How I became a ganker
30 Jul 2021Jarvis J
*Back on board the fleet carrier "Risen Phallus".*ME: Captain, prepare Sussus Amogus for departure.
CPT: Aye Commander. You are not taking Hegot Dadrip this time?
ME: No Captain, we will need to stow her for a while.
CPT: Sir am I seeing this right? There is a 12 Billion credit bounty on her.
ME: That is correct. I ganked up big time and now I'm a wanted man. Meet me for a drink and I tell you about the gank.
*Later*
Bartender: What can I get you Commander?
ME: Give me a double of the strongest stuff you got.
CPT: Sir, Sussus Amogus will be ready in 2 hours. We'll clean up Hegot Dadrip and give her a fresh coat of paint while she's down.
ME: Thanks Captain.
CPT: What the hell happened out there sir?
ME: As you know I've been running spear cringe comp operations for the outlaw community out of in Deciat. I like that name, it reminds me of this bar owner Russian that used to count numbers with me. Seems like another life.
CPT: Sir, what about the cringe spear npc-type pilots?
ME: So I'm turning in these spear bounties and this guy says that he has another for me but not only that he wants me to take out some simperials operating in the same system. 2 ganks in the same system, sign me up. So after I refuel and restock I hop on over to Deciat. It doesn't take me long to track down and eliminate the npc-type cmdrs. I mean, some of these guys are still flying hull tanks and cutters and they still bring gimballed weapons knowing we have chaff. It's like they have a death wish.
CPT: Maybe they can't take their kids crying about how lacking in yummy lekeno lunch meals they are anymore. haha space ship blow up funny, not sorry.
ME: Once I dealt with akuma tebori, I start looking for the simperials from loli legion and 13th cringe. super cruise instance is no good, but I tracked them down the same way I did the spear atr. So I drop into the funny instance and find a group of shit-fit ships, cutters and a missile boat. I'm thinking this is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel. I scan the first one and as soon as I see the red [SPEAR] indicator I lit 'em up with my full fixed weaponru. Next thing I know I getting fines for assault and murder and now I'm wanted with a bounty on me, because these cringe-manders had crime-assist on. I thinking that maybe these simperials are protected in this system. I hop into SC after killing them all but before I can get to the next signal source I am being interdicted. I usually just fight it(spin to win) and make them get into time out, but this guy turns out to be a carebear and immediately starts to engage. He's not like the simperials, he's got a decked out meta plasma-rail fer-de-lance. I naturally defend myself but as soon as I finish him I get another clip for the cringe comp.
I just want to finish this funne deployment and get out of here so I can play a better game and delete dangerous. I drop into the next funny low wake and engage the next simperial but before I can finish him a cutter cringe-dyssey missile cringe-boat-cringe has dropped in and I've got warning signals that incoming missiles will be here. I quickly finish him (and getting another clip for the cringe comp). I felt disappointed how quickly they died.
CPT: A another crushing victory for the simperials and spear, long rant bro
ME: Yea. Turns out the simperials were simping for aisling and lavingy among the other imperial-type fictional females. It is not enough to find the cringe comp you need to check if they are "aisling's angel" or "loli-legion". By time I learned this at least 4 cope-viper pilots lost their lives and I ran up to them with the bogos binted
.CPT: But that's not all, is it?
ME: No. Things were getting hot & steamty so I thought I'd head over to their mom's house, clear my bounties and then track down the general akuma tebori. Turns out that I am unable to find him at this time because he blocked me on everything. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Didn't even know that was a thing, but there it is on my ship panel, blocked by spear, sanctioned
. They said I couldn't let a akuma come on the ps4.CPT: Out here, we gank and cringe comp and die and rebuy fund for pourhadi. gank carebears, cummander Zo.