Private Log- Sweet Magnolia, Part I
19 Jul 2022Lily Flemmon
Dedicated to my friend Kiki, who's a wonderful human and a wonderful character inspiration for Magnolia Hawthorne.Date: March 9th, 3308. During the first mission of the CTAC Cuisinier.
Location: Guest quarters aboard the TOC Solaris. Mags and I shared a room with separate beds.
Time: Ugh, I don't know, late? It was late. I'd had a long day of getting Deranov acclimated to the bulk of society, and let me tell you, being a diplomat is more exhausting than being a mercenary.
Subject: I just... I wanna write about how things started between me and Magnolia. It means a lot to me and I still can't quite wrap my head around why.
----
Lily enters Magnolia’s room, as she has every night on the Solaris so far.
Magnolia looks up from something she was reading on her comms pad, sitting in her bed. "Hey, hun. Heard you were a diplomat again this evening, how'd it go?"
"Surprisingly well, considering I had a CSF security squad breathing down my neck and this was Deranov’s first contact with the bulk of society." She takes off her hardsuit and pulls a curtain to change into pajamas behind.
"Also, heard you took a peek at the Generation Ship Artemis. Creepy story, huh?"
"Yeah, it was… it hit close to home. I talked to Solix about it, and turns out he’s a damn good listener, and a damn good friend. Funny how a guy who looks so much like I used t-"
"Lily."
"Right, the body I was stuck in for 19 fucking years... Anyway, funny how Solix is so nice."
"Yeah, I'd have to agree, more or less. He's stopped by the Cuisinier a few times. He never seemed particularly kind, but also never seemed unkind at all. He’s just… quiet, but he still talks a normal amount? He’s cute though."
Lily, having changed into pajamas, pulls the curtain back and walks around her bed. "Yeah, he’s aroace though, and you should probably respect that." (OOC note: aroace = aromantic asexual)
"That… makes a lot of sense, actually. I’m still glad to hear he helped you."
"Yeah, he… helped a lot. I figured if I went back to the generation ship and got a closer look, I’d be able to pick out enough differences between what happened there and Dad’s infamous rampage. But... I found Deranov’s ship instead. He waked out before I got a good look, so I followed him, uh, right back to the carrier. I bet you’ve heard the rest."
"Enough bits and pieces. I’m curious though, what was it like when you first saw Deranov face to face?"
Lily sits down on the edge of her bed, facing Mags. "He… he was crying. He’d been alone in space for nearly a week, and had just left his clan permanently… I- I almost started crying for him, you know? But when he stood up, he was still… His hair was… his eyes, his… Maggie, what the hell am I feeling right now?"
"Sounds like you’re pan. Like me. And it sounds like he’s hot."
Lily's eyes widen as she looks directly at her knees. "…holy shit. Ohhhhhh shit, that… that explains… that explains so fucking much."
"Hey, you’ve had a really long day, don’t worry too much about it right now."
"Yeah, I- yeah. I can figure out the details later." She stands up and pulls back her covers, then pauses, looking back at Maggie. "Hey, hun, mind if... we sleep in your bed tonight? I miss that. And Phoenix uh, they actually said I'd get touch starved, and they were very correct, hehhehhh..."
Magnolia smiles gently, puts away her comms pad, and pulls back her covers, sweet as ever. “I’ll make sure you sleep soundly tonight, love.”
----
So that was the first night I fell asleep in Magnolia's arms. A wonderful feeling, really. It felt different than sleeping with Phoenix, which I did about twice a week back home, and before I left for the Solaris, Phoenix gave me permission to, well, in their words...
"Hey, babe, you're leaving without me on this trip, and if you find someone who can love you tenderly, I don't want to hold you back. Because I won't be there to hold you when things get rough for you, and I can tell you're gonna get touch starved after a while. Besides, there are some things that I'm never gonna be up for that you'd probably love."
Phoenix is such a sweetheart, they really are. And so is Mags... although she's more intense than them. I had a feeling it'd go beyond just mildly romantic snuggles... well, after a few nights, it got pretty romantic, but still asexual. Still gentle, not excited. But wonderfully intimate and close.
One thing to note here, uh- Mags isn't as androgynous as Phoenix, but she's not entirely feminine either- her green grass hair is only about half the length of mine, she doesn't like wearing makeup, and she's got that... Just a touch of masculine fire inside her, that little bit of clumsy intensity, and that little bit of disdain for being too feminine. She- they- hell, both sets of pronouns work. She's so wonderful.
And then, when my amnesia about my first trip to Colonia lifted, that night was... More intense from the get-go. And Mags? they kept up with it wonderfully.
----
This section: CW/TW: mention of self harm
Lily walks into the room she and Mags have been sharing for several weeks now, retiring for the night. Mags is reading as usual, since one of the TCON cafeteria chefs has been covering for her in the evenings when the focus in the Cuisinier is more on drinks.
"Maggie, there's... something I have to show you." Lily's voice is hesitant and anxious, and Mags picks up on it instantly, putting down her reading.
"I'm here, hun. Take your time."
Lily walks over to Maggie's bed and sits down on the edge of it, close enough for Maggie to grab her hand. "You know those, like, tough spots on my back that you've felt some nights? The ones that you've massaged a little and it made weird feelings tickle my brain? There's a story behind them, and a lot of things I haven't processed. I- I want to start by showing you want they look like."
Mags puts a gentle hand on Lily's arm. "Go ahead. I'm right here."
