Private Log- Family, Part I
12 Jun 2022Lily Flemmon
Author's Note:This marks entry number 50. It's been a long road for Lily, but it's also been a long road for me, and this is going to be a long entry. It holds a lot of meaning for a lot of characters, and for both of its authors.
I originally imagined Lily to be a self-insert character, answering the question of "who am I in this game, really?" But over time, she and I have grown in different directions- in some ways, very different. Since I began writing her story, and the stories of more and more people around her, and those who came before, and the many stories of Chilton Terminal and its people, I, too, have grown as a person, not just discovering who I am, who I ant to be- but also creating it, and becoming it.
As many of my readers already know, I, like Lily, am a trans woman. I made my first step in transitioning physically, starting hormone replacement therapy, around the time I published Lily's first five logs, "The Story So Far." Transitioning is a journey that has no clear "start" or "end," no "haven't started" or "already finished." It's all milestones, and even then most aren't clear or concise.
It feels like the road to Raxxla. It's a journey with an unknown destination, and no end ever in sight, but the real treasure is the friends I've made, and the communities I've built, along the way.
Here's to 50 entries, and to all of us hunting our Raxxlas. May we never cease.
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Rory Bael has an apartment with Mal in Chilton Terminal's second ring, on the far side of Wiikwandiwin Garden from the entrance to the core tech labs. A large penthouse with roof windows, giving a wonderful view of the nearby ring pylon and the ever-rotating sky above. Finally free to explore her own self, she's brought in some things that are meaningful to her- foremost among them, an upright piano. It was the little freedom she had as a courtesan, the freedom to play music.
She cracks all of her knuckles, tucks herself up closer to the keys and begins playing.
Lily enters quietly and enjoys the music, smiling.
As the second movement, Friska, begins, she walks quietly over to Mal and offers her hand, presumably to dance.
Mal chuckles and decides to take her up on it immediately, but silently, placing a finger to his lips.
The two of them tiptoe dance to Rory's playing, Lily even letting Mal spin her a few times- the two of them trying very, very hard not to giggle.
Rory is absolutely in the song. only a very carefully timed glance would notice when she feels the feet on the floor and steals a quick glance. And knowing it's them, lays on the keys even harder.
Alright, she thinks, Let's see 'em dance to this... as she plays the third movement in all its weird glory.
By the time the third movement, the Cadenza, comes along, Lily can't help but let out a small squeaky giggle while trying to dance to the irregular tempo of the music, not entirely succeeding.
As the piece ends, Malcom can't keep it anymore and just bursts laughing , damn near tripping over himself.
Rory turns around and looks at them both with a smile and a clearly very rehearsed stand and step into a deep formal bow.
Lily claps emphatically, and as if to counter the formality of Rory's bow, she shouts, "Oh hell yeah!"
"Thank you. It's my hidden talent. I do miss playing on a Grand but it felt-" She glances over at the real actual fucking piano standing in a space station 150 light years from where it was made- "...Ostentatious. Maybe when i get a fleet carrier," she says, rolling her eyes.
"I can imagine... and I guess you can understand why I spend most of my time... not doing Commander stuff."
"Oh yes, it's nice to settle down and have a real place to nest a while. But... You know me, I live to work." Rory motions to a room off to the side "For example, won't you kindly step into my office?"
"What kind of job?" Mal asks raising his head as if to yell across the... well, admittedly impressively large space for a station home.
Lily rolls her eyes at the office remark. "Don't tell me you got one of those classic therapist couches."
"Are you kidding me?" Rory chuckles and opens the door onto a small war room. there's a galactic chart on the wall, several computer terminals, hard-copy records, and about three dozen sample canisters in a box to the side waiting to be sorted. there's a white board, a large sturdy card table in the center, and a large monitor set for organizing LOTS of information. "People used to put all this up on paper and cork board, you know?" she says, pointing around at all the screens. "I only ever had to do that shit once on a job... hated it."
"Hold up. You had to use cork board?"
Rory nods, heading toward the door, "Oh yeah. Power went out and the generator couldn't handle the screens. had to find tiny little pins and staples to hold the charts and papers up. Awful. don't do it." She pokes her head out the door and shouts. "Sorry, I got distracted. It's an investigation/tracking kinda job. You want in?"
Malcom screws his mouth up in a bow as the thought washes around his skull "Mmnnn. Nah, I'm good. Thanks."
Lily steps into the war room. "Hey.. maybe you actually could find her."
"Oh yeah. Everyone leaves a trail. I had some little shit I used to know hack my log file the other day." she says, rolling her eyes. "Someone out there knows something and someone else can get you any information you want."
"Well, the hard part here will be starting out- I don't entirely know who my mother was. In records. I barely knew how to read when she fled."
"Right, but you know her first name and you know the system, right?"
Lily sits down at the card table. "Uh.... No. I don't remember her first name. It's locked away in my head somewhere and I don't want to unlock whatever comes with it, honestly."
Rory taps two keys on a keyboard and two holo controls appear over the console. "Alright, we'll start more general then. let me have the Last name, the year, the system, and the major body or station if you know it." She slips her fingers into the controls and flexes both hands to make sure the force feedback is working. flicking one finger in a particular way, she pulls up the room mic.
"Ugh, uhhh..."
Lily strains to remember. it's difficult to sort through the emotions for these details. "Alliance system... surface port... 3289 or 3290... about 0.2G? Not sure on Gs, but it's not like it was one of those basically zero-G worlds. Icy body, orbited a big brown gas giant. I never saw rings on it."
Lily holds her head in her hands and chokes up a bit. "I can remember more if you need it, but... I don't want to... this hurts enough already."
"Wow, this system is tight," Rory says, flicking to accept certain aspects of the input and moving another hand to move the bits of data that appear on her screen. She looks back at Lily and sighs. "Lil... I hate to be like this but if this goes well, you're going to be looking her in the face pretty soon. It seems to me now's the time to start processing."
