Elixnie's Log | Can't Sleep - May 31 3307
31 May 2021Elixnie Alysyn
Can't sleep.Decided to write one of these again. Woke up early today at Copernicus and had to head back to Robigo for a business matter with one of my engineers. Apparently she found a way to squeeze alittle more range out of my FSD. So I thought why not, right? I was invited to the comms panel for the Black Order and got a call for help. Apparently a newer member of the organization was coming back from a Guardian site, and got lost in the ocean of Brown Dwarves to the left of the bubble, if you're looking towards the galactic center. She was lucky I was in my rescue vessel, even luckier I had limpets on me. So I set out and went to get her. After I refueled her, I shadowed her and made sure she got to where she was going. In the end she did - so - some more karma for me.
I had a dream last night that I can't stop thinking about. I was in a nebula I can't remember the name of, and... Marq was there. We spent most of the time in bed together, talking and giggling to ourselves and - It was the best dream I've ever had.
It's been 478 days since we broke up. And 477 days since he died. Things were downhill - if you want to call it that - for awhile. The writing was on the wall. We were together for almost 4 years, I was happy. Over the past year I've started to realize how much he manipulated me. I didn't want to admit it before, I always blamed myself. But... I'm over it now. Or - so I thought. Last night was the best dream I've ever had, because It was simple. Nothing crazy or whimsical, just simple. I've been non stop thinking about it and, I think I just miss being held by someone. And my brain decided to fill the gap with him. I miss having someone to love, and to then have someone love me. This past year I've been focusing on me. improving myself as a person and improving my character. But retiring to an empty bed every night is lonely, shocker I know. This morning I woke up at half past 6 and just laid in bed, crying for what seemed like an eternity. Sometimes I really fucking hate my brain.
Those few days were a rollercoaster of emotions that I still to this day don't entirely know how to understand. I know It's been for ever - a life time ago! But... My fragile heart is having trouble healing.
Maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe I'll sleep with a woman this time. That'll be fun. Jesus listen to me. I really do need time off. I need to take a week or month or - fucking decade to just relax. I've been working non stop basically since everything happened. Had to keep myself... my mind focused on something. A Distraction.
Anyway... I don't know why I just spent the better part of an hour typing bullshit on my terminal. To vent I guess. Maybe I'll adopt a dog. Name him Lewis, my furry First Mate!
End log
