Private Log- Malcom in the Middle, Part II
10 Jun 2022Lily Flemmon
Lily steps out of the lift, onto the path. The sunlight here is artificial, the gravity is centrifugal, and most of the plant life is genetically modified to hell and back, if not designed from the ground up (literally), but there's nothing fake about any of it. The people who built it all are so overwhelmingly, wonderfully real. And the feeling of home is undeniable. "There's a grotto along the path in the first ring, opposite the admin offices. Beautiful place, but a long way to walk from here, and less, well.. It's not the place I collapsed and fainted when I first arrived here. In 3303.""Then that place, the most important one. That's what I want to see. I want to see what Lily Flemmon is like when she's at her best." He's still smiling, warm and welcoming, just exuding care from every part of him. "You and me have been through a lot. We deserve to feel good right now."
The two of them walk along the path for a while, and coming to a section with tall reeds on either side of the path, Lily slows, looking at the reeds and the ground.
"Well... here... wait no... here. Come off the path with me." Lily steps into a small, almost invisible gap in tall, broad-leaved stalks at the edge of the path and disappears into the garden.
Moving quickly to keep up, Malcom hops off the path behind her, pushing reeds and leaves and grasses out of his way as he goes. "Yes ma'am!"
This dense blind of vegetation smells slightly of lavender and vanilla, but after only about a couple meters of it, Lily breaks through to the spot that means... so many things to her. A patch of soft, dark green moss, somewhat round, irregular, and about three meters across at the widest point, is surrounded by about a meter of wildflowers before the vegetation returns to the thick blind she had just come through. It's a magical place, but in a more whimsical way. It's not mesmerizingly beautiful, it's just nice and cozy. Overhead, there's partial cover from a tree not unlike a weeping willow, but with small blue flowers running all down its vine-like strings of leaves.
Lily trots through the wildflowers and lets herself collapse on the moss, letting out a sigh of relief.
"Oh wow..." Mal says, slowly walking through the ring, bright careful not to step on any of the flowers as he crosses into the moss. Quietly and slowly, he kneels down onto the mossy patch and shifts to his butt, folding his legs in front of him. "I haven't seen a place like this in years. It's like a-um... Whatchoo call it, a Faerie ring!"
"More or less, but this one didn't occur naturally. Although, you make me wonder if any faeries are here."
"According to my grandfather, you can't keep those little bastards out of places no matter how hard you try." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath through his nose, savoring the aromas around him. "It's no wonder this place is so important to you. It feels so peaceful here."
“It wasn’t always so obvious. When I first got here, CTAC hadn’t even dipped a toe into genetic engineering… But as I’ve grown, this little place has grown too. A little… project, I guess.” She looks up at the dangling flowers above her, and a soft smile spreads gently across her face. "But most of all… this is the one place where it feels like…” Lily chokes up as a knot forms in her throat, but takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, tightly at first, then relaxing, to calm herself. “where it feels like Ronni is still here.”
Mal takes another deep breath and let's it puff out of his nose as he ponders this thought. "You two were very close, yeah? Lots of love and joy together?" He pauses just for a moment before adding: "Ah... but that wound is still fresh. I guess today brought back some of that helpless feeling?"
"I... I really do miss her. A lot. But she was the friendliest person on this station, if you ask me. A lot of the more recent dedication to CTAC being a safe space for people... I don't know if you've heard of Friend For A Moment, CTAC's dispatch of social workers who nearly remove the need for cops here, but... that program was her idea. She didn't handle any of the logistics of making it happen, but whenever someone had a question about the mission or values of the program being built, they asked Ronni. And the people who did the work to start that program... they all said they wanted to give back to Ronni for ways she had helped them in the past... And now... Look at CTAC. The way we all take care of each other..." Lily starts to sniffle, with a broad, warm smile across her face, and tears fall from her eyes. "That's... Ronni's spirit guiding all of us. And just look at the wonderful things she still does."
Malcom has a look of calm peace and joy on his face as he closes his eyes and takes deep, even breaths. "We do the memory of our loved ones proud when we embody the best of them. Their passing need not be a burden or a source of pain when we carry so much of them with us throughout our lives. As you say, she can still guide us, even in death. In that way she never has to die." His eyes slowly open and he turns his head to face Lily, looking deeply refreshed even after such a short time with eyes closed. "But you already knew that. didn't you?"
Lily chuckles softly. "I mean... it's not like I can possibly ignore it here. Ronni is no subtle Anishinaabe."
The two of them pause to contemplate quietly for a moment before Lily breaks the silence. "Do you... Do you know how she died?"
Barrett's mouth tightens into a line as he looks down and nods. "Yes. When we came here looking for you a month ago, we found her memorial placard on one of the oaks in the garden. Silas, your father, right?"
"Yeah. Funny thing is, he didn't realize I was his daughter, he just was planning to ruin my life to make me an easier target... It was pretty obvious she was my best friend. But... Her legacy lives on fully, while his? Publicly humiliated as an example. Part of me wonders what would have happened if I had counted coup on him."