"Military, it was... military. Something keep. I- wanted to keep her... fuck, that's... not a fun mnemonic." Lily's struggling. This hurts. She can feel it in her chest, down her spine, on the back of her neck, and burning on her collarbone and wrist.
Rory reaches back and pulls Lily into a hug, making a hissing shushing sound as she rocks her back and forth. "Okay... ok... listen to me... you're not there. You're here with me, okay? You didn't ask to lose your mom. It's not your fault she left. This is all going to work out okay."
Lily nods against Rory's torso weakly. "We... we will find her."
"Of course we will, " Rory says, lifting one arm away to operate the console while holding Lily tight to her with the other "And the good news is, we got nothing but time... It might take a while, but we'll find her." Ultimately she just puts in Silas Flemmon 3289 to 3290 on top of the existing filter and gets some manifests , accommodations, P-Fed mission logs, and... "A fucking police report? Ha... of course he started his rap sheet early. Fuck me." She reads it aloud: "Unauthorized discharge of a firearm, child endangerment, domestic dispute unclear, s-uhm... Daughter Lily and wife Nisira!"
"Wait. Daughter Lily? did someone edit that?"
"Yuuup, I did," she says non-chalantly as she scrolls down "Aaaand... the investigation was dropped when victim failed to appear! There we go, we have a date range!"
"Heh, well... thank you. Nothing like "victim's body was found" right?"
Rory takes her other hand back and starts checking a second source with that hand, "No... not here. Looks like she got off-world! Good for her!"
"So... he didn't kill her. I... was really worried."
"Now... we get to look at passenger manifests!" She smiles as her fingers fly through the files and she scans "Fuuuuuck me, Lily, these eyes are awesome!"
"THERE!" Rock shouts suddenly and pulls up one of the screens. "haha! are you superstitious yet? She left the station on May 27'th, 3290. That... is one for the books."
Lily winces at Rory's shout. "Please- qui- quieter..."
"Ooh, Sorry," Rory says, in a much more hushed tone. She opens her mouth to say more about the investigation, but her face drops. She looks through several tabs frantically and then sighs in relief "Okay, she pops up requesting a legal name change on November 30th on... Sol?"
"Sol? What? Why would she have risked going- wait, Silas was still ADF then..."
"Nisira Flemmon to Narisa Wylde. Hm, good one. She's apparently an Earth native, or at least made it look like she's one somehow. Heh... don't see many of those anymore."
"Did she leave Sol?"
More tabs fly by as Rory looks for residence information alongside passenger manifests. "She...Left on an Inter Astra shuttle in 3296. Somewhere in the bubble must have received it..." she searches for the ship's RN and finds it. "Back in alliance space in G 123-16."
“How… that must have cost her. She could afford it?
Three tabs over are bank statements and transaction records. Rory sighs. "Hope it's nearby and there wasn't a stock rush that day." As luck would have it, the text locks on her name on a ticket with a different purchaser.
"Oliver Foster...That name ring a bell?"
“Um... no, not at all.”
Suddenly switching gears, the screen pans right to search up an entirely different person. "Okay... Oh, Commander Oliver Foster from G 123-16." She scrolls back a little ways, in his timeline "Married to another commander! Haha! that'll last, I'm sure!" She says, and then suddenly realizes the irony. "Oh shit, I'm in love with a Commander."
Rory turns her head ever so slowly in Lily's direction, hoping desperately that she didn't hear Rory say those words.
Lily is staring directly at Rory with an eyebrow raised, her eyes red from tears a minute ago. She definitely heard it.
"Sh-He um... The Wife's name is... is Selena."
“Selena… never heard of her either.”
Suddenly Rory takes a deep breath and turns whole body to Lily. "Girl, I swear, if you tell him I said that... I would... Never... Hear the end of... it."
“Do... do you maybe want me to tell him?”
Rory pauses a moment... her face suddenly quite wistful. "No... no I think I'll tell him tonight." A cute, wry smile spreads across her lips. "Yeah. Tonight."
Rory sort of shakes off the thought and refocuses on the task at hand. "Anyhow, we were... Selena Levschenko, now Selena Foster, birth of a child in 3295. Moved in with her husband and... Narisa Wylde in 3296, now retired... Where they lived.... "
A long list of sequential dates stream by faster and faster as Rory flicks through the data, and then finally the scrolling stops. "To this day. Where they lived to this day."
“Do you… have a picture of her? My mom? Nisira? Narisa?”
Rory shrugs. "Depends on how you feel about names. could be her real new self, or could just be a way to hide." Turning back to the main screen, she tabs over to look up photo ID records and scrolls through to the most recent. "And there she is in October of 3304."
It’s quite a sight for Lily. There was her mother’s face, but unlike every other time she saw it, in this picture her mother was genuinely happy… and there wasn’t a single blotchy bruise on her face.
"Almost lost her twice there... She's pretty good."
“That’s… that’s her.”
Rory smiles and pulls Lily into a friendly, supportive side-hug. "That's your mom, Lily. She's alive. Doing fine."
“Do you think I should still go meet her?”
"When you're ready, sure." Rubbing Lily's shoulder gently, Rory squeezes her tighter for a bit. "But only then. There's no rush. Things look pretty stable for her right now."
“Yeah… yeah.”
"Tell you what, when you're ready? I'll make time to go with you."
“You would?”
"Of course I would!" Rory said, pushing all the other data minus the names and current addresses off the the screens. With a flick of the wrist, a hard copy and digital copy printed onto paper and a data key. The paper, she filed in a folder marked 'Lily' and the key, she held out to her friend with a soft, sympathetic smile and nod. "Here. I think it goes without saying there's no charge. I didn't even have to go anywhere for it. When we get there, there's probably some footwork ahead but... Not just now. In the meantime, you hold onto this. It's your mom. You're driving."
Lily gently takes the key, and sort of cradles it in her hand, before closing her fingers around it and holding it against her chest. “Thank you… So much.”