"You remember the people I rescued as I was approaching Colonia? There are details that I've left out of logs. First is that the planet surfaces of that binary pair had a high enough gravity that my hardsuit's spinal support system engaged, which involves plates that press against the wearer's spine, and second... I had to get out and activate transponders on the pods so I could pick them up, they'd entered some kind of power save mode because they'd been there so long, and... on the sunny side of that binary pair of planets, it was so hot the planet surface was glowing a dull red in the shadows. Even on the dark side, the ground was still glowing slightly, but my suit could still handle those temperatures, but the hot side... about 300 Kelvin hotter. My suit did what it could, but the spinal support plates still got hot enough to cause third-degree burns." Lily takes off her shirt and tosses it over onto her bed, revealing the black blocky chevron pattern of the scars down her spine. "It was excruciating, but I knew I had to save those people. I subjected myself to that heat three times, I..." Lily stops suddenly, closing her eyes, a tear rolling down her cheek.
Maggie doesn't say anything, she just sets her comms pad on her nightstand and scoots over closer to Lily, and, sitting next to her with her feet down on the floor, she takes Lily's left forearm in her hands gently for a moment.
Lily suddenly feels physical pain in her forearm, seemingly from a memory that was locked away. Burning, searing pain. First in her forearm, then more just below her collarbone. She lets out a quiet scream as her heart starts pounding, and a suppressed memory starts to come back.
Maggie's flower crown blooms into bright white flowers with a bit of black at the centers. She knows what Lily's feeling, because she's felt it before too. Her forearm has healed since then, and so has Lily's, but those horrible memories never completely go away. She acts quickly, pulling Lily toward her and hugging her tightly, hoping that the deep pressure is enough to steady her anxiety. "Lily, love. It's okay. I know it's hard, remembering times when you hurt yourself. Especially when you didn't think it ever happened. But I remember you saying the sixth distress beacon was on the cold side of one of the planets, and you- you wonderful angel, you- rescued everyone who was on the hot side. Whatever you did to your forearm long ago, it's not the same as the burns on your back. You put yourself through that so all those people would live on. The people who wouldn't have been saved by a return mission, because the rescue teams wouldn't have gone out into that heat. I know you, Lily. You would never hurt yourself without a damn good reason. Not anymore. Not for a long time."
Lily's breathing slowly becomes steadier, and the burning pain from the flashback begins to fade. "That's... so that's... why that memory hurts so much. Why my memory of my time in Colonia feels like it's missing pieces. The mattress in the guest room I stayed a night in at Eleanor's workshop, the engineered chiropractic one... that's probably part of why my spine healed so well, and... I remember that now. The plates that were fused to my skin came off that night, and... I just left the plates on the bed, threw the sheets over them. I couldn't even look at them. I need to tell Eleanor, she needs to know..." She reaches for her comms pad, but Maggie stops her.
"Whatever you were about to do can wait til morning. You're worn out, and you have plenty of reason to be. Right now it's time to be good to yourself, okay?"
"...Okay." Maggie was right, Lily was almost exhausted. She could reach out to Eleanor in the morning about what she'd just realized.
----
I... things were going as I might have expected, I was calming down, and... we talked about other things, how the diner was doing, and we exchanged some stories about friends we'd made aboard the Solaris...
Mags did say recently, since the recent psionic weapon attack on the carrier... That the lives we touched that were lost in that attack, had a good last few months, with good friends and good food, because of us.
Anyway, we came to this sort of... pause between stories. The moment was so wonderful, talking about all the friends we'd made, and I just didn't want it to end, but we were both running out of good stories.
And then Magnolia put her hand on the side of my face gently, turning my head to look in her eyes... And I glanced back to my bed, and saw my pajama shirt still lumped up on it, and I think Mags and I realized at the same time that... I'd been topless for the whole conversation, and neither of us had fully noticed. We giggled at each other, and Mags pulled her hand away, and we looked away from each other, over at my bed, and then...
"Hey, Mags?"
"Yeah?"
"Before we left on this trip, Phoenix said something about how they wanted me to find someone who could... spend nights with me in ways they would never be up for."
We looked back at each other, both blushing heavily. Mags was the first to manage to use words. "Is that why you're not... you know... going to grab that and put it back on?" She nodded to the side, over toward my bed.
"I mean, if you want to, we..." The realization hit me that this was happening. Did I trust Magnolia so completely? Did I trust her to know what she's doing in bed, even when I... Hell, I definitely didn't? Did she even know? She needed to know. I needed to tell her. I looked down at my knees, blushing even more, my hands gripping the edge of the bed.
Mags had her chance to earn my trust, and she... She did. "Lily, is this... your first time? I mean, since your procedure? In your actual body? I can't really tell."
"Wait, you can't?"
"No, you act so natural, but at the same time, you seem really nervous."
"I act... Natural? Because this is a night with a whole lot of firsts already."
"Honestly? In some ways you act like you've known you were sapphic for a whole decade."
That one was... Yeah, that was a realization. That on some level, deep down, a small part of me knew. And that my preferences in the bedroom hadn't fundamentally changed since I first felt them. "Well... that's... Enough soul-searching for a night."
"More than enough, probably."
"Do you want me? Because yeah, I want you tonight."
And once again, I felt Magnolia's hand gently cradle the side of my face and turn my head toward her.
Big thanks to Radiumio for providing the setting of the Solaris, and Solix414 for being everyone's favorite chook.