A Fight with Amnesia (Collab with Igikaizen)
30 Mar 2022Lily Flemmon
SENSITIVE CONTENT WARNING: Discussion of self-injury20 MAR 3308
Hey everyone, it's me again.
It's been 4 months since my trip to Colonia. And for these entire four months, my arrival in Colonia was painful to think about, and I've finally realized why, and I've realized that there was a lot I left out of those logs, all surrounding the rescues I performed.
Before my bodily reconstruction procedure, I had a lot of scars. I thought they were all from Silas, and I remembered getting most of them- ds;falkjhasref][hgptoiuj
----
21 MAR 3308
Shit. Alright, coming back to this. I just... I gotta write this down. Get it down, maybe I won't panic so hard when the memories come back. I was just writing, and then.. bam. Everything hurt. It hasn't been that bad in months. I was hardly functional the rest of the day, and night terrors last night made my sleep almost worthless... all 14 hours of it.
The scars I had before my procedure. My dad didn't give me all of them. Some of them... came from myself. All of the ones that were just below my collarbone did, and a good number of the ones on my left arm. The memories are still a blur, and it's only been a few days since they first came back. I don't want them to get clearer, but I know eventually they'll have to if I'm going to remember details locked away about more important things. Well. More important to other people.
Gods, this... this writing is exhausting. I haven't gotten meaningful rest in almost two days now... but maybe now I'll be able to sleep okay again.
----
22 MAR 3308
So, uh, new day. I still can't say I have a clear head, but I'm gonna try to get through the things I left out of those Colonia logs.
First, the rescue of the escape pods. The binary planet system those crash sites were on was a pair only 12ls from their star, and on the cold side, the ground was already hot enough to be glowing a dull red. My suit could handle the cold side, but I had to fully disembark to activate transponders on each pod before I could pick them up. The cold side didn't pose a challenge, although the 1.2G gravity was enough to activate my suit's spinal support plates. The two crash sites on the hot sides though... Over 1000K, close to a star, and I still had to activate the transponders. Those spinal support plates gave me third-degree burns. I did that to myself.
I... did that to mys;vblikjhntm
a]
----
23 MAR 3308
I gotta get this down eventually. Little by little. It hurts, but it's only gonna keep hurting if I don't.
As soon as I got back to the Philosopher's Respite, I requested a medical team, asking them to meet me in the hangar, saying medical attention was needed, asking my ship to be boarded. I didn't have the resolve left to tell them I was the one who was hurt. And I couldn't even get myself out of the pilot's seat. I remember screaming in pain as the medical team got me onto a stretcher and rushed me into the lift and to the medbay. Other than that, all I remember is pain Burning, searing pain down my back, and psychosomatic pain all over.
Wait, no, not all over. My left forearm. And right under-
Breathe.
I'm not there right now. I'm okay. I'm safe. I made it out of there alive and... then later I was okay. I recovered...
Wait. I recovered really fast. Let me check my medical notes.
----
24 MAR 3308
Alright, I've gathered info from that time. Medical notes and logs, and- wait- Igikaizen? What's this?
Hey, Lily.
I actually wondered when you'd bring this up... And first, sorry for not saying anything, but I figured when you were ready, well.. So yeah.. Things got crazy on our way to Colonia, huh? I wondered why you told us to keep going and made that 500ly trek to catch up.. But when I heard you'd requested docking perms and an emergency med team, I knew it was you. I just did. I could hear your screams a floor away as I rushed to the medbay, and I knew I'd be staying with you. Like sleep was ever easy to begin with, heh..
They tried to keep me out of the EmSurg room, but I wasn't having it. When I got through, they'd managed to get your hardsuit off, but the spinal support plates had fused right through your shirt to your back.. They tried giving you sedatives, but the only thing that brought your screams down to a minimum was some old Native energy work I'd learned from my great grandfather, and it wasn't even where the plates were, it was your left arm. That's when I realized it wasn't all physical pain, cause it was some pain I'm all too familiar with, myself.
Anyway.. You managed to fall asleep by midnight, so I wandered around and spoke to the nurses and docs. They said your recovery was unlike anything they'd seen; you were healing physically at an incredible rate. I was worried about your emotional state, though.
By the time morning rolled around, we'd arrived in Colonia and I was meeting our contacts for that leg of the 7 C's, when I heard you'd woken up.
I rushed to see you but you'd already gone. One of the nurses said you just waltzed out of there with the plates still stuck to you, seemingly pain-free.
When I caught up with you later, it didn't seem like you remembered any of the burns or anything, and I was ambivalent. Partly relieved and partly worried that I should bring it up then..
Point is, I'm glad to see you coming back to yourself.
-Igi
I- I'm sorry that's how we had to meet, Igi. But I'm beyond thankful you were there...
Gods, I didn't even know they practiced Native traditions... although, thinking back, it does make a lot of sense.
But yeah... Igi is right. I'm coming back to myself.
Fuck, I'm tired. I need to just sllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
----
25 MAR 3308
Hey, at least last time it wasn't a panic attack that made me stop writing. But let me tell you, my sleep schedule is just absolutely fucked right now.
But Eleanor Bresa got back to me today! You know that Mama Bresa mattress? The super comfy chiropractic one at Bresa's Modifications? By the time I woke up the night I slept in that bed, the plates and soaked sections of my shirt had fallen off completely, leaving the black areas of toughened skin I have now. Eleanor had been wondering why that particular mattress was performing better than the others, and after I sent my message- Yesterday? Two days ago? Days are all over the place right now- she scanned the mattress for nanites, and found quite a few of them had made their way into colonies in the top of the mattress. She recognized Domino's handiwork, so she had asked me about it, but apparently I replied not knowing what she was talking about.
And I guess that's just about all the major details the amnesia hid from me. Honestly I'm surprised I remember Ana Philoppe, the woman I rescued who comforted me, reminding me I never have to be perfect. I should see if I can reach out to her- she might be able to help me remember a few details about that revival day.
Also, I hear Igi is running the 7 C's trip again, bigger and better this time. I'll talk to Phoenix about them possibly traveling with me. It'll be nice to actually take them to the Collection of Wonders, and to Colonia, and to... meet all those people. Maybe I'll find a way to keep the Cuisinier stocked if I bring it along. Maybe one of the carriers can spare some cargo hold space? They'll probably be tight on tritium like last time, but here's hoping.