Rory smiles and nods, pulling Lily into another big hug. "You wanna stay and hang out for a while? I'm uh... I just got back from a pretty crazy little trip. And I think Mal is helping me cut my hair. We're gonna shave down my sides and trim my top so I can dye it black again. You're welcome to chill out and talk all you need. I probably have another couple days before I go back out again."
“Well… this place is certainly big enough for a few more guests, right?”
Rory grins at Lily and pats her on the back. "Sure is! I got a spare bedroom and everything. In fact, if tonight goes like I think it will, we might have two beds free." Rory gives a knowing smirk and wags her eyebrows a little.
Lily steps into the hall to make a call.
Rory takes the moment to shut down the Holo controllers and turn off the monitors in the war room. She smirks in a self satisfied way, crossing her arms at the whole ass computer database management system she hacked together over just a few hours this morning. It felt like... Control. It felt like a talent that was really hers to do with what she wanted. She flipped off the ligh on the way out and locked the door behind her, heading back to the piano and cracking her knuckles. "Let's see... Something by Chopin, I think."
Lily pokes her head back in. "Can Mags bring a plus 1?"
"Hmm? Mags? Oh! Yeah, sure, everything's locked up and away. We making a party out of it?"
She begins softly to play so she can still speak and hear.
Lily comes back in. "Phoenix, Mags, and Shandra will be coming soon, but I guess yeah we're making it a party... Slumber party?"
Rory makes one of those approving half-frowns as she nods and plays Nocturne from Opus 9, nodding her head. "How many beds between the four of you? I mean I certainly have couches that are good for crashing and I can give either mine or Malcom's up, likely..." She turns to look back at Lily, that same sweet smile on her face. "It has been a while since I entertained a party. But... This is much different. And you seem like you need it."
"Rory. That was a joke. About what you were playing. Sounds like... Chopin something sleepy something."
As if summoned by the piano, Malcom returns to the living room with an electric razor and a pair of hair scissors. "Nocturne. Opus 9, no 2." He says, laying the implements out on a towel. "I think I've heard her play that at least five times since that thing was delivered."
"Yes, you'll forgive me, my snooty is showing," Rory replies in her natural voice, cutting the piece short and closing the keys of her new piano. "I swear, it's these... Surroundings. I'm so used to living out of ships. Having nice things around again is... Stirring up memories. Something more up beat? I've got recorded musics by the sackful."
Lily shrugs. "Up to you, honestly. Well, you and Mal."
Mal starts getting set up around a chair. "Worry about music later. If we don't start on this haircut now, I swear it will be a week before you next remember."
Rory nods, picking up a second towel and fastening it around her neck. "Smart thinking. Maybe a solid black mohawk ought to bring me back to a more contemporary self..."
Lily shrugs. "It'll be more flamboyant, and cute, that's for sure."
Rory wrings her hands together, glancing around nervously. "I uh... I could use the grounding, you know?" Suddenly a light blush spreads across her cheeks. "Cute? You really think so?"
Lily sits down on a couch and puts her feet up next to her, getting comfy. "Well, it'd fit you really well. And yeah... cute."
The blush deepens as she pulls a hair tie from her wrist and gathers the top of her head of hair together, as well as a thinner strip tapering down the back of her head. "Thanks... I'm a little nervous about it to be honest. I've never gone all-over short before."
"I think it'll be a good change. And I also don't think it's the new hair you're nervous about."
Mal quirks a brow. "Nervous? What are you nervous about? You've been looking at the render for weeks." He glances over to Lily... And suddenly understands exactly what's going on. "Oye, chika, you gotta be subtle."
Rory covers her face in embarrassment for only a moment before sitting up and tilting her head back to look up at Malcom. "Mmmm, shut up and kiss me you beautiful disaster." She smiles as he leans in and pulls him down closer, kissing him softly before looking up into his eyes. "I wanted to tell you something..." she cranes her neck upward and whispers into his ear sweetly. "I think I've fallen in love with you..."
Malcom's whole body reacts to her words and he wraps his arms around her, kissing her forehead before resting his chin on the top of her head. "I love you too..."
Lily can't take her eyes off the two of them for a second, until she shuts them tightly and forces herself to look at the floor in front of her when she opens them. She feels her eyes getting teary, and wipes at it with her hand- why was she tearing up? What?
Rory smiles and giggles like a dork, looking up and pulling him down for a slightly more... Intense kiss. "Okay fine, I love you. It's not fair tho, you made me ..."
Lily feels the tears bubbling up even more and she realizes... this was her dream. Not to be in Rory's or Mal's position, but to have such close-knit friends in CTAC that she could still include in her life as a Commander. Sure, she had Commander friends, and it was nice crossing paths with Igikaizen in Meliae here and there, and her time with TCON was definitely a good one, but to have friends that crossed the border of her inevitably dual lifestyle? She finally had that. Finally.
Rory glances over at Lily and grins. "That looks like a happy cry. You okay over there sweetie?"
Mal bites the inside of his lip and stays close to her a moment before letting go and grabbing the clippers. He sizes up the clumps of isolated hair and promptly undoes the hair tie, then re-binds them for a more even split. Without waiting for her to change her mind, he shaves a stripe down the left side of her head. He giggles slightly as Rory squeaks in surprise. "She's fine, Rory. Stronger than she knows."
"Look, I'm... really proud to have the two of you as friends. I guess I've wanted friends like you for... a long time. I don't know how long. I've had this dual life for years, being a Commander, and being a member here, and you two are the first close friends I've had who are a part of both those lives. It's been... a long time coming."
"Really? Just about the only people I know well enough to call friends are Commanders themselves. These CTAC people you've brought me into are the first ones that aren't either slaves or murderers."
"The exception to that statement has clippers in his hand, only centimeters from your head."
Rory shakes her head, but only slightly, avoiding making Mal mess up. "Nah, Mal's got a kill or two. He just hates it."
