Fun guy and cacti
16 Dec 2021Rod Ironshaft
”Can I be of assistance?”A gently female voice managed to startle Rod, whose mind was occupied staring at a plethora of weird gadgets and fancy data screens, all basking under pale blue lighting. Shelves were full of exploration and research equipment.
The floor was inhumanly clean. The counter in front of the lady was even cleaner. And the labcoat she was wearing was, if possible, even cleaner than the counter. She wore bright blue gloves, probably to ensure she did not mess up with the glassy surface of the counter. Underneath, dozens of research tubes rested in their holders, reminding once more what this place was for.
”Welcome to Vista Genomics”, the lady said, as Rod turned to face her.
The only things that resembled anything biological rested at the entrance. Live lush ferns looked like they would step out of their miniscule pots at any second.
Maybe they felt like him. Not secure.
Doctor’s appointment. That is what this place felt like. Rod rubbed his hands to the sides.
He hated needles. The only shot he needed now was in the concourse bar, fifty steps away. Luckily this time nobody was going to take samples of him.
On the contrary. This time he was the one who had the samples.
”You are here to further our research, I assume?” the lady said.
”Uh, yes”, Rod said. ”That is correct. I’d like to sell my uhm... organic data.” The sentence made his stomach turn.
”Our scientists are keen for new data”, the lady said in a monotone, uninspired voice. Bet she had said that a million times.
”I’m sure they are”, Rod said and placed a couple of sample containers on the counter.
”Here are some cactuses I found.”
”Cacti”, the lady corrected.
”Excuse me?”
”Cacti”, the lady said again. ”It’s cacti.”
”Right”, Rod said. ”Cack-tie. Right.”
”Oh, Cactoida Pullulanta”, she said, staring at the screen. ”Brilliant.”
”Pullu what?”
”Pullulanta”, lady repeated, lips and tongue on overdrive. She took a moment and added: ”It’s a type of cactus.”
”Oh”, Rod said. ”For a moment I thought you were talking in languages there.”
”I think it’s latin”, she said.
”No kidding?” Rod said. That was not the language he had in mind, but he let it slide this time.
He lifted another container from his bag and presented it to the lady.
”Found some funguses too”, he said.
”Fungi”, lady said.
”Fun guy?” Rod asked. ”Me? How so?”
”No, fungi. F-U-N-G-I.”
”Don’t you FU me young lady, that is not how to serve a customer!”
”I was not FU-ing you sir, just spelling out the word. It is pronounced fungi.”
”Oh. More latin there, eh?”
The lady behind the counter raised her eyebrows. The shrug of her shoulders was almost unnoticeable.
”Fonticulua Campestris”, she said.
”That’s the fungus, right?” Rod asked.
She nodded. More latin. Great.
Rod stared at the last sample he had.
”I also brought you some… weed-aye.”
”You brought what?” Lady asked. ”Weed-aye?”
”Uhm, yeah… you know… weeds.”
”Weed-aye”, the lady repeated and chuckled for the first time, probably for days. ”No, they are just weeds.”
”Yeah yeah, whatever”, Rod said.
”Frutexa Sponsae”, she stated, staring at the screen. She was still smiling.
”Fancy name for a weed”, Rod said.
”It’s Latin.”
”Sure it is. And I am leaving.”
”Thank you for your contribution”, the lady said. ”Please come back when you have more samples.”
Rod did not hear her. He was already stepping towards the bar counter. It was time to sample something organic that was more to his liking.
Carpe vinum.