundreds of members.
It was literal riots... and even though I wasn't there to see any of it directly, I watched some security footage and read reports... and it was scary. Seeing people that once supported me in total uproar just because I wouldn't say something. Anything. I don't know why I didn't at the time... but even after I had security teams contacting me, practically begging for me to say something to calm down the crew, I refused. I was constantly thinking about it but I never made the effort to release a statement. It didn't make sense why people were behaving like this all of a sudden.
It was just... upsetting. And scary. All I wanted was to relax and spend time with Isa on the trip, and try forget that any of this was happening. We had that going well for some time... but it was always sitting in the back of my mind. And then... something... bad happened... on the 21st.
I have no other way to say it, so I'll just be completely honest with you. I'm not sure if I should really tell others this... and I don't know how it happened or why I did it, but... it started off with us on this beautiful atmospheric planet. I'd spent most of our morning hanging out with Isa and Violet, but the news about the Solaris was bothering me, so I said to her that I'd go for a quick walk. Now, I landed in fairly mountainous terrain, but we were on a flat plateau, surrounded by ravines. I had my exploration suit to move around with, so I'd be fine... right?
Apparently not. I was... walking along. Thinking about stuff. I was upset but truly, I just wanted some silence for a bit. Nothing else, then I planned to go back to the ship. But I got to this deep ravine and I just... stood there at the edge. Stared down into the darkness. I don't know for how long... but I just stood there. And all I remember is taking a step... and then I found myself just metres above the ground...
I...
... I tried to kill myself, I guess. Hit the ground before I could fire my suit pack and I ended up fracturing my right leg in the fall.
The worst part is I don't even know why I jumped. I need to emphasize that I... I would have never jumped. I've thought about... y'know... killing myself in the past... when I was in a darker mental space. Almost did once, but then Isa came into my life... and everyone else. It made me have another perspective on things. Made the future look bright and... made me realize that no matter how bad stuff gets, I have friends I can rely on. A family to me.
So I don't know why I jumped. I wasn't even that upset. Not a single thought like that crossed my mind the entire day. It was just so... sudden. Almost like I lost consciousness and couldn't remember what happened. I took a step and then... I was just laying there. Couldn't really move, and my leg was screaming. Broke my PDA in the fall, and the suit was a bit damaged...
Thankfully I was still able to contact Isa through the suit's backup comms. If it wasn't for her, I... I wouldn't have made it out of that ravine. I still don't know why it happened... I hope you can believe me when I say I would never do something like this. It... It would affect the squadron... destroy Isa. I can't let that happen. Can't just... do that to her either.
So... thankfully, it wasn't much worse. She helped stabilise my leg until we got back to the carrier, and had a BLUSTAR team meet us there. They had to put me under for surgery but... it wasn't that bad, actually. It was quick and easy, and although I still can't really walk on my leg all that well, they said it should heal fine as long as I don't hurt it again for now.
At least it doesn't hurt as much as it used to... guess I got lucky or something. I figure the fracture could've been way worse if I'd just landed slightly different or... hadn't tried to slow down at the last second. So yeah. Now you know. Still wish I could understand why I jumped. It was almost like I was pushed to do it... not like I did it on my own.
I dunno. Doesn't make sense, I guess. Almost ruined the trip for me and Isa because of this but... she's been really understanding and... we've still been able to go out and see stuff. Occasionally, she'll help me into my suit and we'll go out for a walk together. It's nice, despite everything. After what happened, Isa and I had a conversation and I worked up the courage to finally make a statement... which did calm down the protests a little. Not enough, because CSF still had to step in and perform a bunch of arrests but... yeah. Hopefully we've moved on from that now.
But, of course, it doesn't end there... since the investigation is still on-going. The information uncovered in the data that started the protests also had coordinates, apparently... and on the 22nd a CSF team was sent out to investigate it. Long story short, we're not being attacked by the Crimson Venators. It's someone completely different that we haven't ever encountered before. The data came from an abandoned surface installation in some random system that I can't remember the name of... but it was one of the systems used by Paladin Interstellar before they were dissolved.
They didn't let me watch any of the footage regarding the operation, because it was apparently quite sensitive... but whoever we're dealing with is not messing around. Because... to add ontop of the four deaths previously, they found twenty dead Solaris crew members in the facility. Twenty [#$@!]ing crew members that were never even reported missing.
I read the report and... some of them were... 'prepared' just like the Amalgamation was. All disfigured and... [#$@!]. Can't talk about this. Makes me sick. Sorry.
The strike team, except for two of their support team, made it out alive, some injured. Their team leader claimed that they were 'given' a PDA by one of the enemy, but so far it's still being investigated... and I haven't heard anything about it since. I should probably be paying a bit more attention to this all, but... yeah. I just want to truly take some time to myself now, and spend it with Isa... until my leg heals, then I guess I don't really have an excuse to keep avoiding everything.
So, I guess... with everything considered - despite me almost killing myself for reasons I don't even know - I'm doing okay. Scared, but okay. Mainly because I don't know what this year has in store for me... or the squadron. And also because it seems... bizarre to me... that I can't remember why I jumped. But I don't, so I guess I just have to live with the fact that I might not understand why I did it. I can't lose control like that again. But that's the thing... I didn't feel anything, until I... y'know... hit the ground. I never wanted to jump. So I just... I don't know what happened...
100th logbook... and this is what I decide to talk about...
Putting all that aside then... the trip has still been going smoothly. We've moved onto Guardian sites now... still remember my first time seeing them after Novus took me out on a little journey. That was fun, and... now I get to do it again with Isa. Most of the times we've been having interesting discussions about alien races and stuff, but this is also the first time Violet has seen any of this. She's still tagging along with us, as usual. We've kept her inside the ship because she really doesn't have her own equipment that's capable enough to keep her safe around the site, but she's still been able to enjoy it.
... This all still kinda amazes me, y'know? I went from really rough times to having everything I could possibly want thanks to this squadron. Still figuring out new ways to mess it up, but... y'know... taking it one step at a time. I do enjoy it though. Being able to explore the galaxy. I basically have my own personal babysitter now because Isa just simply refuses to take her eye off me after what happened. But hey... not that I'm complaining...
Ha... okay. I think I've exhausted all I can talk about. Jeez... what a ride all of this has been. Think I'm going to go hang out with Isa and Violet now, and see what they want to do. Planning to just... take some time off, let my leg heal... and then get back to kicking once we figure out what's going on.
Sounds like a plan, I guess. Oh, and... thanks again... to everyone. For being there for me. I appreciate it a lot.
Thank you... see ya around. Byeee.
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Credit:
This story is only possible thanks to our squadron and community. Join TITAN Contractors, a diverse and talented squadron, and experience our custom lore and events. This logbook as well as associated images and story is property of TITAN Contractors, CMDR Radiumio. A special thank you to CMDR Isabella Levine for allowing me to use their character in the story!
INARA page here.