"It's true," he says with a shrug. "There we're some pirates after me and I got lucky and hit their powerplants. I don't think she's blaming us but to her—"
"All of it is murder," she says, suddenly quite serious. "We have to remember that they're always human and always have whole lives and families and people who love them... And sometimes they still deserve to die. It's a terrible truth, but... I think I need it."
"I only have one kill that could be an exception to that. And... I know."
She nods with a very tight lipped embarrassment grin-frown. "I might find it a little easier than you do, but I promise. I don't take it any less seriously."
Lily looks up, her eyes still a bit red. "I know you don't. You don't have to prove that to me."
She nods a little bit, much to the frustration of her hairdresser. "... sorry Mal. I'll try and sit still."
The entry chime rings, and Lily gets up to get the door.
"Yes, I can tell, you are very much trying," he quips, lining up the last few swipes of the clipper. Then, removing the very thin guard, he starts drawing deep cuts into the stubble "Almost ready for scissors."
"Leave about two or three inches, okay?"
Lily opens to door to Phoenix, who slams forcefully into Lily and giggles as they stagger into the room a bit. "Babe, you know you can't tackle me."
Phoenix giggles. "I know, but I still like trying!"
Mal laughs as he looks up from his work. "Phoenix! My friend! Welcome to our home!" He gestures broadly to welcome them in, and also to set down the clippers.
Rory peeks up, keeping her chin on her chest. "Hi Phoenix! How you doing, cutie?"
Phoenix peeks around Lily and sees Mal’s impromptu barbershop. “Ooh, haircut!!”
"Ah-hah! Yeah," Rory replies, blushing just a little. "It uh... It felt like I needed a fresh start. Wait, shit, this isn't the first time after all- I buzzed my whole head when I first got free!"
Malcom smirks and picks up the scissors and comb, getting to work on the ribbon of blue with long black roots running down the center of her head. "See? Not so scary after all, is it?" He chuckles a little as the first long streams of blue fall away, leaving only the black behind. "Are you planning to darken this? Because it already looks pretty black."
"Yes, Mal, still darken it. it looks black wet, but trust me, it's chocolate brown."
"Still gorgeous on you."
"Is there a hair color you wouldn't say that about?"
Phoenix peeks around Lily again before gong back to burying their face against her. "Awwww."
He considers for a moment before leaning back in and cutting again. "Blonde. Pale or platinum blonde. I just can't see it."
Lily lifts Phoenix up and carries them to a couch. "Hmm, I gotta agree on that."
Rory rolls her eyes and puts both hands out to the side dismissively. "It's already decided! I'm going black!"
Lily lets out a silly giggle. "Just offering useless opinions."
Rory whimpers a bit covering her face. "Pleeeease, I'm nervous enough already."
"More like grumpy. How long has it been since you've eaten?"
Phoenix perks up again at the mention of eating. "You two need food?"
"My pantry isn't empty if that's what you're asking. Have a look." Rory points to a cupboard at the edge of the kitchen and the fridge beyond it. "Packed full of produce, pasta, ready meals, and a few animal based perishables I import from the surface."
Lily pulls out her comms pad agin. "I'll... ask Mags and Shandra to bring us some snacks."
Mal sees Rory open her mouth to say something snarky and quickly butts in. "Stop. Your food is fine. Your friends want to feed you to improve your mood. It's okay. No one is coming after you... Ok?"
She grumbles a bit under her breath before sighing and finally saying. "Nachos would be pretty amazing right now. I haven't eaten since morning..."
Hearing Rory hasn't eaten, Lily gets a bit worried. "I- I'll pass that along. And, Mal? How long until we can hug her without it making a mess?"
"About five minutes? I haven't even opened the dye packets yet."
"Okay then, I-"
Phoenix interrupts Lily by giving her a sudden hug.
"-Oh, uh- uhm- I, uh..." Lily returns the hug, a bit confused, but then she leans into it, feeling suppressed emotions well up- it seems the baggage about her mom was still a bit fresh.
Phoenix runs their fingers through Lily's hair gently. "Take care of yourself first, okay babe?"
Seemingly out of nowhere, Rory pipes up. "Oh my god, I know why I'm being such a bitch..."
Phoenix perks up at Rory's sudden introspection. "You do, huh?"
"Yeah. There's um... There's something going on I haven't told any of you about yet." Malcom unwraps the towel around her shoulders and brushes off her neck with his hand, satisfied with his job. He hands her a mirror, and she checks herself out in it. "Oh wow... I think I love it."
Malcom smiles and folds his arms, looking at the thing he has created. "It is eminently Aurora, I think. That's what does it for me."
Phoenix pulls away from the hug to look. "Oh, definitely. Very much you. Honestly, I've been thinking you could use some more expressive hair, and... yeah this is it!"
Rory smiles at herself in the mirror, then sets the glass down and turns to face the rest of the room. "I um... I dunno if this is the kind of thing I should... Maybe I'll wait for... Fuck, there's never going to be a perfect time, is there?"
Phoenix cocks her head in a half-shrug. "Doesn't sound like it."
Her lips flap and trill as she puffs air out of them and rubs her eyes. "...I've hired someone to look for my kids."
Lily is startled at first at the sudden change of topic, but quickly understands that Rory and Phoenix are right- there's no good time to bring this up. “Well, can’t say I blame you. It’ll be a lot to process, but as far as ideas go, it seems like a decent one.”
Rory shakes her head. "That's... Not the whole story. I told you I raised three of Sir Montgomery's children, right? But..." A wave of emotion breaks across her face and she is suddenly looking away out the window. "Daniel would be 20 now. Samantha, 17. Chelsea... Turns 12 on the 19th of June..."
"I stand by what I said, it does sound like a good idea. one step at a time... Rory, can I ask you something?"
Holding back tears just as hard as she can, Rory bites the inside of her bottom lip and nods.
