How I Got Here: "War Is Hell"
10 Aug 2022Columbuss
Commander Justin Estok. Stardate 10-AUG-3308."This is just the beginning..."
It's called the Thousand Yard Stare. If you're not familiar, you can look it up on Galnet. It's not the kind of thing you see or know about until you already have it. Once you have it, you know it's less of a look and more of a condition. It happens after a person see's combat on a large scale. It's the result of endless ponderings over why you survived and others didn't. It's an empty expression that settles in on your face that tells people who know how to look for it that you've seen more than they'd probably be comfortable asking about.
Only so much of surviving a large scale conflict lies in skill. Some of it's just dumb luck. Like when you pull your ship to the port side and the ship piloted by the person you shared a drink with the night before takes a missile hit directly in front of you, vanishing in a flash of light and flame, because he pulled to starboard. It's not because you KNEW a missile was coming. It’s because you didn’t know a missile was coming.
These are the thoughts that cause the thousand yard stare. These are the things you think about while you sit on the deck of Gilleken Terminal watching flight crews evaluate the bullet holes on the exterior of your ship that somehow didn't rip through the cockpit and cut you in half. These are your thoughts while you drop the cigarette, that made little burn marks on your fingers, under your boot. It's not until John walks up, handing you a cup of coffee, that you even bother to look up.
"This is just the beginning," he says. "We made a statement today."
"Are they still out there?" I ask.
"The Dynasty Fleet? Yeah, but they pushed off. Heading for A3 it looks like. To regroup. I'm calling for the council to meet. I want to go after them if they're on the run."
"You wanna chase them? With what John? There's barely anyone left."
"There's more coming all the time. After today, they'll come flooding in now that they know there's something to fight for. My people are done being slaves. You're not losing your nerve are you?"
"You know I'll go with you to the end."
"A true Child of the Twin Suns. I wish I had a hundred more like you."
I'd remind John I wasn't born here, but unlike me, he's riding a high on what he considers a victory and it seems cruel.
The thousand yard stare is about dissociation. You have to learn to distance yourself from the kinds of things you see on a battle field. New attachments, friendships, any kind of relationship seems like a waste of energy. In war, everything is temporary. So you stare, blankly, as bodies are carried through the flight deck of pilots or copilots who somehow managed to make it back. You talk a little louder so the other person can hear you over the screams of pain. You know you have it when a friends blood is pooling on the deck and when it reaches your boots, you take a step back.