Hey, logbook. I'm back. [TW: implied SA]
22 Jan 2024Lily Flemmon
Hey. It's been a while. Haven't sat in a cockpit for almost a year, and here I am, sitting in this chair again. It feels strange, like the last time I was here, I was a different person. Hearing the ship systems idling quietly, smelling the cockpit air, it’s all… not exactly unfamiliar, but even though it’s the same, there’s something new about it. Maybe some small thing changed and I just haven’t noticed it yet. After all, it's been a year, plus a few weeks, since...Since he happened.
I was taking a couple weeks away from CTAC to study in person over at NLAU, the university where I’d been studying mostly remotely for a couple years. It’s on the terraformed planet in Meliae, built into a habitable mountain peak, above the hot, wet jungle that covers most of the planet. Flying in can be a challenge sometimes with the planet’s denser atmosphere and winds at that altitude, but that just makes it more interesting for me.
With the war starting, I’d decided it was time to reassess my goals as a scholar and what field I wanted to be in, since xenosociology was getting a little... well, I wanted to be able to study and share findings without receiving threats from bootlickers, yeah? And it's not like the war was avoidable at that point. I talked to a few of my professors and advisors, and ultimately decided that as a Commander, a traditional degree would add little in terms of credentials, because people seldom want a summary of a Commander's work in a resume. The merit of a Commander comes from their license, and what people really look for in a Commander are values, morals, views, ethics, or in a lot of cases, lack thereof. So, since my studies as a Commander should show my values and who I am as a person, pursuing a degree would look good for the title, but that’s about it. Besides, most Commanders could falsify an entire academic record if they wanted to, so people will take the time to look at my work rather than try to verify my record.
Of course, I still had my fun around campus while I was there. I took the time to be a college student, go on nights out- almost every night actually. I met a pilot who was taking a break from a corporate flying job to get a degree - about to graduate, too. He seemed nice, funny, he was attractive, and he was about a full head taller than me. Good fashion sense, too, and even a bit of a risk-taker, but not on the same scale as I was back then. We went out for drinks, and I got carried away, like, really carried away, and then he took me back to his place, and... I wish the memory ended there. I wish I'd completely blacked out. I wish I didn’t remember what he did and how terrified I was. I've had my whole ordeal with amnesia and pain and... I wish this were like that. I don't know. Maybe I don’t, it’s just… I can’t change the past. I can’t change how much it hurt.
Physically, I’ve been through much worse, but mentally? Knowing, in that drunken, dazed state, that I was in danger, and for the first time in years, I was powerless against it, that I was completely and utterly vulnerable? That's why it was so terrifying. Years of being a Commander, two semesters of gender studies, a career doing diplomacy and social outreach, a whole upbringing's worth of military experience, and none of it really could prepare me for this. Nothing can really prepare you for being a woman, I knew that. But that fact never hit me harder than it did when I woke up the next day, and...
I'm not ready to go into any detail about that.
I reached out to Phoenix, but they were asleep. I thought about waking them with an emergency call, but... I had made some friends at the campus. I couldn't bring myself to move once I got home and hit the couch... screaming... I don't want to go into much detail for now, but I'll share the words of a friend that stuck in my head- the ones that have been stuck in my head for the past year, for this entire time that I've avoided even leaving Chilton Terminal.
"Welcome to being a woman."
She was right. It's not like I wasn't a woman before, but if there ever was a missing piece, that was it. I hate it- I absolutely loathe it, but it's the truth.
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Author's note:
Hey, yeah, I'm back to this. Sort of. It definitely feels different than the writing I did before. If you're reading this and you're new to my writing and Lily's story, the first 5 logbooks are a good starting point for the story as a whole and I recommend at least perusing them for background about who Lily is, but this entry will also act as a starting point. I don't plan on assuming my readers have read anything before this.
I hope, in the future, to edit and rework my prior entries to be more well-written, to appeal to readers not so familiar with Elite lore or even gameplay, and to feel like there's more going on than Lily understands at the time, in worldbuilding, social, and cultural aspects.