"You know what, no- it's not a question. My mom ran away when I was four. Because she had to. Because she was afraid for her life- and I still consider her to be a good mother. She did the best she could, and... she was a good mom. And I want to see her again, even if everything about her and everything about me has changed. And I think your kids want to see you again too. Because... Even though you left, you were a good mom too."
She half cries half laughs as the tears start to flow down her cheeks. She leans back against the countertop, propping herself up with one arm while the other does its best to keep her eyes clear. "Goddammit Lily, you are... So on point and yet you've completely missed it. I've been... Lying! I've been lying about it the whole time. To everybody. They aren't really my kids I say. What the fuck..."
Rory sits up and studies s light fixture with a deep, satisfying breath.
"Lily, Chelsea is literally my daughter."
"Rory, I can't say I can relate to you on this one, but... I'm already looking for a specific someone who can. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and let yourself be taken care of, okay?"
Malcom is standing at the sink, mouth agape, looking back at Rory in complete bafflement. "¿C-como? Is that even...? Wha-..."
Phoenix has had their eyes on Mal for much of this exchange, and they can tell he's about to explode. "Um... Mal? You okay?"
"¡No! No estoy bién. ¿Cuándo me ibas a decir?"
"¡AHORA, OBVIAMENTE!" Rory stands up and turns to face him, glaring across the kitchen into his hurt and baffled face. "This is not about you, Malcom! Jesus Christ, the fuck is your problem?!"
"You swore to me! You promised no more secrets! In the hangar of this very terminal—"
"They stole her from me!" Rory sobs. "They plucked the memory of her birth and her name, and everything that led up to her existence right out of my head. For the love of God, Malcom, can you please not do this right now?!"
Phoenix sees the sudden argument and immediately looks to Lily, who is... Frozen. Terrified. And not mentally present... at all. "Lily, hey! Hey! Breathe." In a moment, Phoenix is holding Lily tightly, rocking side to side and massaging her sternum. "It's okay. it's not Silas. It's not your mom. Shhh, it's okay..."
Lily is... arguably in a worse mental state than Rory and Mal combined. "Nisi, run.. run away..."
Phoenix wraps their tender body around Lily as much as they can. "Shhhh, it's okay. It's okay. You're here, in Rory's apartment, in Chilton... You're home. It's okay..."
Rory wants badly to hit something but doesn't. She jumps up from her seat and runs fast for a glass and some cold water, bringing it directly over to Lily without sparing another word or even a look at Barrett as he hangs his head over by the sink, feeling like a heel. "Lily? Sweetie, look up at me, okay? I need you to get some of this water inside of you. Can you do that for me?"
Lily opens her eyes and sees the water, and brings it to her lips, and as her lips feel the soothing chill of the water, she's back into the room. She downs it surprisingly quickly, and wipes the drops off of her mouth.
She takes a few deep breaths, wiggles her fingers, places her hand over Phoenix's on her chest, and then looks up around the room, sees Rory right in front of her, Phoenix next to her... and then Mal at the sink. "Okay, I- I'm okay. I'm here."
"I wanna tell you something you might not know, okay? I'm not going to hurt Mal. I love Mal. He loves me. That doesn't go away for louds or mads, alright?"
Mal is... defeated, and probably taking more blame than he should. "Yeah I'm... I'm sorry Lily. And Rory. I... I was shocked and scared and hurt and I took it out on all of you because it was easier to be mad than scared. That is... Wow that is really not good, is it?"
"Well, last time I had a flashback about my mom and Silas, I dissociated so suddenly and intensely that I faceplanted into the floor and broke my nose, and an EMS team had to be called. So, considering that, this time wasn't so bad."
Aurora clears her throat and looks over at Malcom, standing up to full.
"...Would it be helpful for you if I told you about how it happened? About her? About what it was like to carry a baby that would never know it was mine? Because we can do that. Maybe not right now, but we can do that."
"You're still angry?"
"Oh yes."
"But you just-"
"You've got no excuse for being a selfish prick. Malcom... I know you are kind of new at this sort of relationship, so let me level with you. You are going to fuck this up. A lot. I expect I will, too. The only way we survive that? Is if love stays regardless. Okay?"
Phoenix tuns to Lily, who is still int heir arms. "Sounds like what I told Lily back when we started dating... Good times, right babe?"
Lily scoffs in reply. "Ugh. I hated having testosterone and just... not having figured it out yet."
"...I'm still sorry," Mal says sheepishly.
"Yes, I imagine you must be. Now if you'll excuse me? I'm going to go make myself some angry noodles in the kitchen now. And when I'm done? You can ask aaaaall the questions you want. Hell, I'll even tell you more about Harlan and Rebekka if you want. But if I don't eat something? I'm going to start yelling again, and that is bad for everyone."
"Here, I'll make it for—"
"Malcom. Sweetie. The whole point of this is that I need some space without you in it for a while. Okay?"
"...Yeah... Yeah, okay. Y-you promise you're not going to—"
"I promise you I will be here after I eat. Now fuck off. Be somewhere else. 20 minutes, at least. Please."
Mal draws his lips into a thin, embarrassed line and nods, turning and heading for the door to his private room without saying another word.
Phoenix calls back to Mal, in a feeble attempt to help his emotional resolve. "Don't sweat it too much, Mal."
Mal just waves over his shoulder briefly before crossing the threshold and closing the door.
Rory sighs and slumps into the couch next to Lily, wrapping her, and by extension, Phoenix, up in a great big hug.
"I am so sorry that happened, Lily. Are you okay?"
"I'm... yeah. Good support is good support."
"We... Can be pretty loud people sometimes... I'll try not to feed it so hard when you're around, okay?" She pecks Lily on the forehead sweetly and then quickly stands for the kitchen. She wasn't kidding about those noodles.
"That's a beautiful, delicate girl you got there, Phoenix. She taking such good care of you, too?"
