Doing the right thing, 4 : Stray thoughts
04 Feb 2022Alysianne
It’s a small miracle, you know. That I’m still alive. Not just this thing, no, I’ve been through much worse. Easily, what, like… Oh, a half-dozen times or so. Or more ? Stars, it’s easy to lose track.
But yeah, it’s, uh… hard to comprehend sometimes. Insane, more like. Really. How close to the edge you’ve been, how many times you could’ve just… Faded to black. There and then. And yet, here you are, you know ?
…
Probably not, must feel like listening to a madman’s ramblings, hah.
You know… I’ve almost gotten used to the near-death experiences over time. The crucial word here being “almost” - no one can really ever get used to it, can they. If you do… it’s at that point you really gotta start worrying. But yeah.
It’s… indescribable, really. Shock, pain, everything happening too fast, everything turning to black, and then… Nothing, no, nothing at all. No thought, no feeling, no consciousness... It’s like a hole, like the time until you woke up never existed, like it’s been ripped from your life, quite literally. One moment everything is chaos and the next thing you know it’s one week later and you’re in a hospital bed and you feel numb.
…
It’s at that point, when you wake up and start thinking again… That’s when you really start to be scared. The first times were terrifying for me. You can’t stop overthinking about just how easily you could’ve not woken up, how easily everything, everything around you would have continued to exist and happen but you wouldn’t be there to know it, see ? Almost like the world would’ve just ceased to exist, ‘cause of course from your perspective it’s not you that vanishes, it’s everything else, and then soon enough you don’t even have thoughts to think about what “vanish” means anymore and then that’s it. The end, power off, alt+F4. Void.
And those thoughts run loops in your head, all the time. Everything feels surreal, disconnected…
It takes a bit to get back into the rhythm of life. You have to, don’t you. And eventually the whole thing does start to fade away into nothing more than a bad memory. And nightmares, that too. Quite a few nightmares. I mean, there was the FLC psychiatrist and she helped a bunch, so it wasn’t like I was alone with my traumatic experience, but still. Takes a while for you to process these kinds of things.
You really start to appreciate the value of your time in this world at that point. First time it happened to me, two years ago or something… Went to see my parents after that. It was long overdue, I hadn’t returned to Aura since, uhf… years… and I didn’t want to lose this world without, well… Seeing them again.
Took me a bit to get used to the high gravity again, hah, spending years in low-grav at Bennett and then flying around in spaceships had made my legs soft. I had aching muscles for days when I came back.
But pretty soon… I flew off again. Had to, really. I couldn’t sleep at night, and then I’d go outside and lie in the grass and look at the stars until the sun reddened the sky. And then I’d fall asleep during the day because of how bloody tired I was, hah.
I didn’t quite realize it then, but now I do. My life’s in the stars now. In the cockpit of my ship, jumping from system to system, living in starports and treading the ground of a new planet every other day. The life of a CMDR, am I right.
No use running from it: when it hooks you, it doesn’t let go. It calls to you. You look up at the stars and they look back and they call you back up, away from that small rock you’re trying to hide on and back into the Black. Where you know you belong.
You look up at the stars and you recognize a couple from their position in the sky… And then you remember seeing them up close. Warm Sol, gargantuan Betelgeuse, golden Shin Dezh, daunting Jackson’s Lighthouse, quiet Evelyn’s Light… You were right there. And at that point your body may be lying down on the ground below but your mind is far away, lightyears away, flying with the stars across the Black.
And you just can’t stay put at that point, can you.
…
It’s hard to think it’s been only two years… Stars across, it feels like a lifetime
….
Bah, I’m rambling again.
I pick up the dataslate I let slip from my hand onto the bed I’m sat on, trying to concentrate on the screen. Right, I was catching up on what happened during my absence. Turns out Gold Universal didn’t last much longer, unfortunately. And several more factions we’ve been supporting have suffered a wave of Imperial assaults on our positions. Doubtless Duval’s doing, she’s always loved picking at us. Outside of that… a few major wins, a couple setbacks, business as usual.
I stretch out for a long while. Alright… got to get myself together a bit, then head towards the hangar bays to Kingfisher. I’ll probably be needed soon.
My InSight watch bleeps. Aha, speak of the devil...
Turns out the Admiral’s assigned me… A system called Votama. Small place, close to Athena, we’d like to gain a stronger foothold. Seems within my ropes.
I put the dataslate down, and get to my feet, enjoying the familiar feeling of weight that pushes down on my legs. After all, I was born in a place like this, and I can’t help but be reminded of life before I moved out whenever I visit high-grav worlds. Past times, simpler times.
A small pang of nostalgia hits me, and I look out the open window. Ah… The sky is perfect tonight. Not a cloud to be seen, and a breathtaking Milky Way soars over the treetops like a gigantic shower of stars spattered against the night. I smile.
That’s where my home is, now.