He looks puzzled, lifting his body up with his arms and turning to face you "Counted coup? Lo siento, no conozco esta frase. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Native North American tradition that formed under the incredible pressure of colonization. It's the ultimate way of defeating an enemy- with no harm to either you or your enemy, make them fully believe they are going to die at your hands, make them believe they do not have the option of surrender. And then stand down, and let them live with no wounds but their pride."
"Heh... no offense, but a man like that would just shoot you dead the moment you stood down. Honor doesn't occur to a person whose only concern is victory at any cost."
"Maybe.... But I was standing unscathed, magboots locked to the frame of what was once the front canopy panel of his Chieftain, and holding him at gunpoint. It wasn't like he could do anything, which is why I waited a moment. He still didn't realize I was the one he failed to hold onto for his sick fantasy. So I made him realize that, and seeing his face go white... I knew it was time to decide if he lived or died. Of course, I emptied a magazine into his head, but part of me does wonder if he could have redeemed himself..."
"So then you are not at peace with your decision?" he asks earnestly, unfolding his legs. "Listen, I'm... I'm no good at fathers. I didn't really have one. But I know that even though he wasn't there and I question a lot if he even cared about us, that I still love him. I don't forgive him. I don't want him in my life. But I love him and I want him to try." His hand runs over the moss he's sitting on and he lifts it, rubbing the moisture between his fingers. "Abuse and abandonment does strange things to our minds. I'm sure part of you wants to redeem him... Wishes he had changed and done right by you instead of whatever twisted shit he did instead... But I have a good litmus test for when moral choices of life and death start weighing on me." Malcom leans in and locks his eyes onto hers. "Would Rory lose sleep over it? It sounds silly, but I haven't met anyone with such a strong sense of moral clarity about violence." Mal looks down again, checking for dirt under his fingernails. "Sounds really corny come to think of it, but I said what I said."
“It’s… not corny. Thank you. Don’t tell her this, but I brought her here because I knew… she’s a better person than I am when things get tough. I shut down to protect myself, and she just… gets things done, and she gets things done right. And now that she’s getting the ties that were activating her and controlling her removed completely, she’s… She’s exactly what CTAC wants out of me that I know I can’t give."
"Eh, better? Yo no se. More decisive? Sure. But don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wouldn't want it to go to her head..." His brow suddenly furrows and he looks up at the skylight. "Goddammit I hope she's okay. I hope she stays okay. I'm so worried about her."
"Physically, she's in the best care I know of. And not many people know of Mirage's existence. Mentally, she's also in the best care I know of... but it's totally natural for that 'best care' to be worried sick." Lily turns her head to look at Mal. "Just remember, you've got all the help you need."
He rubs his face hard with both hands and makes a sickly moaning sound. "What I need is for her to be okay. Fuck me, Lily, I've never seen her like that before, ever. And she pinned me to a wall because I tried to tell her she wasn't well."
Lily holds out her hand and taps Malcom with it, offering comfort. "I've heard... and I know how jarring and frightening that must have been."
"That's not the worst of it... The worst of it is..." He suddenly clams up, pulls his fingers below his eyes and looks at Lily very emotionally "...my turn to ask to keep a secret... I think I'm falling in love with her."
"Is that really so bad?-" Lily quips before she can think it through. "-sorry, I... that was invalidating. You're worried it'll get to be too much for you."
Lily's comms pad buzzes and she checks it. "From Elise, looks like Mirage is just about done. Sounds like removing the old eyes and HMI was pretty straightforward, whoever did the initial surgery to put them in wasn't leaving any room for creativity or ingenuity."
Mal nods rapidly and drops his hands to his lap. "So much violence. Holy shit. And she started out as my fucking boss! This has bad news written all over it. But... Goddammit I can't help it. She's so..alive."
“Honestly? You remind me a lot of Phoenix. Except you’re definitely more masculine than them, and more calm and collected. Although… The grand majority of of people are more calm and collected than them. But…” Lily picks herself up to a sitting position in the moss with her hands in her lap, and takes a second to collect her thoughts. “If you want a run-down on what to expect being in love with a Commander, and a lot of random tips on how to cope and be supportive, and appreciate and her love and affection… Phoenix Gardner is the best person to ask.”
Malcom chuckles and shakes his head, looking at Lily. "Did you not know I'm also a Commander?" he asks, just a little sarcastically. "That's why she decided to split the business with me rather than keep giving me a percentage of..." his voice kinda trails off again and he props his chin up on one hand. "...That said, I know she's liable to be away kind of a lot. Probably I could use Phoenix's help dealing with that... Wait, I thought you were dating Mags? Do they... They know about each other, right?"
“Oh, they know everything about each other. Phoenix was actually aboard the Respite with me that entire journey, heh. Phoenix is asexual, and I’m definitely not, but even aside from that, there are plenty of my needs that they can’t fulfill, and Mags can. It’s like food, kinda. I wouldn’t want to just eat pizza beans all the time.”
