Log Entry #4.
05 Jun 2021Amy "Silent" Silva
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Personal Log #4
CMDR Amy "Silent" Silva
Date: 6/5/3307
Location: Ay Indi, Farkas Dock
Transcript:
They say experiences force a person to evolve mentally, morally, and physically. I'm not naive, I know this to be true. But the extent of which baffles me. I've come to realize myself changing. I'm not sure if it's for the worst or the better. That only time will tell. I'd say I have a well-aligned moral compass. I dislike killing, the thought of violence does not sit well with me. But something has changed. I discovered something about myself today. A thought that crossed my mind that scares me deeply. I fear the pressure of this void is changing me into something I used to despise.
I was performing surface scans on a planet in the Ay Indi system. A planet so creatively named Ay Indi 1 A. My scanner picked up a frequency that I've not come across before. Then again, I've not done many scans. For all I know, this type of signal may be commonplace for most who survey planets. It was flashed upon my scanner as an irregular marker. Driven by curiosity, I entered the planet's orbit and set a course to investigate the site. Upon approach, I noticed that it was a structure made of a few cargo crates with some sort of autonomous drone that had crashed. From the distance I was currently at, I could not see if there was anyone present on site. I had to get on foot and go up close to further investigate.
I landed my ship and departed the exit ramp, making my way towards the structure. As I got closer. I could see a few people walking around. Not knowing if said people were friendly, I took the cautious approach and kept a safe distance. Crouching low to avoid detection. I got close enough to run security scans on the individuals, there were four in total patrolling the perimeter of the cargo crates. They were flagged with bounties and were identified in the database as known pirates. This is where my morality came into question. "Should I incapacitate them and claim their bounties? They were pirates and would most likely try to terminate me on site, after all." I thought at the time.
Now, reflecting upon the situation, I face a moral dilemma. The person I knew myself to be would never have thought that. The person I knew I was would have left them alone. I'd have told myself that bloodshed is not in my repertoire. It scares me that the thought even crossed my mind, what's worse is when the thought did occur, it did not feel the slightest bit out of place. I guess I could have forgiven myself if I just left it at that. But no, what happened next makes me sick to my stomach. I am disgusted with myself. No amount of showers could cleanse me of this metaphorical muck I feel coating my form.
I snuck into the perimeter of the site. Successfully avoiding being detected. I managed to get close to one of the cargo containers and used my cutting tool to break-in. I noticed there was quite an inventory of illegal goods. Everything from illegal drugs to electrical components. "I could make a profit off this if I sold it to the right people." I thought to myself. "Stealing from pirates was alright because they probably stole the goods anyway. I'm just pulling a Robbin Hood." I further reinforced my previous thought. Thus, with childish justification and driven by greed. I snagged up what I could carry. I then made my way towards my ship.
I wish it would have just ended with that. I was caught. I was not paying attention and one of the pirates spotted me. They opened fire upon me, Even going so far as to lob grenades towards me. I did what I had to do at the time to survive. I activated my shield, pulled out my rifle, and defended myself. One by one I gunned them down. I watched them slowly fall in the low gravity environment. When the gunfire stopped and there were no more bodies to drop. I ran back to my ship and stored the goods.
I strapped myself into my cockpit seat, turned on the thrusters, and lifted off. I escaped the orbital vector and made my way to a nearby anarchy system where the goods were considered legal. After some searching upon my star map, I found an outpost that has little to no security. I plotted a course towards it and made my way over. After landing. I walked around the outpost for a while. Enquiring with the locals if they knew someone who was in the market for the goods I had obtained. Most of the occupants at the outpost were a little more than shady, to put it lightly. They pointed me towards the local bartender. She paid me quite a handsome price for the goods. There, the goods were gone. Out of sight out of mind, right?
I sit here now in my cockpit as I am writing this log. Reflecting upon my actions today. The questions running through my mind repeatedly. "Who am I? Why did I do it? Was it necessary?". I struggle to find the answer to the first question. The answer to the second is hard to swallow but true nonetheless. It was because of greed, and as for the last question, no, it was not at all necessary. They would still be alive. They may have family that loves and cherishes them. I took that away from them. Sure, they were pirates. Sure, they may have killed me. Though, I can't help but think about if they chose that profession because it was all they knew, if they were forced into it, or if they had to do it to feed hungry mouths.
I feel the blood on my hands. What have I become? I am engulfed by conflicting thoughts and perspectives. Everything that I have done today goes against all the values my parents thought me to hold dear. I am no longer the person I was when I first ventured beyond the confines of home. I don't know who I am anymore and it frightens me.
End of Log.