Logbook entry

Reflection

03 May 2016PoeTheWonderCat
I find myself spending less and less time in the bubble and more time out in the black. I keep my comm channel open to talk to the other space cats from time to time, but sometimes I fear I'm drifting away from reality out here.
I'm looking for something in the darkness. The Space Cat watches me as I look, unimpressed by human concerns. What it is I look for I don't know, but it's not in the ebb and flow of galactic politics and it's not back where I grew up. It's not where I gave everything away.

I don't talk about my life back planetside. It hurts too much. Maybe it's still too fresh. Maybe I'm just a big baby and I need to get over myself. Well I'll try.

Her name was Alison. We grew up in the same town but I didn't know her until our last year of school. We were both shy and the world was a scary place. Still is. More so nowadays but we never thought about the future. We had each other and that was enough. It took a long time to gain each others trust. We were happy for a while. She helped me learn to appreciate nature and music and family. I helped her through some rough spots, a lot of emotional growing pains, but in doing so I ignored my own problems. I pushed them away and inadvertently put them on her.

She ended up being the adult in an ever increasingly co-dependent relationship. She kept a steady job she hated. I could barely keep a job for more then a year. We eventually got married, not because we were IN love, although we did love each other. We were best friends and we clung to each other like drowning sailors. But in the end we were just going through the motions.

Bills mounded up and we started to see each others flaws. Friends help each other and I know I wasn't carrying my share of the load. She didn't know anything else but being with me so she put up with more shit from me than any sane person should. In time I drew away from her because I knew something was wrong, something didn't work anymore. I didn't know how wrong until she told me she was gay. I wasn't too surprised, but it hurt all the same. I lost a connection, my guiding light. I didn't belong anymore, if I ever did at all  and it pulled on me so hard that I had to let go. I quit another dead-end job and I left without saying goodbye. I took the standard sidewinder loan and I headed to the black.

Odd jobs shipping cargo, shooting belt rats and even a little mining got me out of debt and eventually into an Asp, but it was the Church of the Space Cat that really helped me through it. I thought they were crazy at first. Then I found out they ARE crazy. But we all are in a way. Now they tell me their stories and I help them figure out the greater meaning behind the Great Space Cat. I like being able to help someone, and I am grateful for all the help they have given me. I feel like I belong for the first time in a long time. The irony is they look to me for a rational, level-headed point of view, when I feel more blind and lost with every passing day.

In the end I always retreat back into the black. The stars are beautiful but cold. The old sadness creeps in and I think of what I left behind. It really wasn't that long ago. I send her a message every once in a while, but she doesn't write back. I hope she's happy. I hope she has someone. Someone better than I ever could be.

The stars burst into streaks of blue and gold and red, then run watery and hot. But still they are so cold.
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