Personal Log - 22 November 3306
22 Nov 2020Quriosyty
"In that book which is my memory,On the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you,
Appear the words, 'Here begins a new life'."
When does life begin? I don't mean from a biological perspective, we could discuss that until the end of time and never reach consensus. I mean when do we reach that point where we acknowledge that we have purpose; a calling if you will? Something which convinces us that we are no longer merely existing but have direction, focus, something to aim for. A life!
For some that may well be the day they were born. Others may point to some moment or event which changed them. Others still may point to many such moments and conclude that their life has begun over many times. And there will always be those who feel that their life has yet to begin, those who merely exist without purpose.
For me it began the day I met Her.
Of course I didn't actually meet her. I only saw her, and for just one moment our eyes met. Yet in that moment it felt to me as if we were meeting, for the first time, but not the last. It's fanciful I know, but it has had a lasting effect on me. And it has drawn me back here, to Cemiess, the place of my birth and the place of my rebirth, of my very own 'vita nuova'.
Aisling Duval is a little younger than me and an imperial princess. She too grew up in Cemiess but our paths were never really likely to cross. When my parents dragged me off to Dav's Hope I don't think I even knew she existed. But three years after my return my grandparents took me to the esplanade for the annual parade and she was there.
She was there with her father and the crowds were cheering wildly as the promenade led them through the assembled masses. They waved and smiled and tossed the occasional fancy into the throng. But mostly they just looked regal, and a little pompous if I am to be honest. I was not entirely thrilled to be there. I was still grieving the loss of my parents and, I am sad to admit, was not coping at all well. If I was unhappy, my thinking went, then everyone else deserved to be unhappy too. And so I did my best to make everyone else unhappy. I was fifteen, I was grieving and I was bloody well going to wallow in it. As the Duvals passed close by I deigned to look up at them, determined to scowl disapprovingly in their direction. And that was when I saw her.
I was captivated.
She didn't see me at first. She was looking toward her father, but he was still smiling distractedly into the crowd. Something in Aisling's expression wiped the scowl from my face. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen and a princess, yet in her eyes there seemed to be a deep sadness, a longing for something lost or unfullfilled. I simply couldn't take my eyes off her. I don't know how long I stood there staring, or what expression had replaced my scowl, but just before the cavalcade swept her away she turned and looked at me. I don't mean she looked in my direction. She looked at me, right into my eyes. And then she smiled. Not a forced smile or something appropriately polite, but a smile that pierced my anger and unhappiness and lit me up inside. And for just one moment, one brief second, it felt as if she understood my loss; as if she understood me.
I know this is fanciful. But that was how she made me feel. And right then, right there, I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Somehow her smile, our moment of connection, of recognition, of kindredship if you will, had lifted the veil clouding my mind. Perhaps she had seen the same sadness and longing in my eyes that I had supposed I'd seen in hers. Perhaps I misread the moment. Either way it proved to be a catalyst for me.
Some might even call it an epiphany.