“Whenever she can, she does. We can’t see each other all the time, but if I get cozy, romantic dates with a beautiful woman I dearly love at places like the Collection of Wonders? I can’t complain. Besides, you know Lily- she takes good care of me, and everyone else, too. Like…” They pause, and look to Lily. “Babe, maybe it’s time we told her about the stuff going on with Aurora Adair.”
"Well if it's important, you might want to wait until Malcom gets out here. Wouldn't want to be keeping a secret would we?" Frustrated as hell, she fills a pot with water and puts it on the burner, then grabs pepper and onion and an egg from the fridge and starts chopping the veg while another pan receives butter, diced garlic, powdered ginger, chili flakes, and a dash of soy. The veggies are tossed into the pan and stirred with clearly nefarious intent. A dollop of chili oil is dashed on top as the noodle packet gets opened with her teeth and tossed into the water.
Lily turns to Phoenix and grimaces a bit. “I uh… don’t think it’s time.”
----
Soon, the veggies are done and get poured into a plate. The egg cracks into the pan and sizzles to life as it's beaten into a yellowish loaf of protein. Around that time the noodles are ready, and with a pasta fork, Rory scoops them out of the water and into the pan with a little more oil and a little more soy. A splash of water. A flavor packet. Some stirring. In about five minutes she has stirfry noodles and veggies and is eating the ever loving shit out of them. "Sorry for being snarky... It just really bugs me he had to make that moment about him. Especially when I just like, days ago, remembered I even ever gave birth to a whole ass person."
Lily is glad to see Rory calming down. "I don't blame him, but I don't blame you either. there's a lot of emotional baggage... you two will be able to handle it though. One step at a time."
"Yeah, first step, putting these noodles in my noodle hole."
Another forkful disappears into her face as she sits back against the counter and the tension starts to fall off of her shoulders.
"I... I feel so empty. Like a piece of me was torn out. I remember crying for days that I had to leave her. I remember thinking about how Rebekka always held that small secret resentment for her."
"And you're gonna get that piece back, right? It won't feel the same after everything, but it's still gonna be that piece."
"Yeah, well, only if the woman who didn't abandon her after killing her father 5 years ago will allow it. She's only 12. And I'm not willing to uproot her whole life at 12 like mine was..."
"Oh... yeah, that's a lot. Complicated... and.. baggage. Yeah."
Rory sighs and puts down her now empty plate, raising her head."Hey Mal? You okay to come out? If you're mad or hurt and need more time it's okay!"
The door chime rings- it's Shandra and Mags.
Malcom walks out of his room, still looking a bit crestfallen, and comes into the main room just as the other two walk into the door. He stops in his tracks to collect his jaw from the floor and his heart from his throat. "Aaaaah-hah. Hey... How you guys doing?"
Rory does her absolute best to conceal a laugh but doesn't quite manage it. "Pppf... Sorry girls you um... Your timing is hilariously bad."
Mags and Shandra exchange a look, and Mags airs their excuse for their tardiness. "Oh, well... We're late because we got snacks directly form the crop design lab, taquito beans and breaded squashage bites."
"That sounds delicious and it is super not your fault! Come on in!"
Shandra is the next to speak, as Rory shovels herself another forkful."I kinda had Mal in mind when we picked them out."
"Holy shit. Taquito beans? For real?! You just made my night!" Mal crosses to Shandra quickly and wraps her up in a big hug before ushering the pair of them inside. "Are these new? How long have you been working on this?!"
Shandra giggles heartfully at the hug. "Oh, Mags and I are both from the macrotech lab, but the crop design lab's been working on this for several months."
"Heehee! It's like they reached directly into my tiny shriveled Chicano heart and pulled out spicy brown gold!" he says, holding up and turning around one of the beans before popping it into his mouth. "Mmmm... Oh wow, that tastes like real beef. Wow! I am hungry!"
"Well what do you know," Rory says with a smirk, folding her arms. "When was the last time you ate, Mal?"
"Lo siento, Aurora. No puedo te escuchar arriba de estos frijoles. MMM!" Mal takes the beans with him and finds a spot on the couch to get comfy and eat. "By the way... Is it still story time? Or do we have to start over, cuz I am sure I can do it better this time!"
Shandra notes the hunger and how there are quite a few people gathered. "Should we try and get someone to bring more up here?"
Finally, Magnolia has some words to say. “Well, first, I should actually introduce this wonderful lady with me here… This is Shandra Wilson, head of the macrotechnology integration lab. I’m also in that lab- well, I’m the secretary, heh. Shandra is a good friend.”
"Oh, this is Shandra!" Rory says with bright eyes. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you! I remember, Lily wrote about you some time ago. My name is Aurora Bael, and that cabrón with his face in a bag of beans is Malcom Barrett. I... I suppose I'm a security consultant now, and Malcom is taking the lead on our exobiological survey of the greater galaxy. Welcome to our home!"
Shandra smiles at the colorful description of Mal. “Sounds like you two are pretty accustomed to living together already, huh?”
Mal pipes up between mouthfuls. "We've been working together a couple months already. Had some deep space time together. Living out of the same ship? You learn how to get along quick or you drive each other crazy." He stops a moment, looking down at his beans and then back up at Rory. "...Mi'jita, I'm sorry. I should have just listened."
Rory puts a hand on her hip and makes a playfully accusatory face. "You're an asshole sometimes, you know?"
"Yeah... This time anyway."
Rolling her eyes, Rory turns back to the kitchen and starts with the washing up. "Alright, apology accepted. Just... Try to give me some time, okay? I have a lot to unpack in there. You already know more about me than almost anyone. I'm still getting used to this 'openness' thing. I mean, fuck, just wait till I start getting therapy over all the people I killed!"
Mags gets some more words in before dipping some squashage toasters in mustard. "It'd probably be a good idea for you to find a good therapist. Ask me sometime, I have some recommendations."
