I'm Fine
26 Jun 2017Kyndi the Badass Space Chick
“I swear, Kyndi Jane- you’re as good a hacker as your mother!”I look up, smiling at my accomplishment and words of encouragement from my father. Rough stubble feels like sandpaper as he kisses my cheek and lifts me up for a hug. At seven years old, I’m still young enough for him to do that, though it’s mildly annoying that he does. I’m not a baby, after all.
And to prove it, I’ve just completed my first ever bypass. It was a simple thing, really. All we’d needed was access to the cargo bay. We’re preparing to dock soon, and every once in awhile the ship likes to play a game before it lets us do certain things. That’s what Mother and Father say, anyway. I’m just happy that I’m finally old enough to play, and they seem to be happy, too.
The ship plays its games with endless lines of symbols my parents call “code”. I used to think that it was boring, but now that I’ve won, I want to play more. Mother says that every machine everywhere plays games in code, and that all of them can be beaten if I learn to play well enough. But for now, the only practice I’ll get is the ship.
I jerk awake, heart pounding and my body covered in sweat. It’s dark, and I don’t recall where I am. None of that is unusual, and I’m not worried so much as irritated that I didn’t sleep a whole cycle.
No engine thrum. Grav. So you’re either docked or surface side.
I feel around me. I’m on a mattress. Alone. And still in a tank top and thong.
So you didn’t get any dick, either. Damn.
In the darkness, I sit up and take a deep breath.
Still dizzy. Still seeing colors even though it’s pitch black. So what were you doing?
At my side is a syringe. It’s light, and after tapping it with my fingernail sounds hollow.
Then only the gods know what it was laced with. Damn locals. Do I have to deliver the good shit myself?
And what the hell was up with that memory? I hadn’t thought of my first hack job since-
I close my eyes. No. Just let it go. It’s in the past.
Another deep breath doesn’t help. The image of my father’s smiling face is still burned into my vision. I can almost feel his stubbly lips against my cheek again.
No more liquid o-head. That one felt like it was laced with Flashback. Or pilfered cryo drugs. Or something.
My ship. I’m on my ship. I can see the familiar control panel by my cabin door. What was I-
Oh, right. I delivered that AI Relic to some collector. Snuck it past station security, too. Got the bonus and everything.
So that’s it. I’m safe. I’m in my ship. I’ve a little while on my dock rent. And I’ve got credits for gas and grub before I leave, plus a little extra in case the Cool Under Pressure decides to hit me with any maintenance surprises.
So why the early wakeup? What the fuck, brain?
He’s still there. My father. My mother. The ship that was our home. I try to focus on breathing, just inhaling and exhaling, but-
They loved you so much.
My mouth tightens, and I try to think of something else. Anything. My ship. My financial problems. My next score. Dick. Black or purple leather pants for my next shopping splurge.
They loved you, and now they’re gone. And you didn’t get to say goodbye. It was all so fast.
I roll over and open the storage next to my bed. Several empty vials fall out, and I grope in the darkness for a full one. Have I gone through most of the tranqs already? There must be some mistake.
The prick in my arm only hurts a little. The drug hits my system, making my head dizzy and my breathing shallow.
Careful, Kyndi Jane.
Pulling the needle from my arm, I toss it aside and collapse backwards, the darkness spinning. I need sleep. Sleep, or at least not being awake for a while. And with no dreams.
“But I don’t like the ship rations! They’re gross. Why can’t we just have real food?”
My parents look at each other. We’ve had this discussion before. They’ve explained it to me, and I know by heart what the reasons are. Low and no grav is bad for people. I need the ship rations to keep me strong for planetside landings. Some explorers get careless on long voyages and can never walk again. But it's stupid. It's all stupid. I feel fine everywhere I go.
It isn’t even really about the food, though a diet of ship rations get old. I just feel alive when we’re landed. New things to see and do, and so many people! Mom and Dad never let me go away on my own, even though I know I would be fine. I’m twelve, after all. I’ve overridden the ship’s entry bypass plenty of times, and don’t even need them to come and go.
“When are we setting down again? I really want to start wearing something other than a stupid flightsuit. Besides, this one is getting too small.”