"Oh. Yeah, I heard of that before just... Not something I ever considered I might be involved in one day. Being 'attracted' to people isn't a thing that happens to me very often. I never really saw myself as the dating or romantic type," he says, twinged with a bit of guilt. "I think that's why this is so scary. I'm used to caring about people, but... This is...sooo different. And Rory? Absolutely the opposite. I think she's had like three or four different partners just since we started working together."
Commander Lily — 05/19/2022
“Oh, I feel the same way about men, I don't find them attractive until I know I can trust them, but when I do? I fall so hard. No complaints though, because.. honestly? A lot of guys just suck. As for you, I... I don’t know if you feel like it makes you flawed to not feel romantic and sexual attraction the way others do- it’s part of you and it's nothing to be ashamed of.” Lily stands up and brushes herself off.
He nods and pulls himself up to his feet with a long, back-arching stretch. "Thanks!" he groans out and the suddenly relaxes. "Mom was not so understanding. She just wanted grandbabies. Never even occurred to her what I might want. She just wants as many little kids running around as she can." Barrett looks at Lily with a kind of a forced smile and shrugs. "Between her and the rest of the Galaxy always throwing sex in people's faces it's a bit uncomfortable to just...not... want it."
He stops suddenly, eyes looking into the middle distance as the realization hits. "Oh shit, I think that's why I got into exploration."
“I don’t remember if you’ve heard me say this, but I’ve said it a lot, and it’s kinda become part of the culture of CTAC… The final frontier isn’t space after all. The final frontier is coming back home, and, hey… people might have treated you like you’re cold and unloving in the past, I don’t know, but… Mal, you’re… the warmest person I know. It’s kinda poetic how one of the first people at CTAC you learned about was Ronni, because you two have that same warmth in everything you do.”
"Well, not cold and unloving exactly. Mostly they say I'm a tease or I'm stringing them along or try and tell me I'm less of a man for not wanting to sleep with any hot body I come into contact with. Like, I see the beauty. I understand the attraction from like, an aesthetic perspective. Like I look at you and I can tell you're a very attractive woman and I know at least two of my brothers would consider themselves lucky to be with you but... I don't know, that makes me want to cook you a meal and talk about what kind of holos you like to watch most while I ramble about some interesting planets I found and what weird things grow on it. Like friendship stuff. Does that make sense? Ai, it feels weird to talk about this..."
“Complete sense. Really.”
"Oh... Well... Good. Good, that feels..." There's a wellspring of emotions behind his eyes as the sensation of 'being seen' sinks into his bones. "That feels really nice... but this is part of what makes falling in love so goddamn scary. I don't think I've ever done it before. And as first loves go, I haven't exactly picked the most emotionally available person. I don't want to ruin what we already have.."
Lily steps toward Mal and hugs him. Like, one of those hugs that’s not too tight, but it feels like it’s all over.
“Talk to her about it. She knows her limits... and if you two can figure things out? Rory’s going to be one lucky woman.”
Malcom melts into the hug, weakly wrapping his arms back around Lily as his face starts to leak. It's not a big ugly cry. More of a gentle slow release of a long pent-up ache. "I'm afraid to. I value her friendship and our partnership so much. If I can't satisfy her or keep her then... Ugh! What is the matter with me?!"
“You already know you can’t satisfy her sexually, and you already know that’s not going to be a problem as long as you let her find that in other partners. Just love her and let her feel it and enjoy it. You’ve got this, Mal. You really do.”
"But I want to. I want to satisfy her. It's not like I've never slept with someone before it's just... not normally something I really want? With her though..." He smiles, bites the inside of his lower lips a bit and lets out a soft small laugh. "When we were on the Gambit, the night she made me a partner, we landed, and instead of working we cooked a good meal, stayed up drinking and watching holos and these corny old movies she found... We fell asleep snuggled up on the couch in the lounge... God was my mind racing the whole next week thinking about being with her." He laughs again, looking down as his hands slide into his back pockets. "Whew... I-I know you say I've got it, but it feels like I'm holding a Thargoid by the tail. I'm so worried we're going to screw something up, make it weird..."
“If you screw something up, be kind about it. The best partners are the ones you know can still be friends if the romance goes south. And everything that makes relationships go south… Mal, you literally embody the opposite of all those things. Take care of yourself, take care of her, and whether the romance works or not, it’s gonna be fine.”
"I might. I might be fine. But we're never going to fucking know if she doesn't make it out of this goddamn surgery!" A lot of the calm the mindfulness granted him is clearly gone.
“She will. But if we want to be there when she does, we should get going.”
"You don't have to tell me twice!" he says, lifting his feet high and gingerly stepping through the reeds and tall grass on his way back out to the path. "Just... Just to be sure, please keep this between us? At least until I get to talk to her first?"
“I promise.” Lily follows him through the blind, and back out onto the path, and the two of them head back to the lift.