"Well they'll need a strong stomach, I'll say that..." Her arms propped up on either side of the sink, Rory hangs her head and whimpers out a long sigh. Suddenly she just turns off the water, dries her hands on a towel, and tosses it on the counter.
"I'd say there are a lot of therapists with strong enough stomachs to help you. You just have to find one who's a good fit."
"Alright. Enough. I'm through with the self-pity-party. I wanna hear this business about some other lady with my first name. We can come back to my... My daughter later. She's not going anywhere in a hurry..."
Phoenix doesn't seem in the mood for more emotionally charged stories, prioritizing something else entirely. "Okay, but counterpoint-that-isn't-a-counterpoint: Food."
"Oh, fuck me. You want something to eat? Here, I'll make something. Do you have any requests? Cuz otherwise I'm just going to wing it." Rory turns and throws her fridge wide open, standing back with folded arms and looking through the stocks to see what she has on hand.
Mal, however, seems pretty satisfied with what Mags and Shandra brought. "Rory! Go easy. Just some snacks or something is probably fine!"
Taking Mal's lead, Phoenix pipes up again. "I'll teach you to make Neutron Nachos. You're in CTAC and you like cooking? It's a staple."
Rory nods and starts pulling veggies, tortillas, cheese, and beans out of various cupboards and ice boxes "You all do everything meat free, right?" Gingerly from the back of the drawer, she pulls out several green and red chilies of various types. Then, it's on to the spice rack for the obvious players: garlic, cumin, chili powder, and cilantro.
"Generally, yeah- some people like to import meat.Wait... Do you have honeyspice here yet?"
Rory grins as she starts chopping what veggies she can already tell play a part in the flavor profile. "Well, I got beef in there, it's up to you!" Her knife skills are immaculate and lightning fast. A whole onion is diced down in seconds. "Honey spice... Mal, did you pick some of that up?"
The tomato is next, but she pauses a moment to turn to Phoenix. "Now, those chilies aren't too bad, but if you decide to start cutting them make sure you wash up good before... Fuck, you probably already know." She grins as she starts on the bell pepper. "One of my favorite things to do... Is try and cook a dish... After tasting it on the rare occasions I got to go out. Of course on the carrier, it was rare people appreciated me working the galley. Goddamn philistines if you ask me." One should note that her Federal affectation is all but gone as she cooks.
"So... you're just going to try to cook Neutron Nachos without a recipe?"
Shrugging, she sweeps the peppers into a bowl with the other veggies. "I mean, if you want the spice profile just right, I'll definitely take the advice. Also I may need some notes on the procedure. Getting the stuffing into the nachos is... Honestly a bit baffling. But, darling, by and large, recipes are for cakes and cookies. Once you've got the mother sauces, get a good mental palate for the way flavors play..." Rory spins on her heel and washes the juices off her hands thoroughly before mentally weighing the pros and cons of canned beans. "You can generally cook just about anything..." Glancing up she catches Phoenix's poor bewildered face. And lets out a breath. "Oh God, I'm just steam rolling this whole thing, aren't I? Sorry it's... An old habit. If someone is hungry, I just don't stop moving until they're fed."
"Well, I want to see what you pull off, honestly. But a little hint: the nachos are made around the stuffing.”
Nodding, she steps back and folds her hands in front of her to watch Phoenix demonstrate. "Yes, sorry, go ahead."
“Wait, you don’t mean I get to see you try? You were going to make a whole new breakthrough dish if you didn’t manage actual Neutron Nachos and now you’re just… stepping back?”
"Well I... I don't..." Suddenly she's very demure and embarrassed and it frankly doesn't look like her at all. At least not the one everyone here knows. Her eyes drop and she steps back forward, taking up the utensils again. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to impose. But if you want me to continue I will."
"Well, uhm- first things first. Are you okay?"
"Yes, quite fine." She continues chopping the chili peppers, every bit as fast and technically proficient but... The fire is gone. She looks like she's reduced the whole thing to the mechanics of the act rather than the joy of it. She quickly washes off her hands and grabs a clean pan, heating oil in it while she minces a few cloves of garlic before opening the can of pinto beans.
Phoenix walks over into the kitchen and starts making clamshell corn chips for filling with stuffing and sealing.
Malcom suddenly stops eating and slowly stands up. "Rory?" No response. "Rory." Still nothing. "¡Oiye, Puta! Deseo se hablar Aurora Bael. ¿Donde estan?"
She stops chopping and her head snaps up. "¡¿Como me llamaste?!"
"Whew! There you are! What the hell was that?!"
"Nothing! I'm fine."
And just like that, the fire is back. She looks a bit annoyed but the, smile is creeping back into her lips as she sweats the garlic and the cumin in the oil and starts layering in the onions and chilies
Phoenix puts the clamshells into the oven, and closing the door, they stand back up and look straight at Rory. "Bullshit."
Mal is still worked up. "Fuck! Thank you, Phoenix!"
Phoenix looks at Rory, and they're clearly worried about her.
Lily also picks up on what happened, and so does Mags, and the two of them exchange a glance. Without saying a word, Mags sits next to Lily and holds her hand.
Rory takes a deep breath and braces herself against the countertop. She's not about to let this get loud again. Her voice drops back to natural Imperial again but she's clearly more in herself. "Look I was just a bit embarrassed because Phoenix wanted to show me something and instead I was showing off. No harm done, right?"
Phoenix gestures openly, taking a step toward Rory. "Hey, if anyone was imposing, it was me. You're cooking here, and I tried to be the one in charge or something, and- I'm sorry."
"But you were in charge! And it was my job to ob— whoa..."
The whole room seems to stop in its tracks, and then Mal is the one to break the silence. "...did you just nearly say it was your job to obey them?"
Rory's lips pull tight and she nods. "I didn't even notice..."
Shandra definitely does not take this situation lightly. "Well, thank fuck you caught yourself. You are your own person, you got that Rory?"
