The Little Things We Learn (Collab with solix414)
16 Mar 2022Lily Flemmon
(Lily's TITAN identification card, included because she's on a Titan Contractors mission for the time being.)
Hey, a little update on the mission of the Cuisinier:
Morale and appetite aboard the Solaris have been improving wonderfully. CTAC's culture of community has proven to be a little infectious after all! A few Commanders have stepped up to occasionally haul supplies from Chilton Terminal to the Solaris to keep the good food going, and it really is wonderful.
I've had a lot of free time recently, and I'd been neglecting to visit the generation ships, which are the focus of this leg of the TRIP Omega. I went to get a look at the Generation Ship Artemis, and... Well, hearing the serial killer horror story its logs tell, it was...
It reminded me of him. Of Silas. When he first realized I wasn't coming back, he went on a killing spree. Something like 10 injured and over 50 dead. I still have access to the footage, although I've asked to be restricted from accessing the audio, for the sake of my own mental health. I've never heard it, but most of it is apparently gunshots and yelling and screaming. It's horrifying even without the audio, and I... I flew back to the Solaris almost mindlessly. I docked, and I started to disembark in the hangar... And I sat down, almost collapsing, on the steps of the Intrepid. I knew right then that this wasn't something I should handle alone. Aurora and Isabella were off the carrier, and I really needed to talk to another Commander I could trust, and at first I couldn't think of anyone on the carrier, but then I thought about Solix Lyrion... I trust him.
I pulled out my comms pad, and sent him a message asking if I could vent. Honestly it had started to feel a bit weird carrying around a mostly-civilian model Supratech comms pad, since everyone else here seems to use Herculean Machines PDAs and data slates. But it was also nice to feel something in my hands that was a bit lighter and, in the words of Herculean Machines ads, "an overpriced bauble." At least it has a holographic projector in it, which only the upper flagship PDA from HM has, and that thing is an absolute brick. So what if it can handle being dropped into the cone of a neutron star? I'm not doing that with my comms pad.
Anyway, enough ranting. I talked to Solix in his ship's slightly upgraded mess hall about the things that were bothering me, and pulled up the footage of my dad's rampage to show him. I basically hit play and I could only watch a little bit of it before I had to look away to keep myself from losing it completely. We were sitting at a table, and I hid my face in my arms for the rest of it. The video ended, at... some point. Solix saw me sobbing quietly across the table from him, and he didn't say or do anything, he just... stayed there. And I guess that's exactly what I needed. Eventually, I pulled myself together enough to get some deep breaths in and start to level my head again. And Solix just sat there, watching silently, a worried but comforting expression on his face. He had gotten me a cup of water earlier, and I downed the rest of it, focusing on the sensation of the cool, refreshing feeling in my throat, and remembering it was a friend who gave me this.
"It's hard for me to watch. There's no audio because I never want to hear it. I have enough sounds that ring in my head when bad thoughts come around." I remembered another video on my comms pad, and I picked up the pad and queued it up. "It's... comforting to know he's dead though. My dad. In fact, it's even more comforting to know I'm the one who killed him. I'm usually enough of a pacifist to avoid killing people if at all possible, but Silas? He deserved to die." I placed the comms pad back on the table, and the holographic projector started playing a new video, much more recent- the helmet camera footage of the false-death EVA stunt I did to kill Silas.
When the video was done, Solix was silent again, but this time more in awe than worried.
I finished my second cup of water, and setting it down, I asked, "Hey, Solix, do you think maybe I'd find more differences between my dad's rampage and what happened on the Artemis if I looked a little closer? Got a smaller ship, got eyes on the airlocks, you know."
"Well, to me it sounds like the Artemis killer was sort of culty, religious even. Thoroughly insane, but there was some sense of higher calling behind it. Silas seems like he was just killing people."
"Well, be glad you never knew Silas. His obsession with militarism seemed pretty religious, honestly. Although the Artemis killer was... creative. Silas wasn't. I bet if I go back there, I'll find some interesting evidence of craftiness that Silas never could have come close to. It'd make this easier to process." I looked over at my friend across the table, smiling gently. "Hey, Solix?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for listening."
"Uhh, you're welcome?"
I was a bit confused for a moment, and I wasn't sure how to respond.
Then Solix spoke up again, "People usually implicitly distrust me, honestly."
"I mean, yeah, I'm a Commander too, I get that, but... even other Commanders?"
"Well, not in the 'oh no he's gonna steal my stuff' sense, but yeah, nobody ever... opens up to me. Ever."
"I mean, you did just kinda sit there and not say anything, so I guess I can understand that, sort of."
"Yeah, I' can be a people person, sure, but actually learning how to help someone through the tough stuff... it's not something I've ever tried to learn. Sorry about that."
"No, it's okay, really, I-" I felt a hitch in my throat, not sure where it was coming from, but only for a moment before it went away. "If I'm being honest, you aren't exactly bad at it."
"I... yeah, again, I don't know." He looked down at his hands on the table for a moment.
"You could learn. Seems like you already know what not to do."
