Powerless... And That's Okay
07 May 2022Lily Flemmon
--AUDIO LOG TRANSCRIPT--Alright, marking a location for this log, Collection of Wonders, planet nearest the white dwarf, landed in the CTAC Pathfinder. I'm about the same spot I sent that postcard from. Gonna try and get a log in while Phoenix is taking a nap in the pilot's quarters.
Last time I left the Bubble for Colonia, there was an all-out war with the NMLA. This time, there was a three-pronged Thargoid attack- one on each superpower. It's like whenever I leave the bubble, something pivotal and horrible happens. As I left Colonia, I started to wonder if the same would be true about the Colonia region.
The answer is yes. Something pivotal and horrible definitely happened.
Aurora Adair, now former Squadron Commander of TITAN Contractors, was revealed to be one of the Crimson Venators. While the TOC Solaris was in the Colonia region. The source of the evidence is still yet to be confirmed, but I know there's more to it.
I have talked to her in person only twice. The first time was a formal introduction, but the second time was much less formal. I was debriefing her following the lifesaving mutiny aboard the Skies Unknown, [INTRUDER DETECTED- PHOENIX GARNDER] and she broke a little, in front of me. I could tell she was bottling up far too many emotions. She was sacrificing her own mental health to protect... everyone from something in her past. I saw the pain in her eyes, and heard it in her voice... Nobody can fake that.
Aurora fled the Solaris with Isa at her side, and with no fatal casualties despite a firefight having broken out, it's clear to me that Aurora has nothing but regret for her time as a Venator. And she's endured mental torture in service to her community. That's enough of a sentence. Her guilt has done worse things to her than she could possibly deserve, no matter what she's done.
But here I am now, at the Collection of Wonders. A place I was planning to relax and enjoy the sights... but how could I possibly relax when all this is happening and I can't even help? I just feel so... so...
--TRANSCRIPT END, LOG TERMINATED--
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"Powerless."
I turned around dramatically at the sound of someone else's voice in the cockpit, right behind me. "Phoenix? how long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough to know you're struggling."
"Yeah... Yeah, I'm struggling. And I do feel powerless."
"Honey, none of it is even your fault."
"I know, but it feels like... It feels like it's all my fault. Like I should be able to do something, even though there's nothing I can do."
"Yeah, I've noticed. It's... a pattern."
"A pattern?"
"Yeah. Every time someone you care about even a little gets hurt, you feel like it's your fault, like you could have done more. Ever since you got the Dryad."
"Well, I need that suit, you already know how Harper-"
"Shut up, babe. You don't deserve that power."
I don't know what response I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't that one. "I- what? Excuse me?"
"Nobody deserves that kind of power. You know why?"
"Okay, I'll bite... Why?"
"Because nobody deserves the incredible burden of it. And nobody should ever have to bear that burden, least of all you. You've been through more than enough already."
For a moment, I was astounded at how true that statement rang in my ears. And then I was ashamed that I hadn't already realized what I'd just heard. "I... You're right. And even the first time I wen to Colonia I was able to accept that I couldn't help fight the war against the NMLA, but this time, there were the Thargoid attacks, and I just... I felt guilty for not being able to help. I've only encountered a Thargoid once, and it nearly destroyed the Intrepid! And I still felt like I HAD to... to..." My voice trailed off, and I leaned forward, propping my face up in my hands. I didn't feel or hear anything for a few seconds until I felt Phoenix's gentle fingers running through my hair... and I started sobbing, ever so softly.
"Lily... Do you remember the two reasons you gave for going on this trip?"
"Yeah... to go back to... that system with the escape pods, and... and to... I gave two reasons?"
"And to rest on the way back, and to bring me along to take in the sights with you."
"...Right... I just... it's hard to rest."
"Then I'll help you. It sounds obvious, but it's easy to forget... You're not responsible for things that aren't your fault. Especially if you can't do anything to help. When it comes to what's happening with Titan Contractors right now, I know you want to help, but you can't. And you shouldn't. And you don't need to."
And help me they did. We suited up the rest of the way and sat together on the end of the Pathfinder's wing with a couple cases of power cells, and while we couldn't feel each other's warmth, we got plenty of warmth from the star, and to us... that counts. Because we brought each other here. And when we ran out of power cells, we dropped down in the low gravity and went back inside, took our suits off (they do get a little uncomfortable after a while. Not physically, it just feels weird to wear them when we're not doing pilot stuff), and Phoenix gently led me to our quarters, and we spent the night right there, cozied up in each other's arms, our fingers running through each other's hair, sharing in this simple, wonderful comfort of being together.
As much as sleeping near the exclusion zone of a white dwarf sounds like a bad idea, we were fine. The Pathfinder shields plenty of the harmful radiation and can blow off the heat with plenty of fuel to spare in the morning. And what did I do with that remaining fuel? I went and hit the exclusion zone of one of the binary black holes, and jettisoned the Dryad.
Sometimes, I'm powerless. And that's okay.
