Home Away from Home
07 Mar 2022Lily Flemmon
Hey everyone, I know it’s been a while. I had to take a break from writing logs because losing Ronni has hit me really hard. The hour of chaos that followed hit everyone at CTAC really hard too, even the people who had never met her. Suddenly everyone realized our home wasn’t safe, and we all looked to the Director for a course of action, and he put new protocols in place to allow military-significant data to be accessible by all CTAC members on the station. “We’ve all known for a long time that this day would come, and there’s no way we could have prepared ourselves fully, but the truth is, we’re definitely prepared enough.”Of course, I can’t share details here, but we’re defended a lot better now. Enough that even an operative like Silas wouldn’t have been able to leave the ring before we got to him. About 3% of the membership have completed “garden guardian” training, with another 14% in progress. The training covers basic combat and agricultural resourcefulness, and while I didn’t help write the training manuals, I hear they were inspired by my “undefeated guile in military operations.” Military-significant projects have leapt forward, with many reaching completion. CTAC has had things worth protecting for a long time, and now we finally have the ability to protect them.
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I’m currently off-station, and I will be for a while. CTAC has commissioned a Dolphin fitted as a diner, the CTAC Cuisinier. The remodel took a few days, but was well worth it- the only surfaces in the dining area that were left stock Saud Kruger were the treads of the stairs leading to the observation deck. Many of the new surfaces were made of various types of wood, some imported from 21 Draco A 3, some grown on-station, and a few surfaces imported from elsewhere.
The mission of the Cuisinier is an experiment of sorts, first to see if we can create a rich, open, and inclusive social environment with only a handful of actual CTAC members, and second, to see if we can get that culture to spread and become established in another community. Whether or not we’re successful, it’s bound to be a good time. Our head chef is Robert “GuyRD” Dimitri, with sous chef Crane Stephens, both considered two of the most skilled chefs CTAC has- and that’s saying a lot. Our server is Magnolia Hawthorne, who is mentioned in earlier entries of mine that have been cleared for public release, and in charge of all beverages we have Mirabella McKay, the most skilled bartender on the whole station.
For our first long-term docking of the Cuisinier, CTAC deferred to my judgment, and I chose the T.O.C. Solaris, the base of operations of Titan Contractors. If anyone needs a better sense of community and camaraderie, it’s the crew of a carrier that’s effectively been under covert siege for several months, enduring physical attacks, cyberattacks, and psychological warfare. The Director raised an eyebrow at my decision to make the Cuisinier’s first mission such a difficult one. I admitted it was somewhat impulsive, as many of my decisions have been lately. His response still rings in my head: “I didn’t say I was questioning it. I know what we’re capable of here, and if this mission fails, and the Solaris keeps cowering in existential anxiety- yes I read your reports- we’ll have learned a lot. But I have high hopes for this mission, and I think you should too.”
Those words rang true on opening night, two days after I first docked on the carrier. It really did feel like home, despite there being over 40 non-CTAC people there. We were deliberately understaffed, and during the dinner rush at the evening shift change aboard the carrier, I had to step in and help wait tables- a skill I barely knew I had. But a few days later, I saw Mirabella teaching a TCON bartender how to make a few of the drinks that proved more popular here, and I heard GuyRD was actually teaching a few CTAC dishes in the kitchen of the Solaris’s mess hall.
But I guess it’s important that I mention my first night aboard the carrier. It had been a long day, I was overwhelmed, and I had forgotten to book guest quarters. I wanted to get away, but I didn’t want to go back home, and most of all, I didn’t want to be alone. Magnolia found me crying on the upper deck of the Cuisinier that night, not wanting to be seen by any TCON personnel.
“Hey, Lily, are you okay?”
“I-“ Lily puts her head in her hands, elbows on the bar. “…No, I’m… I’m really not. I was just starting to feel at home here, and everything was falling into place, and then- then I realized I have to tell them about who I was. Who I used to think I was, and… the body I was stuck in for so long.”
“Isabella and Aurora both seem really understanding, I’m sure it’ll be okay.”
“I know they will, it’s just… I have to tell them. At some point. And I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through the night okay unless I do, because I need to feel at home somehow. I- shit, I haven’t even booked a room yet. Shit.”
She came around the bar and put her hand on my shoulder. “I booked a room with two beds, and the other bed is still available. Would it help if you stayed with me? As long as Phoenix is okay with that.”
“Phoenix has actually been wanting us to be a thing, but… yes. Romantic or not, I’ll need the company.”
“To be clear, this isn’t a proposition, I just- I’m worried about you and I want to help.”
I’m really glad I’m staying with her, because that night I had another nightmare about losing Ronni. It had been a few nights since the last one, and they’d really been wearing down on me mentally. It had gotten to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep, and I still am sometimes. But that night, I woke up sweating and panting, just like every other nightmare, except Mags was right next to me, holding my hand tightly. She helped me calm down, and we slept through the rest of the night in each other’s arms.
OOC: It seemed appropriate to take a hiatus, with Lily having lost her best friend, and also having finally killed her father, Silas. As of this entry's posting, I have also thoroughly gone back and edited/rewritten many of my older entries, even adding a new entry, Out of My Mind. The biggest changes after that point are in the next two entries, "Going After All" and "Deliverance."
I also would like to take a moment to say that Silas's graphic death was a writing decision I made very intentionally. Silas could have had a beautiful redemption arc, and it would have made sense for Lily to let him live and simply capture him, and there'd be a "family reunion" thing, and all that... but that would have sent entirely the wrong message thematically. Silas was a child abuser of one of the worst kinds. He did not deserve anything better than what he got, and Lily deserved to kill him, and to do the honors of freeing herself from the existential threat that was his existence. And in case my dad ever reads this, no Dad, Silas isn't based on you. He's a potent commentary on military fetishism and toxic masculinity.