Rory is shaking her head in utter disbelief, but notices just in time she still needs to stir the onions. And it's a good thing, too, because it's time to add the tomatoes and beans. "That was a bona fide flashback, and it's just about the first one I actually noticed happening." In spite of herself she can't help but chuckle as she grabs the block of cheddar and starts to grate. "I would be worried but that clearly can't be the first time that's happened."
“Well nobody at CTAC is anyone’s slave or master or any of that grimy shit. You got it?”
Rory starts laughing as she dices the cilantro and throws salt, pepper, and cumin on the filling that's rapidly materializing in the pan. "Lily, Malcom, would you mind giving Shandra my CV for a moment? I'm a bit tied up just now."
Mal delivers on Rory's request. "She uh... She spent five of the last six years rolling around Imperial and Federal space killing slavers and blowing up government buildings. Also a lot of robberies, I guess. I dunno, it sounds more impressive when she says it."
Shandra is adamant that she occupy space in the conversation, but she's not about to be an ass about it. “Wait… she said CV and not dossier, right? Look, I- Some trauma just goes back a couple thousand years, and… you know?”
Taking the clamshells and paste that Phoenix provided, Rory scoops the hot filling into the tortillas and sprinkles in cheese, sealing them each shut in turn, moving like a well oiled machine.
"Well...dossier might not be a bad word, either, but various circumstances have managed to keep me out of the stockade for the most part... In the physical sense, anyway."
Hold Maggie's hand warmly, Lily finally speaks again. “Well, now you have a home. There’s nobody in this room who didn’t immediately pick up on you having a flashback… because we all care about you.”
"Well you're all about to love me even more." With a hint of snark, she tosses several of the tortilla clamshells into the pan of oil, and they roar to life. Tongs in hand she flips them at perfect golden brown, tossing more in as the last are complete. "Alright, everyone... Why don't... You all try my nachos." She grins broadly, pirouetting around with adorable posture as she passes plates to everyone. "Now, I did dash in a little honeyspice on the beans, but mostly I wanted to let those fresh chilies do the talking on this batch. Should be about a 5 to 7 out of ten for heat. If you need them cooler, I have sour cream. Cheese is inside... Enjoy!"
Phoenix is the first to grab one, starting off with a large, enthusiastic bite.
Malcom looks right at his love as he takes his first bite. The look on his face every bit rivals the one following the taquito beans.
"Ai, mami... I don't know why i'm still surprised when you cook. it's not quite the same as Neutron Nachos but it's amazing!"
Lily can't help but agree. "It's not the same, definitely not. It's delicious in its own right."
"Well, I'm so glad you like them!"
Phoenix happily gives Rory a warm, giggly hug, wobbling side to side a little, before taking two more nachos, letting out a little happy squeak- and Rory giggles and hugs them back, following with the wiggles and even playfully hopping up and down with them.
Mags notices Phoenix's little happy dance and turns to Lily. "I can see why you love them so much, hun."
Lily can't take her eyes off Phoenix. "They're the most wonderful person I've ever known, how could I not?"
Shandra is just about the only one actually savoring Rory's cooking. "Damn, these really are good. What do you wanna call em?"
Rory crosses out of the kitchen and just... apropos of nothing, crawls on top of Malcom and straddles his lap, linking her hands behind his neck, before turning quickly to Shandra, a little surprised. "Oh Um... I dunno, I hadn't thought about it. Maybe something like..." She blushes and hides her face in Mal. "Everything I think of is so corny!"
"Pinto Sliders," Malcom says confidently. "They taste like the kind of burgers Abuelita used to make. except with pintos instead of beef. She loved mixing continental and Latin flavors like this."
"Oh come on, my cooking isn't that continental!"
Malcom raises an eyebrow, pulling his head back to get a good look at her. "Are you serious? Your whole life you cooked rich Imperial food, it totally tracks. Even the chilies are a northern or European style, you can tell in that crisp, sweet finish."
Phoenix sees how Rory snuggled up against Mal, and decides to just curl up in Lily's lap, catching Lily a bit off guard.
"Oh- hi there babe!"
"So... You're in love with a crazy person who might have an endless well of secrets and is probably going to have several other lovers while she's with you... But who loves you back dearly and never wants to let go... How's that make you feel?" Rory asks Malcom, playing absently with a lock of his hair.
Shandra feels a bit awkward being the only one not cuddling, but Magnolia looks over at her and then around the room, and leaves Lily with Phoenix, getting up and walking over to Shandra, who is sitting on another couch all by herself.
Shandra doesn't seem to expect this. “Wha- Maggie?”
Mags sits down next to her and looks at her, smiling warmly. “I could tell you felt a bit awkward, and I’ve seen this same look in your eyes so many times in the lab. I’ve waited too long to figure out what that look was about.”
Shandra is visibly flustered, but at the same time, intensely relieved. She scoots over next to Mags and rest her head on Mags’ shoulder, embracing her waist. “Honey, it’s about damn time.”
Mal glances around the room, smiling at what was happening just... Everywhere around him. "Are you kidding? Aurora, look around you. This room is full of a crazy amount of love. How would I not want to be part of that?"
Lily takes the opportunity to be a bit of a nerd. "Love is a generic word, but... I’d say there are two words that really describe this. First, thanks to you, Rory, we have a 'wiikwandiwin.' Ojibwe. A feast, or more specifically, food bringing people together. You and Mal were yelling and arguing and it turns out you both just hadn’t eaten, and now look at you two. The second word for this is ‘hygge,’ a Norwegian word for the coziness, comfort, and contentment of home… and family. And that’s what you have now, Rory. Family.” She runs her fingers through Phoenix’s hair gently and gives them a kiss on the top of their head.
The sentiment is bittersweet, and Rory finds herself just snuggling into Malcom harder, letting him envelop her in his arms and doing her best to focus on the now. Things might get pretty hairy... Soon. She should just have this. Just enjoy this.
"Family..." A small smile spreads across her lips and her eyes close.