Entry 10, Decompression
18 Feb 2021Irishdavo
Logbook Entry 10, Cmdr IrishdavoAfter the events of the past week, I needed to decompress, I was not fit to be around people.
The struggle that I alluded to in my last entry about the actions that I was forced to carry out due to the attack on our home, led me to question my very place in the cosmos. This questioning had taken me away from people in general as much as from those that I love, I do not feel worthy of being in human company, I hate what they must see when they look at me... I took on a material gathering mission for a few days, ironically enough, so that I will be in a position to engineer an even more efficient and effective killing machine, as if I was not one already.
With Cmdr DBD in command of the DILLIGAF, we jumped in search of materials, and I dived head first in to passenger missions. I wanted to bring joy to people instead of death... Truthfully though, I wanted to see if I was as good at that as I appear to be at killing. I guess I was hoping that I would find my old self out there in the black and I kind of did, but not in the way that you might think.
A simple, yet profound series of events culminated in me doing some time in a penitentiary and while there I had a premonition, I needed to be that ruthless, efficient killer, at the time... Not all of the time! This gave me a little peace, and I know that it seems simple, but I realised that even though I ended up in prison, I was enjoying ferrying people on the trip of a life time and I fed off of their humanity I guess. The end result is that while I don't like what I became during the civil war, I know he needed to be there at that time, and actually, it is a little comforting to know that I can call on that side of myself if the need arises in the future, I just needed to learn how to retire him when no longer needed.
I feel more comfortable now in my own skin and I have found that part of myself that control the warrior. This has been a good trip!
The trip itself has been productive also from a material point of view, I made back the cost of the Asp and then some, so the funds are more than liquid at the moment, and materials wise, I am in good shape considering I had none coming out.
The Dilli is preparing to jump back home where I will continue the materials hunt, I no longer feel the need to be separate from society...
Go n'eiri libh