Again, my parents share a look. This time, my complaint isn’t mere childish whining. It’s true- I’m growing rapidly, and in ways that are new to all of us. I need a bra now- I don’t change in front of my father anymore, and keep to myself more than I used to. But what do they know? I just want to eat real food and walk some place where I don’t need magnets to keep my feet planted.
“Next port, Kyndi,” my mother says. “We’ll take you shopping. I promise. If we can.”
I purse my lips. Credits go to the ship first and us second. It isn’t my parents being mean, but adhering to simple necessity. Still- I just want to have a single day without them. Them and their lessons. Flying, coding, how to make the ship run cooler, which men and women are undercover Authority, blah, blah, blah.
There’s got to be more to life than this. There’s got to be.
Again. Again with waking up for no good reason.
It’s getting worse. Time was, I could go to bed with good o-head or good dick and sleep a whole cycle no problem. Yeah, I need a little extra help from time to time, but-
But this isn’t normal. There’s something going on in that head of yours, Kyndi Jane. Something that won’t rest.
I consider injecting another tranq, but decide against it. One is enough. Two is dangerous. So- what, then? If I tried to fly I’d be good for a few hours but then be dead tired.
Then it’s time for brute force.
The flash of the lighter briefly illuminates my cabin. It’s not much- dull grey walls and chipped paint. But I’ve never had much. I’ve lived in a ship…
I close my eyes, letting the Panem leaf carry me away. This is it. This is the one that’ll let me rest. I can feel it.
… my whole life. I’ve lived in a ship my whole life.
I’m a smuggler. It’s what I do. I didn’t know that that was how I’d end up, but maybe I should have. After all, my first smuggle was well before my first ship…
Father is angry. Mother, too.
They’ve returned from the commodities market sooner than I’d expected. How was I supposed to know? Without a thought they opened the door to my quarters to tell me that they were back. Mother almost screamed. Not that I blame her.
It’s not every day you catch your daughter in such a situation, shirt lifted up and pants unbuttoned, with a sixteen-year-old boy doing his best to coax the rest of her fourteen-year-old self into view. Yeah, he’d been a bad kisser- but a good break from the usual routine. Another hour and who knows what would have happened? Father ran him off and I sat alone on my bunk expecting the worst.
Strangely, the idea of me coupling with a stranger wasn’t what had my parents the most upset. The subsequent sitdown was less about strange boys partially undressing me and more about the ship being left open and unsecured. I was puzzled- I’d mentally prepared a long, defiant speech about almost being a woman and such, but hadn’t expected the focus of their anger to be about ship security. In fact, they weren’t even really angry. More like worried.
Stupid, I thought. I’m fine, the ship is fine, and there’s no reason to worry. Another hour or two would have been amazing. I’m not a kid any more. I can handle myself.
And what could they do? There wasn’t much from which I could be grounded, and I was a crew member as much as their child. I knew how to run every system on the ship, and Father even let me pilot from time to time- in deep space, around simple obstacles like lone asteroids and such.
But this was new to them. What were they expecting? I wasn’t going to remain a kid forever. Everything changes. Ultimately they sent me to bed and lifted off without me being punished. The only thing that they told me was something that they’d said a thousand times before- but in a peculiar, cautionary tone:
“It’s a big universe, Kyndi- anything can happen.”
It’s time to leave. But I haven’t. I’m not even out of bed.
Instead, I’m sniffing. My eyes are puffy and my pillow is wet. It didn’t work. The tranqs, the o-head- nothing. I don’t have any Purity on-hand, or else I’d have probably tried that, too- and maybe been found dead by station Authority three days later when I’ve still not responded to station comms and they force their way in.
They loved you so much...
I haven’t been this bad, since-
Since when? Since you started living the life?
Yeah. Maybe. I’ve been in my own ship since I was nineteen. Won it from some old pervert in a game of cards and never looked back. Spent a year with my mentor pretending that I knew less than I did just so that I didn’t feel alone, but-
But she saw through your ruse and cut you loose. And that’s when it all began. That’s when you started on the life. No one there to help you. No one to make it all better. Just you, the verse, and whatever job you had lined up. The very life that you’d been raised to lead.
I should be strong. I should be proud of myself. But I’m not. I’ve never been. Not since-
They loved you so much…