Solix chuckled softly, and a smile flashed across his face, fading quickly.
I knew that face. I knew something big was bothering him, something he habitually ignores, and I had somehow brought it up in this conversation. I couldn't quite place what it was yet, though, but I didn't want to leave him feeling like this. I am the one who brought it up, after all, whatever it was. "You're a good person, Solix. You just don't know how you pull it off, and honestly, that's okay." I got up to leave, but I stopped at the doorway, looking back. "You gonna be okay?"
He sighed. "Yeah, I'll be fine, I just need to order this damn non-standard solenoid for one of my railguns. But, more importantly, if you ever need to talk, I'll be around to, uh, awkwardly sit and listen."
I felt something that seemed a bit weird. I knew I was comfortable around Solix, but this... what was I feeling? I figured if I wanted to know, I should stick around and see where it takes me.
I leaned on the doorframe, and I let myself look back at Solix, smiling fondly and leaning against the doorframe. "Hey now, it wasn't awkward."
He smiled, raising his hands in the air. "Your words, not mine."
I clumsily kept the conversation going. "So, uh, do you need help ordering the solenoid? I'd hope you can do that on your own."
He got up from his seat a the table and got himself some more water. "I'll be fine, but that's gonna have to be a problem for later."
I raised an eyebrow. "Later? What's going on right now?" That feeling, it was... Something about the way he moved was just... I liked it- I liked him- somehow. Somehow I'd never felt before, for anyone.
"Right now? Sleep, or maybe culinary heresy."
I stood back up from leaning against the doorframe and walked toward the table. "Culinary heresy? Oh, do tell." I had a guess now about what I was feeling... hell, I'd heard songs about feeling like this. About guys being attractive. Shit, I... maybe I'm not strictly a lesbian.
"Dumbass idea I had a while back but haven't tried yet... chicken marinated overnight in coffee, then fried in the morning."
I hopped up and sat on the table, letting my legs swing a little. "If it's fun and enjoyable, it's not heresy. Besides, that doesn't sound bad at all."
"Then coffee chicken it is." He left and went to the cockpit, and came back less than a minute later with a pot of coffee. "Krait isn't the only ship with pilot accessible caffeine, this just isn't standard."
"True, but is there really a standard configuration for ships? Excluding Imperial ships, of course, but that's more because of the people who fly them rather than the ships themselves."
"Yeah, I'll give you that one." He chuckled.
I noticed I'd been looking at him kind of a lot, and fondly, for the past couple minutes, and I started to wonder why he hadn't picked up on it. "I've got my moments." I leaned back and supported myself with my arms, swinging my lower legs a bit.
Solix turned around. "You good, Lily?"
Suddenly I was blushing profusely, as I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, and I couldn't stop smiling. "What? Oh- yeah, I'm doing wonderful." Why the hell does hetero attraction have to be so awkward? I hate it. But I also love it. Ugh.
Solix finally picked up on my flirting, now that it had suddenly become incredibly visible. "Ah, uhm..." He didn't blush. It was almost as if the notion of me flirting with him was hurtful.
I started to piece together all the little odd things I'd noticed about him, and I looked away, up at the ceiling. I remembered something Phoenix had told me a year or so ago about what it was like being asexual. It sucks when people just think I don't have empathy when I struggle to relate to relationship stuff. I get it, I just... don't feel it. At least people who are aromantic as well as asexual get that right up front, but then again, it's hard enough for me to get it once in a while, I can only imagine what it's like to get told that regularly.
Suddenly , it all clicked in my head. Solix is a good friend, and he's good at it, but he clearly doesn't think he is, and he's afraid to actively comfort people. he took a long time to pick up on my flirty gestures and all, and most of all, the reaction he had when he did notice it. And I realized that if he experienced any sexual attraction, or even if he were just romantic, it'd probably be obvious by now.
And just like that, I felt differently about him. Suddenly I didn't see him as attractive, I saw him for who he was to me- a friend, and someone I'd just hurt a bit, and someone I could help.
There was silence for a bit as Solix started making the coffee marinade, and I thought about what to say. Before I had really figured it out, though, I felt I had to break the silence, so I started talking. "You know, Solix... you really are a good friend. And just because people get attracted to you in ways you can’t reciprocate when you comfort them, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend. You’re not some cold, emotionally distant machine, and I think you know that. You’re actually one of the warmest people I know, and... I really want you to know that."
Solix froze in place as I spoke, and then set down the coffee pot. "I-" He stammered for a moment, then let out a short sigh. "Thanks."
I sat back up and got off the table. "I mean it, friend. Every word."
"Honestly, I'm more than a little tired. Got about 4 hours of sleep last night, and this whole conversation's been..." he laughed a bit nervously. "It's a lot."
I headed for the door, stopping in the doorway to turn and look back again. "Well, get some rest then. Take good care of yourself, okay?"
"You too, Lily. G'night."
"Oh, and let me know how the chicken turns out."
And with that, I left and headed to my own pursuit-fitted Viper MkIV I'd brought along, since it was the smallest ship I had access to at the moment, to get a closer look at the Generation Ship Artemis.